Menu

Find that elusive post….

Looking Back

Grab your Fan Badge

Just An Ordinary Girl
Hell on Wheels @ OrdinaryGirl
<div align="center"><a href="http://pricesec.com/ordinarygirl" title="Hell on Wheels @ OrdinaryGirl"><img src="http://pricesec.com/ordinarygirl/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/Hell-on-Wheels-copy.jpg" alt="Hell on Wheels @ OrdinaryGirl" style="border:none;" /></a></div>
Walking My Talk @ JAOG
<div align="center"><a href="http://pricesec.com/ordinarygirl" title="Walking My Talk @ JAOG"><img src="http://pricesec.com/ordinarygirl/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/walking-my-talk-at-JAOG-badge.jpg" alt="Walking My Talk @ JAOG" style="border:none;" /></a></div>

Google Connections

My not-so-ordinary Posse

The Seaman Mom

mondaymingle

Craft DIY Ideas

fw

The Bipolar Diva

Evil Joy Speaks

The Farm Girl Recipes

Craft DIY Ideas

Scary Mommy

© 2012 Firstyme - All rights reserved.

Firstyme WordPress Theme.
Designed by Charlie Asemota.

I’m freakin’ Superman in my spare time….

I absolutely love being a stay at home mom and my husband works very hard to make that happen. It was a decision we made together. It ended up working out too while I was so sick. We don’t have a whole lot of extras but we have a pretty decent life. I’ve had much less for the vast majority of my life and so I count the blessings rather than complain about what isn’t perfect here. I have been seeing a new specialist that has made the most progress with my diagnosis and my medications. I have been 5 months without an episode. However my husband and I were talking about it the other night and we also believe that it had something to do with the amount of stress and anxiety that his boys had put us through. The timing just kind of works out that way and so it makes us wonder. The last time I went this long it was when I went to KS and we were separated and it was 4 months.

Since stress is the major activator of my issue it makes sense. Now they are all gone and not helping or even speaking to us. OrdinaryDad, the kids and I have all been pulling double time to keep up with everything. Funny thing is, even though it is stressful, it is getting done and better than when they were around and the extra stress is not causing me any issues. If anything I am working harder and healthier than I have been able to in a long time.

It’s OrdinaryDad who is suffering more than I and I think that is because all my energy is channeled into helping support him and making sure he is okay. Doesn’t matter what they say or do towards me, I haven’t cared what others have thought for a very long time. I’ve dealt with crazy family and drama my whole life and nothing they have done, could do or think of doing would knock me down because I HAVE survived the worst of the worst. It has made me strong and it has made me a fighter. And when I am in fight mode, I don’t have time to worry about my hurt little feelings or even if I do have any. Which is why I’m titled a bitch.Strong women who speak their mind and stand their ground loudly aren’t really appreciate around here. Especially in the South. They are more into the subtle Southern F-you. The one where they tell you to go to hell and you look forward to the trip before figuring out you have been insulted – and usually not till much later.

So between juggling the house and all the things that go with that, the kids and dinner and all the animals etc I am also holding together the strong person who usually helps hold me. Revamping plans for the family business, taking up the slack, stepping up and running some of the other things going on that we keep private from my blog, running this blog and my fan page, which thanks to all you wonderful people is starting to take off. I am also working on a short piece as well as perhaps a book, with the encouragement of a fellow author, blogger and friend.

Yes I have my moments of frustration, upset or resentment but in the end I love my life and chose it for a reason and I will be dammed if anything is going to take that away or otherwise mess with it.

