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I’m freakin’ Superman in my spare time….

July 2, 2013 - Author: Ordinary Girl

I absolutely love being a stay at home mom and my husband works very hard to make that happen. It was a decision we made together. It ended up working out too while I was so sick. We don’t have a whole lot of extras but we have a pretty decent life. I’ve had much less for the vast majority of my life and so I count the blessings rather than complain about what isn’t perfect here. I have been seeing a new specialist that has made the most progress with my diagnosis and my medications. I have been 5 months without an episode. However my husband and I were talking about it the other night and we also believe that it had something to do with the amount of stress and anxiety that his boys had put us through. The timing just kind of works out that way and so it makes us wonder. The last time I went this long it was when I went to KS and we were separated and it was 4 months.

Since stress is the major activator of my issue it makes sense. Now they are all gone and not helping or even speaking to us. OrdinaryDad, the kids and I have all been pulling double time to keep up with everything. Funny thing is, even though it is stressful, it is getting done and better than when they were around and the extra stress is not causing me any issues. If anything I am working harder and healthier than I have been able to in a long time.

It’s OrdinaryDad who is suffering more than I and I think that is because all my energy is channeled into helping support him and making sure he is okay. Doesn’t matter what they say or do towards me, I haven’t cared what others have thought for a very long time. I’ve dealt with crazy family and drama my whole life and nothing they have done, could do or think of doing would knock me down because I HAVE survived the worst of the worst. It has made me strong and it has made me a fighter. And when I am in fight mode, I don’t have time to worry about my hurt little feelings or even if I do have any. Which is why I’m titled a bitch.Strong women who speak their mind and stand their ground loudly aren’t really appreciate around here. Especially in the South. They are more into the subtle Southern F-you. The one where they tell you to go to hell and you look forward to the trip before figuring out you have been insulted – and usually not till much later.

So between juggling the house and all the things that go with that, the kids and dinner and all the animals etc I am also holding together the strong person who usually helps hold me. Revamping plans for the family business, taking up the slack, stepping up and running some of the other things going on that we keep private from my blog, running this blog and my fan page, which thanks to all you wonderful people is starting to take off. I am also working on a short piece as well as perhaps a book, with the encouragement of a fellow author, blogger and friend.

Yes I have my moments of frustration, upset or resentment but in the end I love my life and chose it for a reason and I will be dammed if anything is going to take that away or otherwise mess with it.

They read this blog avidly. They can’t help themselves. They look for any little crack, any little detail they could possibly use. They blow things out of proportion or flat out lie (yes we have had to defend ourselves in court from the neighbors more than once) and so instead of taking a defensive position we are all offense baby. Starting to take care of our lives as if these people no longer exist. There was a hollow look in his eyes when he told me that his boys no longer existed to him, they have crossed the line and done too much; there is no going back now. And despite all the hurt they caused me it distressed me to hear that. I know all you parents out there are all like “No matter what my kid ever did to me I would never stop loving them or disown them” – well guess what. I was in your shoes too. Still kind of feel that way about it because I trust my kids won’t repeat this disaster. But I do know the possibility exists. And I totally understand why he feels that way. Until you have had your own flesh and blood betray you, lie about you, use you, manipulate you, try to destroy your marriage and then say “you made your bed I hope you die in it” (yes that is a direct quote from Mr. BBP to his dad via text last night) ~ then please don’t come in here throwing darts because he said that.

He means it now and I stand by him, but if he changed his mind in the future because they grew up or realized the truth I would still support his reconnecting with them. But he feels they burned a bridge and it is done at the moment. Do you blame him? His son also flung this blog in his face saying “You still haven’t read her blog and you take her side against us”. Let me speak very slowly and clearly for you ASSHOLEdon't be an asshole.

1) THIS BLOG HANGS OFF YOUR FATHER’S PERSONALLY OWNED WEBSITE – SO WHAT MAKES YOU THINK HE DOESN’T HAVE OPEN ACCESS TO IT.

2) QUITE OFTEN I READ HIM PASSAGES FOR HIS APPROVAL. YES I HAVE CHANGED THINGS AT HIS REQUEST.

3) I HAVE WRITTEN MOST ALL OF WHAT IS HERE WITH HIS PERMISSION AND ENCOURAGEMENT.

4) EVERYTHING HERE IS THE TRUTH AND YOU JUST DON’T LIKE IT BEING OUT THERE FOR GOD AND EVERYONE TO SEE YOUR BULLSHIT

5) I AM ASHAMED OF NOTHING IN THIS BLOG AND YOU CAN SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT.

6) TEST ME – PLEASE TEST ME……

Listen closely.

I.perfect I dont' care
don’t.
give.
a.
flying.
fuck.
what.
you.
think.
of.
me.

You are so wrong here it isn’t even funny. Your dad is wondering if you have lost your ever loving mind. You not only threatened his client relationship and challenged they would pick you over him, saying he couldn’t do a damn thing about it (as if he was even going to or is even like that dummy) but on top of that, you wished him to die. A direct threat against him. I wouldn’t push your luck any further. Karma is a bitch and I promise if you follow the neighbors path and papaw’s path – it won’t play out like you think it will.entitlement

And just an FYI – YOU are the only one who flunked out of school Mr. BBP. I was nearly killed in an auto accident my first round and my second round I chose raising my kid over finishing school at that time. I’ve never flunked out like you did. And in a matter of a year or so, I can have my masters degree – you don’t have shit. Have a nice life.

