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Not Goodbye…..Until we meet again.

Today is going to be a hard day for me my friends. Three years ago we lost my nephew. He was one of the most special people I have ever had the honor of knowing and loving. He was born with SMA – a severe form of Muscular Dystrophy.

He taught me so much and I won’t forget the lessons from either one. I will teach my children the lessons. Cherish your loved ones, time is precious, don’t get impatient – for this too shall pass, you are stronger than you thought you ever could be, breaking down doesn’t mean broken; but mostly how to love without boundaries.

Those and so many more. I grieve today for the memory of that day. But I grieve the hardest for the little angel who left. Both were senseless, both touched my life in a profound way. A day doesn’t pass when I don’t see those laughing brown eyes and that freckled face reflected in the eyes of my children. Today I grieve. I will never forget.

I miss him with a fierce ache this morning. But I sent my kids off to school and his mother can only cry today in remembrance of the days she did the same. And so it is with humble gratitude that I remember him today and his mother and father as well as our family.

RIP my sweet angel, take care of everyone until we meet again.

 

http://pricesec.com/ordinarygirl/?p=519

For about eight years this day has meant to me what it means now to all Americans. A day of remembrance for the greatest sorrow my generation and those behind me have born witness to. A day when the Nation’s heart broke as one, where our anger and disbelief flared as one, we bled together and shed tears as one. A day when we all stood shoulder to shoulder, division lines gone. It has changed our lives forever.

A year ago today, this day took on a whole new meaning. Hearts broke and tears shed for a great grief once again that could not be contained. For on this day the Lord took my nephew Garrett Allen Buthe, who had turned 10 the week before, into his loving arms and welcomed him home. I could not be at his side though I wanted to badly. We left when my son was 5 1/2 and peanut was just 2 1/2. I had promised my son we would be back to visit, and then four and a half long years had passed and life had gotten away from me, I hadn’t visited like I wish I had. I think they only made it back there once. I inadvertently broke a promise to my son and we both know it. I was able to attend his funeral thanks to the great generosity of a woman I didn’t know, but consider a friend now. She knew Garrett, had been one of his paras in school, and everyone who met him and knew him, couldn’t help but love him. It was the least she could do she said.

I remember this day so clearly….

They were very nearly brothers. Born into a close family and born with a mere 8 month difference in their age. Their fathers were brothers and they grew up as close cousins. I have such fond memories of them all. There was not a single bit of difference between any of them and they all loved each other mightily as children are so capable of doing. Want to play tag? Sure thing. Garrett tears out on his ‘hog’ and Ean and Alexandria join in on their bikes. See, not a bit of trouble. Down Uncle Cory and Aunt Lana’s driveway. The three of them were glorious together.