They read this blog avidly. They can’t help themselves. They look for any little crack, any little detail they could possibly use. They blow things out of proportion or flat out lie (yes we have had to defend ourselves in court from the neighbors more than once) and so instead of taking a defensive position we are all offense baby. Starting to take care of our lives as if these people no longer exist. There was a hollow look in his eyes when he told me that his boys no longer existed to him, they have crossed the line and done too much; there is no going back now. And despite all the hurt they caused me it distressed me to hear that. I know all you parents out there are all like “No matter what my kid ever did to me I would never stop loving them or disown them” – well guess what. I was in your shoes too. Still kind of feel that way about it because I trust my kids won’t repeat this disaster. But I do know the possibility exists. And I totally understand why he feels that way. Until you have had your own flesh and blood betray you, lie about you, use you, manipulate you, try to destroy your marriage and then say “you made your bed I hope you die in it” (yes that is a direct quote from Mr. BBP to his dad via text last night) ~ then please don’t come in here throwing darts because he said that.

He means it now and I stand by him, but if he changed his mind in the future because they grew up or realized the truth I would still support his reconnecting with them. But he feels they burned a bridge and it is done at the moment. Do you blame him? His son also flung this blog in his face saying “You still haven’t read her blog and you take her side against us”. Let me speak very slowly and clearly for you ASSHOLEdon't be an asshole.

1) THIS BLOG HANGS OFF YOUR FATHER’S PERSONALLY OWNED WEBSITE – SO WHAT MAKES YOU THINK HE DOESN’T HAVE OPEN ACCESS TO IT.

2) QUITE OFTEN I READ HIM PASSAGES FOR HIS APPROVAL. YES I HAVE CHANGED THINGS AT HIS REQUEST.

3) I HAVE WRITTEN MOST ALL OF WHAT IS HERE WITH HIS PERMISSION AND ENCOURAGEMENT.

4) EVERYTHING HERE IS THE TRUTH AND YOU JUST DON’T LIKE IT BEING OUT THERE FOR GOD AND EVERYONE TO SEE YOUR BULLSHIT

5) I AM ASHAMED OF NOTHING IN THIS BLOG AND YOU CAN SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT.

6) TEST ME – PLEASE TEST ME……

Listen closely.

I.perfect I dont' care
don’t.
give.
a.
flying.
fuck.
what.
you.
think.
of.
me.

You are so wrong here it isn’t even funny. Your dad is wondering if you have lost your ever loving mind. You not only threatened his client relationship and challenged they would pick you over him, saying he couldn’t do a damn thing about it (as if he was even going to or is even like that dummy) but on top of that, you wished him to die. A direct threat against him. I wouldn’t push your luck any further. Karma is a bitch and I promise if you follow the neighbors path and papaw’s path – it won’t play out like you think it will.entitlement

And just an FYI – YOU are the only one who flunked out of school Mr. BBP. I was nearly killed in an auto accident my first round and my second round I chose raising my kid over finishing school at that time. I’ve never flunked out like you did. And in a matter of a year or so, I can have my masters degree – you don’t have shit. Have a nice life.

Keep reading me, keep hating me ~ it affects my life not at all. We will press on, be successful, shake the dust of all this bullshit off our shoes and raise our family together. You chose not to be a part of that. YOU chose to write yourself out of your father’s story. And YOU chose the enemy over him not the other way around. My friends and fans stand by me and so does OrdinaryDad as well as my kids both adopted and blood. So keep it up, nothing you do matter to us. I have my happiness and place to be at home, you threw yours away.

   pocket full of fucks

See my friends, I try to speak about other topics and they just refuse to give me breathing space. Thanks for being there for the journey both good and bad. Until we meet again, stay safe and be blessed.

 

Sending Heaven A Message ~ Too Much Sadness Today

Today is Father’s Day and for some of us, it is a hard day. We don’t have fathers who are with us, for whatever that reason may be. My father has passed and I have friends and family who will have a hard time today as well because they are missing their fathers too.

dear father

…..however mine is colored with regret for not ever having a real father in my life. I’m sure some of you can share that feeling as well.

I started the weird tradition in my family (when I became a single parent myself and understood all that my mother had to deal with) of calling her and wishing her a Happy Father’s Day. By then I knew what it took to be both parents to my two children. I have a son and a daughter so I see the need from both sides for a father in a child’s life.

