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I’m freakin’ Superman in my spare time….

July 2, 2013 - Author: Ordinary Girl

I absolutely love being a stay at home mom and my husband works very hard to make that happen. It was a decision we made together. It ended up working out too while I was so sick. We don’t have a whole lot of extras but we have a pretty decent life. I’ve had much less for the vast majority of my life and so I count the blessings rather than complain about what isn’t perfect here. I have been seeing a new specialist that has made the most progress with my diagnosis and my medications. I have been 5 months without an episode. However my husband and I were talking about it the other night and we also believe that it had something to do with the amount of stress and anxiety that his boys had put us through. The timing just kind of works out that way and so it makes us wonder. The last time I went this long it was when I went to KS and we were separated and it was 4 months.

Since stress is the major activator of my issue it makes sense. Now they are all gone and not helping or even speaking to us. OrdinaryDad, the kids and I have all been pulling double time to keep up with everything. Funny thing is, even though it is stressful, it is getting done and better than when they were around and the extra stress is not causing me any issues. If anything I am working harder and healthier than I have been able to in a long time.

It’s OrdinaryDad who is suffering more than I and I think that is because all my energy is channeled into helping support him and making sure he is okay. Doesn’t matter what they say or do towards me, I haven’t cared what others have thought for a very long time. I’ve dealt with crazy family and drama my whole life and nothing they have done, could do or think of doing would knock me down because I HAVE survived the worst of the worst. It has made me strong and it has made me a fighter. And when I am in fight mode, I don’t have time to worry about my hurt little feelings or even if I do have any. Which is why I’m titled a bitch.Strong women who speak their mind and stand their ground loudly aren’t really appreciate around here. Especially in the South. They are more into the subtle Southern F-you. The one where they tell you to go to hell and you look forward to the trip before figuring out you have been insulted – and usually not till much later.

So between juggling the house and all the things that go with that, the kids and dinner and all the animals etc I am also holding together the strong person who usually helps hold me. Revamping plans for the family business, taking up the slack, stepping up and running some of the other things going on that we keep private from my blog, running this blog and my fan page, which thanks to all you wonderful people is starting to take off. I am also working on a short piece as well as perhaps a book, with the encouragement of a fellow author, blogger and friend.

Yes I have my moments of frustration, upset or resentment but in the end I love my life and chose it for a reason and I will be dammed if anything is going to take that away or otherwise mess with it.

They read this blog avidly. They can’t help themselves. They look for any little crack, any little detail they could possibly use. They blow things out of proportion or flat out lie (yes we have had to defend ourselves in court from the neighbors more than once) and so instead of taking a defensive position we are all offense baby. Starting to take care of our lives as if these people no longer exist. There was a hollow look in his eyes when he told me that his boys no longer existed to him, they have crossed the line and done too much; there is no going back now. And despite all the hurt they caused me it distressed me to hear that. I know all you parents out there are all like “No matter what my kid ever did to me I would never stop loving them or disown them” – well guess what. I was in your shoes too. Still kind of feel that way about it because I trust my kids won’t repeat this disaster. But I do know the possibility exists. And I totally understand why he feels that way. Until you have had your own flesh and blood betray you, lie about you, use you, manipulate you, try to destroy your marriage and then say “you made your bed I hope you die in it” (yes that is a direct quote from Mr. BBP to his dad via text last night) ~ then please don’t come in here throwing darts because he said that.

He means it now and I stand by him, but if he changed his mind in the future because they grew up or realized the truth I would still support his reconnecting with them. But he feels they burned a bridge and it is done at the moment. Do you blame him? His son also flung this blog in his face saying “You still haven’t read her blog and you take her side against us”. Let me speak very slowly and clearly for you ASSHOLEdon't be an asshole.







Listen closely.

I.perfect I dont' care

You are so wrong here it isn’t even funny. Your dad is wondering if you have lost your ever loving mind. You not only threatened his client relationship and challenged they would pick you over him, saying he couldn’t do a damn thing about it (as if he was even going to or is even like that dummy) but on top of that, you wished him to die. A direct threat against him. I wouldn’t push your luck any further. Karma is a bitch and I promise if you follow the neighbors path and papaw’s path – it won’t play out like you think it will.entitlement

And just an FYI – YOU are the only one who flunked out of school Mr. BBP. I was nearly killed in an auto accident my first round and my second round I chose raising my kid over finishing school at that time. I’ve never flunked out like you did. And in a matter of a year or so, I can have my masters degree – you don’t have shit. Have a nice life.

Keep reading me, keep hating me ~ it affects my life not at all. We will press on, be successful, shake the dust of all this bullshit off our shoes and raise our family together. You chose not to be a part of that. YOU chose to write yourself out of your father’s story. And YOU chose the enemy over him not the other way around. My friends and fans stand by me and so does OrdinaryDad as well as my kids both adopted and blood. So keep it up, nothing you do matter to us. I have my happiness and place to be at home, you threw yours away.

   pocket full of fucks

See my friends, I try to speak about other topics and they just refuse to give me breathing space. Thanks for being there for the journey both good and bad. Until we meet again, stay safe and be blessed.