Keep reading me, keep hating me ~ it affects my life not at all. We will press on, be successful, shake the dust of all this bullshit off our shoes and raise our family together. You chose not to be a part of that. YOU chose to write yourself out of your father’s story. And YOU chose the enemy over him not the other way around. My friends and fans stand by me and so does OrdinaryDad as well as my kids both adopted and blood. So keep it up, nothing you do matter to us. I have my happiness and place to be at home, you threw yours away.

   pocket full of fucks

See my friends, I try to speak about other topics and they just refuse to give me breathing space. Thanks for being there for the journey both good and bad. Until we meet again, stay safe and be blessed.

 

Comments are closed - Categories: Love is a Battlefield, My Step Nightmare, Parenting stories - Trench Warfare, Play the Hand

A Million Reasons Why

May 30, 2013 - Author: Ordinary Girl

the way ppl treat youRelationships are hard. Any sort of relationship really, though I admit blood ties complicate things and add a level of guilt that might not otherwise exist. There are a thousand reasons why you might disapprove of or disagree with someone but maybe we are missing the million reasons why we do want them in our lives, all the reasons why we are thankful they ARE in our lives or that give us reason to fight to keep them there, complications and all.

a million reasons

Marriage isn’t easy, life isn’t easy, parenting isn’t easy; whoever started the myth or hope that they were, needs to be read the riot act for sure! Love has been spun into this intoxicating fairytale and gives us such an unrealistic viewpoint and often unreachable goal to shoot for. It paints a picture that just doesn’t figure in the hardships of life and the foibles of us all. So instead of working with what we have we keep aching for this ideal. How damaging is that folks? Just take a look around and you can see the signs. Broken homes, broken hearts and broken lives. Sure we know there is new growth poking up, we know the phoenix will ever rise, but oh the damage, oh the pain that could be spared.

If someone has something bad to say about you, its probably because they don’t have anything good to say about themselves. If we all tried to give others reasons to feel good about themselves, there would be a lot more reasons to smile and visions of peace far brighter than the darkness of insults.

We even sometimes get careless with the hearts in our care, not because we are trying to hurt someone, but maybe because we weren’t paying attention. Careless words sometimes cut the deepest and once said they can only be forgiven, not forgotten. How many scars will we lay upon the souls of others before we learn to weigh our words more carefully? The things we leave unspoken can hurt too. Those secrets we hide that eat us from inside, those fears that we never pull into the light and so they remain scary shadows in the dark recesses of our hearts. They speak a lie to us that destroys the truth in our lives.

It’s all about your focus. Where you place your heart and passion is where your life will follow. Beware that you do not let the negative lead. It isn’t only others I am talking about, we can find a thousand faults inside ourselves or look for the million amazing things. Your inner dialogue is more powerful than you realize, the secrets that your heart whispers can steer you places you never dreamed or leave you stranded in your worst nightmare. Love has a lot to do with choosing to feel that way about someone. There will come some point in time where the shiny fades from the relationship and the person’s cracks and flaws will have you doubting. It is in that moments that you have the choice to continue loving them through the bullshit or bail.

some people

Then there are moments when something has become so unhealthy that it drains the very life from you. A relationship so toxic and unbalance that you ache every time you have to interact. Their behavior never changes, their apologies ring false and their words are hollow. Then and there, blood or not, you have to decide whether or not to prune that from your sphere. Knowing the truth is that everyone at some point in time will disappoint you or let you down, it is the nature of the beast. I don’t say that to discourage you, but instead to point out that perhaps they are not out to hurt you, perhaps their behavior is a reflection of their own inner struggles and pain. Still at some point you have to cease letting them continue to drag you down when the stress and drama become more than the positive.

I know these things because I have had to make the tough choice to cut ties with family and have been judged for it without my side being heard. I have always been the black sheep. I always fought the bonds, the strict control; I’ve always been the seeker of truth behind the beliefs. I asked the questions that made people squirm and have been told to continue blindly believing and following.I wanted to understand. I wanted to light that fire of conviction in my heart and live it.

There came a point in my life when I could no longer do that where I was so I stepped off the path and have forged my way ever since. I am the friend who will tell you how it is to your face, for I cannot stand people who talk behind my back. Please feel free to tell me to my face you hate my guts or think I am a bitch and I will most likely shrug and walk away. But the backstabbing, two-faced BS really makes me hot. I will move heaven and earth to bring the fight to your door if it goes on in secret behind my back. I cannot tolerate a lie. I’ve lived lies too often in the past, I know it is easy to lie to yourself and I don’t want lies and half-truths to become my reality. You perpetuate a cycle in your life when you do that. Sometimes we have to throw off the millstones that others have become in order to truly set ourselves free. It doesn’t mean it won’t hurt, it doesn’t mean you won’t think of them or miss them; it simply means that you love you enough to stop the abuse.