I figured if she did the job of both, shouldn’t she get the credit too? When my sisters wound up in the same boat, they, as well as any of my single parent friends also get my calls/text/wishes on those holidays.And yes, I do wish my single father’s a Happy Mother’s Day as well. I simply admire anyone who takes a stacked deck and actually parents with it.

 

I try to focus on this day on the fact that I have a wonderful man in my children’s lives and that they won’t miss out on having someone in their lives like I did. But on this day they also hurt because they remember their dad isn’t here. My son because he remembers, my daughter because she can’t.

My husband went to town yesterday to run errands for guy stuff like Tractor Supply for dog food and parts for our John Deere Mower you know, guys junk. And my son went along for the ride. I’ll tell ya, he came back feeling 10ft tall because he got to go. My husband is no slouch when it comes to parenting. When he married his ex she had two kids, then they had three and when we got married I had two. So in all, he has been through 7 kids. I think he may have picked up a tip or two.

He has been there for everything over the last 7 years. He was there when my daughter got potty trained, when my son rode his first two-wheeled bike and then my daughter as well. He has been there through all the bad stuff too, like the day we almost lost two of our kids to a wicked car accident or the day we had to tell mine their daddy was gone. He was there, being a rock, a great man, a great father, a best friend. He will be there for their future things like graduation, getting married, having children; and I think that I couldn’t have asked for a better person in their lives. eternal calling

Today my heart breaks for OrdinaryDad. He is feeling it especially hard after Mr. BBP paid him and unpleasant visit. The little shitbird came up, dropped off the money for this phone – two days late ($60/mo), took the rest of his stuff, lipped off to his dad, accused him of kicking him out (still not admitting to the failing college and taking off and lying), tried to take his dog down to the neighbor’s house (and accused me of potentially doing something to her), lipped off some more, said he didn’t care about lying and using our client to do so, fucker actually shrugged. Funny thing is that he and I barely fought compared to his twin and when his twin left he bailed on HIS dog too and Chaos is thriving. Hell Sable sleeps with US now at night. She hasn’t really acted as bad as we thought she might.

On his way out the door I said “Nice Father’s Day, asshole”.  and he turned around and told me to go fuck myself which it totally fine, I laughed in his face. Then he proceeded to lip off some more to his dad on the front porch while OD had to make sure he didn’t steal Sable. Keeps saying it doesn’t matter, that he “can’t afford school” even though he is/was getting way more money this coming semester than he had first round. There is something seriously wrong with that boy. He has finally snapped like we worried he would, and it is just as ugly as we thought. He didn’t even try to come up here nice, he hit the door with a bad attitude. He was looking for a fight.

OD had to tell him he wasn’t taking the dog anywhere until he could prove he had a place to live with him and her. Claims he is finding something in town that will allow a pet….really? Umm I have looked for places to live many, many times in my life and good luck finding something. You really have no clue. And if you do, the deposit is a nice chunk of change.

My husband’s heart leapt in his chest when Mr. BBP sent the Happy Father’s Day text and asked if he could come up. He was so excited to hear from and get to see one of his boys today and now he is broken hearted again and I am angry on his behalf. But he will sit there bleeding from his wounds, drop by drop and just keep taking the slashes. He doesn’t stand up for himself let alone lash out and I’m curious if I will feel the same way if my kids act like jerks when they get older. Because I say right now I don’t care who you are, you are expected to treat me with the same respect I give you, and for that matter, if you push too hard, expect me to push back period.

This sucks so hard because I can’t help him other than be there to hold him together when he falls apart and yes he cries, I can only imagine how it hurts him to see what all the scars they carried have done to them and their choices. It hurts to watch a son have it all and let it go and to not even have the courtesy of giving his dad an explanation to understand it all. It hurts him to watch them live a lie and believe that lie and use that lie as a weapon against him. But he loves them enough to take it, he loves them enough to leave the door open, he loves them enough to love them even when they throw it in his face and I can’t help but admire him for it.