Comments are closed - Categories: Love is a Battlefield, My Step Nightmare, Parenting stories - Trench Warfare, Play the Hand

A Million Reasons Why

May 30, 2013 - Author: Ordinary Girl

the way ppl treat youRelationships are hard. Any sort of relationship really, though I admit blood ties complicate things and add a level of guilt that might not otherwise exist. There are a thousand reasons why you might disapprove of or disagree with someone but maybe we are missing the million reasons why we do want them in our lives, all the reasons why we are thankful they ARE in our lives or that give us reason to fight to keep them there, complications and all.

a million reasons

Marriage isn’t easy, life isn’t easy, parenting isn’t easy; whoever started the myth or hope that they were, needs to be read the riot act for sure! Love has been spun into this intoxicating fairytale and gives us such an unrealistic viewpoint and often unreachable goal to shoot for. It paints a picture that just doesn’t figure in the hardships of life and the foibles of us all. So instead of working with what we have we keep aching for this ideal. How damaging is that folks? Just take a look around and you can see the signs. Broken homes, broken hearts and broken lives. Sure we know there is new growth poking up, we know the phoenix will ever rise, but oh the damage, oh the pain that could be spared.

If someone has something bad to say about you, its probably because they don’t have anything good to say about themselves. If we all tried to give others reasons to feel good about themselves, there would be a lot more reasons to smile and visions of peace far brighter than the darkness of insults.

We even sometimes get careless with the hearts in our care, not because we are trying to hurt someone, but maybe because we weren’t paying attention. Careless words sometimes cut the deepest and once said they can only be forgiven, not forgotten. How many scars will we lay upon the souls of others before we learn to weigh our words more carefully? The things we leave unspoken can hurt too. Those secrets we hide that eat us from inside, those fears that we never pull into the light and so they remain scary shadows in the dark recesses of our hearts. They speak a lie to us that destroys the truth in our lives.

It’s all about your focus. Where you place your heart and passion is where your life will follow. Beware that you do not let the negative lead. It isn’t only others I am talking about, we can find a thousand faults inside ourselves or look for the million amazing things. Your inner dialogue is more powerful than you realize, the secrets that your heart whispers can steer you places you never dreamed or leave you stranded in your worst nightmare. Love has a lot to do with choosing to feel that way about someone. There will come some point in time where the shiny fades from the relationship and the person’s cracks and flaws will have you doubting. It is in that moments that you have the choice to continue loving them through the bullshit or bail.

some people

Then there are moments when something has become so unhealthy that it drains the very life from you. A relationship so toxic and unbalance that you ache every time you have to interact. Their behavior never changes, their apologies ring false and their words are hollow. Then and there, blood or not, you have to decide whether or not to prune that from your sphere. Knowing the truth is that everyone at some point in time will disappoint you or let you down, it is the nature of the beast. I don’t say that to discourage you, but instead to point out that perhaps they are not out to hurt you, perhaps their behavior is a reflection of their own inner struggles and pain. Still at some point you have to cease letting them continue to drag you down when the stress and drama become more than the positive.

I know these things because I have had to make the tough choice to cut ties with family and have been judged for it without my side being heard. I have always been the black sheep. I always fought the bonds, the strict control; I’ve always been the seeker of truth behind the beliefs. I asked the questions that made people squirm and have been told to continue blindly believing and following.I wanted to understand. I wanted to light that fire of conviction in my heart and live it.

There came a point in my life when I could no longer do that where I was so I stepped off the path and have forged my way ever since. I am the friend who will tell you how it is to your face, for I cannot stand people who talk behind my back. Please feel free to tell me to my face you hate my guts or think I am a bitch and I will most likely shrug and walk away. But the backstabbing, two-faced BS really makes me hot. I will move heaven and earth to bring the fight to your door if it goes on in secret behind my back. I cannot tolerate a lie. I’ve lived lies too often in the past, I know it is easy to lie to yourself and I don’t want lies and half-truths to become my reality. You perpetuate a cycle in your life when you do that. Sometimes we have to throw off the millstones that others have become in order to truly set ourselves free. It doesn’t mean it won’t hurt, it doesn’t mean you won’t think of them or miss them; it simply means that you love you enough to stop the abuse.


your side

Look for the million reasons why inside yourself. Seek them in your truth, seek them in your path and most of all, seek them in others. When we focus on the positive we will find ourselves surprised to see that our attitudes follow. And if life cannot knock that hope out of you, then you have already won my friends.

In closing I just wanted to leave this:

To my friends, my fans & my family (blood & chosen)

To my friends, my fans & my family (blood & chosen)

Until next we meet, stay safe and be blessed.