 

your side

Look for the million reasons why inside yourself. Seek them in your truth, seek them in your path and most of all, seek them in others. When we focus on the positive we will find ourselves surprised to see that our attitudes follow. And if life cannot knock that hope out of you, then you have already won my friends.

In closing I just wanted to leave this:

To my friends, my fans & my family (blood & chosen)

To my friends, my fans & my family (blood & chosen)

Until next we meet, stay safe and be blessed.

 

Comments are closed - Categories: Love is a Battlefield, Play the Hand

Heartache To Heartache We Stand

May 20, 2013 - Author: Ordinary Girl

Today I have been mulling over the topic of love and friendship. I figured I might as well type out my thoughts on the subject here to share with you my friends.

~Maybe we are entertaining angels unaware

~Maybe we are entertaining angels unaware

Even ordinary people in our lives can be the messenger we have been waiting for….sometimes something as small as a word or smile from another can change the course of our day. Humans are born craving intimacy. Babies who are born too early thrive when they are touched. We need daily interactions, and if those interactions become too negative then we will slowly start to shrivel up like a plant too long without water. And so we go about our lives, from infancy on, creating and seeking those connections. Somewhere along the way we learn there is a certain element of decision to our love. We choose to love. Yup, you can say you cannot help it all you want but when you are on the downside of that slope and times are tough, you will understand that often we have to choose to keep dealing with the imperfectly perfect person we chose. Whether that is a significant other or a friend.

chance choice

When you do find someone who loves all of you, even the messy bits, then it makes all the struggle worthwhile, hold tight to them and appreciate them. That spark in our soul when we have found a kindred spirit is one of the greatest moments we can experience. The feeling that we are not alone in this giant world and we have formed a connection with another that fuses our journeys together, whether for a while or forever.

he found her beautiful

The messy bits are the hardest. The moments when another person’s (or your own) faults are so glaringly obvious that you could not miss the red flags, trumpets and fireworks. I’ve been guilty more than once of judging another harshly without finding out the whole story just based on my previous hurt emotions. Tender places tend to make us lash out.

I really need it

Cherish every moment that you have together, for our journey may come to an abrupt end or branch and we will have missed such a beautiful memories. I may not have shared your past ones, but we will build new ones and laugh about the old. We will relive them together on the nights around a fire relaxing.

knowing you

For even though time and distance separate us, even though we don’t know each others names or faces, somehow we are still part of each others journeys. And that is cool.

looking for you

 My best advice to you I guess, would be this: 

love the fool

A final word of caution though my friends. There are many who would rob you of your joy, who would drag you down in the dirt with them. They will use your heart and emotions against you. Time and time again you will hold a hand out to them and they will abuse it. It is okay to let them go. It is okay to walk away. You only make room for wonderful things when you cut out the poison. Don’t lose yourself in giving to others. Love you. Be you. Because you is beautiful in all its messy glory.

losing ourselves

Until we meet again, stay safe and be blessed.

 

 

Comments are closed - Categories: Blog Hop, Love is a Battlefield

It’s Been Awhile…

January 18, 2013 - Author: Ordinary Girl

Well my friends, it certainly has been quite some time since I have spoken with you. I couldn’t begin to catch you up with all that has happened since my last post in 2011 – suffice to say I am an almost completely different person. Yes, I still struggle with some of the same things and have added new and subtracted old but there have been some fundamental changes in the process. Honestly I thought long and hard about whether this would ever be a safe haven again and decided that I didn’t care. Those who want to seek me out will, even if I were to try to stay under the radar. I will not run, I will not be pushed any further. I will seek peace in the place I am in. So there :p

In a nutshell life has changed dramatically. My hubby no longer speaks with two of his boys – much to our dismay. His oldest who is 21 and one of the twins (the youngest). The youngest I had such huge problems out of admitted finally that he was working to break our marriage up on purpose. Of course we didn’t find that out until my husband and I separated last year. Yes for four months I lived nearly 1,000 miles away. I caught grief leaving and I caught grief going back to work out my marriage. I’m not really sorry for any of it. It was hard to go through, but I really like some of the things that have come from the struggle. I know I appreciate things a lot more.

My kids miss their Kansas family, but they are also glad to be back and looking forward to good things, both here and visiting back there as well.

I have been really ill as well. I see a specialist February 6th and am hoping for answers. My last stint in the ER led to me being admitted to the ICU unit. The average female body holds 6-8 pints of blood – I needed two. Before I barely knew what was happening they had set me up for a blood transfusion because not only were my blood levels low, my labs came back nonexistent. No potassium, iron, calcium or lipids etc. So first they had to run straight potassium into my veins – which hurt like the dickens and once I was able to finish that off they went to work. No one knows where it went, how it happened that I was so anemic or how my health has spiraled so quickly to this dangerous place. What I do know my friends is what I haven’t said flat out till now. If I don’t get some help I will die. I am only 34 and intend to live forever so……pray for me 🙂

There will be more later, but for now I simply wanted to touch base, say hello and reclaim my space. Until we meet again, stay safe and be blessed.

Comments are closed - Categories: Life is Good, Love is a Battlefield