This is an exceptional man, and I am honored to share his life. Please send your thoughts and prayers to him. I’ll stand strong while he can’t because he never fails to stand strong for his family.

Appreciate what you have my friends. Please tell your loved ones how you feel and don’t let petty things stand in the way. Some day you might look back and it will be too late.

Until next time my friends, stay safe and be blessed.

to have a child

A Million Reasons Why

the way ppl treat youRelationships are hard. Any sort of relationship really, though I admit blood ties complicate things and add a level of guilt that might not otherwise exist. There are a thousand reasons why you might disapprove of or disagree with someone but maybe we are missing the million reasons why we do want them in our lives, all the reasons why we are thankful they ARE in our lives or that give us reason to fight to keep them there, complications and all.

a million reasons

Marriage isn’t easy, life isn’t easy, parenting isn’t easy; whoever started the myth or hope that they were, needs to be read the riot act for sure! Love has been spun into this intoxicating fairytale and gives us such an unrealistic viewpoint and often unreachable goal to shoot for. It paints a picture that just doesn’t figure in the hardships of life and the foibles of us all. So instead of working with what we have we keep aching for this ideal. How damaging is that folks? Just take a look around and you can see the signs. Broken homes, broken hearts and broken lives. Sure we know there is new growth poking up, we know the phoenix will ever rise, but oh the damage, oh the pain that could be spared.

If someone has something bad to say about you, its probably because they don’t have anything good to say about themselves. If we all tried to give others reasons to feel good about themselves, there would be a lot more reasons to smile and visions of peace far brighter than the darkness of insults.

We even sometimes get careless with the hearts in our care, not because we are trying to hurt someone, but maybe because we weren’t paying attention. Careless words sometimes cut the deepest and once said they can only be forgiven, not forgotten. How many scars will we lay upon the souls of others before we learn to weigh our words more carefully? The things we leave unspoken can hurt too. Those secrets we hide that eat us from inside, those fears that we never pull into the light and so they remain scary shadows in the dark recesses of our hearts. They speak a lie to us that destroys the truth in our lives.

It’s all about your focus. Where you place your heart and passion is where your life will follow. Beware that you do not let the negative lead. It isn’t only others I am talking about, we can find a thousand faults inside ourselves or look for the million amazing things. Your inner dialogue is more powerful than you realize, the secrets that your heart whispers can steer you places you never dreamed or leave you stranded in your worst nightmare. Love has a lot to do with choosing to feel that way about someone. There will come some point in time where the shiny fades from the relationship and the person’s cracks and flaws will have you doubting. It is in that moments that you have the choice to continue loving them through the bullshit or bail.

some people

Then there are moments when something has become so unhealthy that it drains the very life from you. A relationship so toxic and unbalance that you ache every time you have to interact. Their behavior never changes, their apologies ring false and their words are hollow. Then and there, blood or not, you have to decide whether or not to prune that from your sphere. Knowing the truth is that everyone at some point in time will disappoint you or let you down, it is the nature of the beast. I don’t say that to discourage you, but instead to point out that perhaps they are not out to hurt you, perhaps their behavior is a reflection of their own inner struggles and pain. Still at some point you have to cease letting them continue to drag you down when the stress and drama become more than the positive.

I know these things because I have had to make the tough choice to cut ties with family and have been judged for it without my side being heard. I have always been the black sheep. I always fought the bonds, the strict control; I’ve always been the seeker of truth behind the beliefs. I asked the questions that made people squirm and have been told to continue blindly believing and following.I wanted to understand. I wanted to light that fire of conviction in my heart and live it.