Comments are closed - Categories: Love is a Battlefield, Play the Hand

Past, Present & Future

May 10, 2013 - Author: Ordinary Girl

past n future

The above quote centers me and give me hope. We feel sometimes that our circumstances define us, that they are nearly if not totally insurmountable. Even the skeleton keys are significant, a symbol that we have the power within us to “unlock” the solution if we try. Every saint has fallen and scuffed their knees, every sinner has had their moments of selflessness. Just because yesterday held something doesn’t mean tomorrow can’t be different. There will be moments when we lose hope. For me, when that happens, I reach out to my support base; to my fans and friends that make themselves a part of my story. Family for me has never been defined by bloodlines, it has always and will always be made up of those who choose to be there no matter what the outlook. It is so easy to walk the road in the sunshine with someone, and most people tend to go ‘running’ at the first thunderclap. Family are those that dance in the rain with you, who pull your weary ass out of the mud if you fall down. Those that fight the fight with you and know that you will be at their side as well when all hell breaks loose.

It occurs to me that sometimes even when we are convinced that we are not staring at the closed door, but searching diligently for the open window, we fail to see the forest for the trees. My heart longs for family connection and seeing the support I’ve received from different direction (some friends, some family, some of YOU reading this now) I have come to the all but obvious conclusion that instead of mourning something “lost” I should have looked around and realized that the desire of my heart has been more than abundantly provided.

I am glad you are all here and thank you from the depths of my heart. You matter so much to a face that has never seen yours. I will not let my past define me, but it has shaped me. I will not always stand firm, but I will always get up when I fall. I may not always be strong, but I will have you when I am not. I may not always be happy, but I will always seek joy. There may be darkness, but the sun always rises.




Until next we meet, stay safe and be blessed my friends.


Comments are closed - Categories: Fight or Flight, Play the Hand

The truth has always been there, waiting…

October 5, 2011 - Author: Ordinary Girl

Joker's wild

Strange how when you come to the place you feel as though you could not be lower, you realize that is what it takes to clear your eyes and let you understand something deeper; if you let it. It is that silent sudden moment where things seem to shift and you are looking at it from a completely different perspective. Last night’s run in with my ‘step-dad’ (long story) made me think. I felt cast adrift because a lot of people who I depended on when I was young and as I grew, had in some way let me down or disappointed me in some profound way. A memory of a moments when my innocence fled and I learned things far too old for such a young girl. I raised myself ~ listening closely to the truth in my heart and in my faith (as I grew to understand it, and as it evolved over time). I learned to be a fighter, because that is what it took to take the hits. The story has been edited with what I’ve learned from the situation with her (my mom)  ex-husband. *shrug* Every experience, I’ve found can always teach you something. It is the card you are dealt and you are in control of how it is played. I’ve made my fair share of mistakes and misjudgements.

I’ve lost several people who were very close and dear to me. Some were important foundation stones in my life and some I’m afraid to admit are only fully realized and appreciated now that death has parted us. I can be incredibly insecure – yes the brash mouthy chic has a weakness. I’m terrified secretly that no one likes me because of all the rejection I have dealt with in my life. Betrayal and lies teach you not to fully trust anyone but yourself and even then you can let yourself down. I’ve hurt others by withholding certain parts of myself (not of malice but of ingrained reflexive habit). It is way too vulnerable a place to let anyone have those things. Yeah you risk getting really hurt but do you cheat yourself by doing so? Will I look back at places in my life and think if only I hadn’t been so damn stubborn. I refused to admit or see certain things about how I really feel/think about something and it directed my behavior in ways I am not proud of. Can’t change the past but am I brave enough to change the future?

There are several people who I have always felt a connection to, but was too insecure to pursue a closer friendship with, that have stepped up and profoundly changed my life. My sister Shawnee has been the yin to my yang, my calming influence, the one to keep me grounded; and yes she hates to admit – the peacekeeper. We were and remain as close as twins even if we don’t talk as much as we like. And as much as it pains both of us to raise our kids apart from one another. My cousins and I share something special that has kept the childhood memories we share and as adults, allowed us to slip comfortably into that same connection and build from it seamlessly. We also are united in grief from the loss of the gentle woman who taught us all that very lesson. I don’t know how but I am thankful for the why. I prayed for the support and acceptance without saying a word and it came when I needed it the most. I’ve missed badly the friendships I’ve left behind and been unable to remain a physical part of. I feel cheated of my ‘roots’. But I am blessed with a plethora of people who honestly care and show it. Had I not experienced the loss could I fully appreciate what I do have? Because I feel a great joy in that realization right now, even though life still pretty much sucks. And somehow life feels a little less heavy.

Perspective is a powerful thing. A tiny rudder steers the mighty ship – and so it is with how we approach a situation. It can suck but you can still power through if you set your mind to it. Cuz, let’s be honest, how far has bitching ever gotten anyone? Time to buckle down and figure it out. This is my life, this is my choice – I can choose to bitch and moan or I can choose to live it fully. Which will you choose?

Joker's wild

Until we meet again, stay safe and be blessed my friends.


Comments are closed - Categories: Play the Hand