There came a point in my life when I could no longer do that where I was so I stepped off the path and have forged my way ever since. I am the friend who will tell you how it is to your face, for I cannot stand people who talk behind my back. Please feel free to tell me to my face you hate my guts or think I am a bitch and I will most likely shrug and walk away. But the backstabbing, two-faced BS really makes me hot. I will move heaven and earth to bring the fight to your door if it goes on in secret behind my back. I cannot tolerate a lie. I’ve lived lies too often in the past, I know it is easy to lie to yourself and I don’t want lies and half-truths to become my reality. You perpetuate a cycle in your life when you do that. Sometimes we have to throw off the millstones that others have become in order to truly set ourselves free. It doesn’t mean it won’t hurt, it doesn’t mean you won’t think of them or miss them; it simply means that you love you enough to stop the abuse.

 

your side

Look for the million reasons why inside yourself. Seek them in your truth, seek them in your path and most of all, seek them in others. When we focus on the positive we will find ourselves surprised to see that our attitudes follow. And if life cannot knock that hope out of you, then you have already won my friends.

In closing I just wanted to leave this:

To my friends, my fans & my family (blood & chosen)

To my friends, my fans & my family (blood & chosen)

Until next we meet, stay safe and be blessed.

 

Heartache To Heartache We Stand

Today I have been mulling over the topic of love and friendship. I figured I might as well type out my thoughts on the subject here to share with you my friends.

~Maybe we are entertaining angels unaware

~Maybe we are entertaining angels unaware

Even ordinary people in our lives can be the messenger we have been waiting for….sometimes something as small as a word or smile from another can change the course of our day. Humans are born craving intimacy. Babies who are born too early thrive when they are touched. We need daily interactions, and if those interactions become too negative then we will slowly start to shrivel up like a plant too long without water. And so we go about our lives, from infancy on, creating and seeking those connections. Somewhere along the way we learn there is a certain element of decision to our love. We choose to love. Yup, you can say you cannot help it all you want but when you are on the downside of that slope and times are tough, you will understand that often we have to choose to keep dealing with the imperfectly perfect person we chose. Whether that is a significant other or a friend.

chance choice

When you do find someone who loves all of you, even the messy bits, then it makes all the struggle worthwhile, hold tight to them and appreciate them. That spark in our soul when we have found a kindred spirit is one of the greatest moments we can experience. The feeling that we are not alone in this giant world and we have formed a connection with another that fuses our journeys together, whether for a while or forever.

he found her beautiful

The messy bits are the hardest. The moments when another person’s (or your own) faults are so glaringly obvious that you could not miss the red flags, trumpets and fireworks. I’ve been guilty more than once of judging another harshly without finding out the whole story just based on my previous hurt emotions. Tender places tend to make us lash out.

I really need it

Cherish every moment that you have together, for our journey may come to an abrupt end or branch and we will have missed such a beautiful memories. I may not have shared your past ones, but we will build new ones and laugh about the old. We will relive them together on the nights around a fire relaxing.

knowing you

For even though time and distance separate us, even though we don’t know each others names or faces, somehow we are still part of each others journeys. And that is cool.

looking for you

 My best advice to you I guess, would be this: 

love the fool

A final word of caution though my friends. There are many who would rob you of your joy, who would drag you down in the dirt with them. They will use your heart and emotions against you. Time and time again you will hold a hand out to them and they will abuse it. It is okay to let them go. It is okay to walk away. You only make room for wonderful things when you cut out the poison. Don’t lose yourself in giving to others. Love you. Be you. Because you is beautiful in all its messy glory.

losing ourselves

Until we meet again, stay safe and be blessed.

 

 

It’s Been Awhile…

Well my friends, it certainly has been quite some time since I have spoken with you. I couldn’t begin to catch you up with all that has happened since my last post in 2011 – suffice to say I am an almost completely different person. Yes, I still struggle with some of the same things and have added new and subtracted old but there have been some fundamental changes in the process. Honestly I thought long and hard about whether this would ever be a safe haven again and decided that I didn’t care. Those who want to seek me out will, even if I were to try to stay under the radar. I will not run, I will not be pushed any further. I will seek peace in the place I am in. So there :p

In a nutshell life has changed dramatically. My hubby no longer speaks with two of his boys – much to our dismay. His oldest who is 21 and one of the twins (the youngest). The youngest I had such huge problems out of admitted finally that he was working to break our marriage up on purpose. Of course we didn’t find that out until my husband and I separated last year. Yes for four months I lived nearly 1,000 miles away. I caught grief leaving and I caught grief going back to work out my marriage. I’m not really sorry for any of it. It was hard to go through, but I really like some of the things that have come from the struggle. I know I appreciate things a lot more.

My kids miss their Kansas family, but they are also glad to be back and looking forward to good things, both here and visiting back there as well.

I have been really ill as well. I see a specialist February 6th and am hoping for answers. My last stint in the ER led to me being admitted to the ICU unit. The average female body holds 6-8 pints of blood – I needed two. Before I barely knew what was happening they had set me up for a blood transfusion because not only were my blood levels low, my labs came back nonexistent. No potassium, iron, calcium or lipids etc. So first they had to run straight potassium into my veins – which hurt like the dickens and once I was able to finish that off they went to work. No one knows where it went, how it happened that I was so anemic or how my health has spiraled so quickly to this dangerous place. What I do know my friends is what I haven’t said flat out till now. If I don’t get some help I will die. I am only 34 and intend to live forever so……pray for me :)

There will be more later, but for now I simply wanted to touch base, say hello and reclaim my space. Until we meet again, stay safe and be blessed.

The truth has always been there, waiting…

Joker's wild

Strange how when you come to the place you feel as though you could not be lower, you realize that is what it takes to clear your eyes and let you understand something deeper; if you let it. It is that silent sudden moment where things seem to shift and you are looking at it from a completely different perspective. Last night’s run in with my ‘step-dad’ (long story) made me think. I felt cast adrift because a lot of people who I depended on when I was young and as I grew, had in some way let me down or disappointed me in some profound way. A memory of a moments when my innocence fled and I learned things far too old for such a young girl. I raised myself ~ listening closely to the truth in my heart and in my faith (as I grew to understand it, and as it evolved over time). I learned to be a fighter, because that is what it took to take the hits. The story has been edited with what I’ve learned from the situation with her (my mom)  ex-husband. *shrug* Every experience, I’ve found can always teach you something. It is the card you are dealt and you are in control of how it is played. I’ve made my fair share of mistakes and misjudgements.

I’ve lost several people who were very close and dear to me. Some were important foundation stones in my life and some I’m afraid to admit are only fully realized and appreciated now that death has parted us. I can be incredibly insecure – yes the brash mouthy chic has a weakness. I’m terrified secretly that no one likes me because of all the rejection I have dealt with in my life. Betrayal and lies teach you not to fully trust anyone but yourself and even then you can let yourself down. I’ve hurt others by withholding certain parts of myself (not of malice but of ingrained reflexive habit). It is way too vulnerable a place to let anyone have those things. Yeah you risk getting really hurt but do you cheat yourself by doing so? Will I look back at places in my life and think if only I hadn’t been so damn stubborn. I refused to admit or see certain things about how I really feel/think about something and it directed my behavior in ways I am not proud of. Can’t change the past but am I brave enough to change the future?

There are several people who I have always felt a connection to, but was too insecure to pursue a closer friendship with, that have stepped up and profoundly changed my life. My sister Shawnee has been the yin to my yang, my calming influence, the one to keep me grounded; and yes she hates to admit – the peacekeeper. We were and remain as close as twins even if we don’t talk as much as we like. And as much as it pains both of us to raise our kids apart from one another. My cousins and I share something special that has kept the childhood memories we share and as adults, allowed us to slip comfortably into that same connection and build from it seamlessly. We also are united in grief from the loss of the gentle woman who taught us all that very lesson. I don’t know how but I am thankful for the why. I prayed for the support and acceptance without saying a word and it came when I needed it the most. I’ve missed badly the friendships I’ve left behind and been unable to remain a physical part of. I feel cheated of my ‘roots’. But I am blessed with a plethora of people who honestly care and show it. Had I not experienced the loss could I fully appreciate what I do have? Because I feel a great joy in that realization right now, even though life still pretty much sucks. And somehow life feels a little less heavy.

Perspective is a powerful thing. A tiny rudder steers the mighty ship – and so it is with how we approach a situation. It can suck but you can still power through if you set your mind to it. Cuz, let’s be honest, how far has bitching ever gotten anyone? Time to buckle down and figure it out. This is my life, this is my choice – I can choose to bitch and moan or I can choose to live it fully. Which will you choose?

Joker's wild

Until we meet again, stay safe and be blessed my friends.

 

“The tragedy of life is what dies inside a man while he lives.”

Our desires always disappoint us; for though we meet with something that gives us satisfaction, yet it never thoroughly answers our expectation.
~Elbert Hubbard

I have never been the type to sit dreaming of some fairytale ending. I am a dreamer, but also a cynic; which in and of itself is an oddity.  The title is from one of my quotes, Albert Schweitzer says it best. It has a nice macabre sound doesn’t it? Hooray we can all be martyrs now right? Life is one great big Greek Tragedy or a cosmic joke if you prefer. I know it sounds like I have no faith at all but I really do believe in God. I just think his sense of timing and humor leaves something to be desired at times. Honestly, I’m kinda pissed at him right now, I told him I couldn’t handle anything else and lo and behold a 2 ton load was laid in my lap. I’m cracking and the whole God never gives you anymore than you can handle isn’t holding water at the moment. I think at this point I have earned the right to a little resentment. I also believe that he understands when we get that way and doesn’t judge us or hold it against us, that is the whole grace thing. At some point I always come to the end, understanding where and why and maybe even appreciating the complexities of how our prayers, hope or dreams are answered; but the getting there SUCKS!!

We women are put into ‘competition’ almost from birth. We are barraged with visual, written and spoken evidence of our flaws and inadequacies. It is difficult to form genuine friendships with other women because secretly someone is usually comparing or competing and you don’t know who you can trust when your back is turned. There was a time when it wasn’t that way, but I know among my group of friends there are a lot of us that say the same thing; I don’t have a lot of female friends because I don’t like the catty BS. So we don’t play games and are able to relate in an open and supportive way to one another. Birds of a feather and all that jazz….

People hold themselves back from one another in defense and protection. It’s a cruel and harsh world out there. It almost becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy of doubt and failing. The hardest thing is sticking to what you believe is true and honest while still being able to assess whether or not it is something that requires a shift in those same beliefs. How do you filter the voices? Every time you let someone sway you from what your core beliefs are, a little piece of who you are dies. How do you stop placing your faith in others and take the reins back yourself?

The insecurities rear their heads in our friendships, relationships, jobs, homes and even in our parenting. We doubt ourselves, we question ourselves, we accept blame for things we have no control of. When my own strength fails me, I know I can count on someone always being there. I feel an odd emptiness right now though. One that dries up my words as well as my desire to do anything about what is going on. Yep, good ol depression is setting in. Yet deep within my soul that voice still whispers words of strength and wisdom to me, though I might sit in my anger trying not to hear.

He makes my feet like the feet of deer, And sets me on my high places.

The voice says to me: Listen well my child

He sent from above, He took me;
He drew me out of many waters.
He delivered me from my strong enemy,
From those who hated me,
For they were too strong for me.
They confronted me in the day of my calamity,
But the Lord was my support.
He also brought me out into a broad place;

 

 

 

Sometimes, I even resent that little voice. Because if I could pretend for just ONE moment that I was a person lacking any depth, it wouldn’t hurt so badly. It brings me back to the here and now and I just want the voice to go away and leave me in my misery. Is it really too much to ask that I not be a warrior for one day? Why don’t I get to enjoy being a newlywed?

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

I may not see it or even feel it right now, but I will come through this. I just don’t know how right now, LOL.