Ean, baby Alex, and GAB
 Watching them tear into Christmas presents together, or playing at Grandma and Grandpa’s house. Going up to the cabin with the family for the weekend in Fall River, where they would swim, and jet ski and boat. Where we would watch fireworks and celebrate the Fourth of July. We would lay on rugs and blankets in the living room of the cabin and watch movies and nap together. And there were always card games. Those days are filled with love and laughter. True they held their own trouble and stresses but there are things I would give anything to have back for even just a day. I will never again hear the sweet melody of the three voices raised in laughter together over something silly. There are things you miss so much and they are the little things that tear holes in your soul and let you feel the lonely wind whistle through.
His parents were and still are fabulous. Not a day went by that they didn’t make every wish or dream of his come true. In his short life he accomplished so much. From bagging a deer with his daddy, to scuba diving, to his Muscular Dystrophy involvement and the sweet love of his mother; there wasn’t anything I can see that Garrett ever lacked in his life. They filled it with all the love and excitement a child could desire. With more patience and endurance than I feel like I could do – they worked every day with him. Every Halloween came with an amazing, well thought out costume to include his ‘hog’. They would all head out together to collect the sweet treats in their grandparent’s sub-division. They parented in a way I wish I could always do. In a way that I will always admire and strive to emulate. And we all love with a desperation born of the knowledge that life is so fleeting and unfair at times.
Ten years ago, I dropped my baby off at the sitter and went into my college classes for the day. I was in school for Journalism at the time and we were in the first class of the day, which happened to be Reporting 101. We heard the commotion as it began, the professor stepped out and got some basic information. The whole class was begging to be let out to go into our press room. Then we laid the argument down that if something of great importance was happening, better than sitting in class reading a book, would be to be out there doing what it was we were meant to do, report. Finally after what seemed like forever we were out and staring at the T.V. The first tower had been hit, and the great dark plume of smoke froze our hearts in our chests. Not a sound was going on in the room. We all stood, eyes locked on the screen, hearts in our throats.
When the second tower was hit, the great torrent of tears poured out as we learned what our fellow brothers and sisters were going through. We watched the fire burn so hot that many chose to leap from the burning towers. We watched their bodies fall. And we cried, we raged, we demanded retribution from the ones who had struck at our souls. On our own soil. Then even more horrible than before, we witnessed the collapses of the towers and when we thought we couldn’t be more shocked or grief stricken, again the tears flowed unchecked down our faces.
The thought crossed my mind that people who were alive for the JFK assassination or the Challenger explosion had stood as a Nation united and grieved. Still somehow I guess I never thought something like that would happen in my lifetime, and you hope not in your children’s either. Yet here it was, that moment for our generation and theirs. We stood united again in grief and confusion trying to sort the pain. The professor in charge of the Journalism program called us to attention and said. This is your moment, you can’t stand here and do nothing. You are journalists, get yourselves together and get out there and get the news.
So we mopped our faces, sucked it up and did. But we also grieved. I sat at a bench watching a group pray around me and the flagpole. I felt a solidarity with them, though I did not physically join them. I thought of a good friend, who I knew was a fireman in New York. He had been an engine chaser when he was a kid, then a volunteer fireman when he was old enough. I knew he was there. And I prayed for him as well as all touched this day. We brought back the news. It was my honor to collaborate with a fantastic editor of The Lantern on the feature article. We cranked it out through tears and sweat. It was a one headline day, a triumph in the journalistic sense, and yet there was no joy in it. For one word was all that was needed to speak the depth of this atrocity.
My son was too young to know at the time, just barely approaching 2. But he was overwrought by it this year, when they talked about it in school for the 10th anniversary. I spoke quietly to him about it, while I held him on my lap, his head close to my heart; and I ached. A decade has passed. A year has passed. It still hurts with a burn that won’t stop. I won’t forget the lessons from either one. I will teach my children the lessons. Cherish your loved ones, time is precious, don’t get impatient – for this too shall pass, you are stronger than you thought you ever could be, breaking down doesn’t mean broken. Those and so many more. I grieve today for the memory of that day. But I grieve the hardest for the little angel who left. Both were senseless, both touched my life in a profound way. A day doesn’t pass when I don’t see those laughing brown eyes and that freckled face reflected in the eyes of my children. Today I grieve. I will never forget.
In Loving Memory
Where were you? I hope you are safe and blessed my friends.

Has it really been a decade?

baby tornado

baby tornado

It was 10 years ago that you blew into our lives. Strong and stubborn and so beautiful. You reminded me of a precious moments doll. It wasn’t hard to guess from the start how it was going to be. I think back fondly of our “push wars” when I was pregnant. Little peanut  would dig into my hipbone and stretch – I’d put a hand there to stop her and the tug of war began LOL. I used to joke that after you were born first I would kiss you then I would swat your stubborn little butt. LOL. Little did I know how caught up in your energy we would all be.

You didn’t want to do any work to get here but once you decided to be born, you had the doctor running in the room, diving into gown and gloves and GO!!

You were 3 1/2 years behind your brother but you didn’t waste a moment. By the time you were 2 you had already been the first with a staple, dislocated your elbow climbing in church, been through a surgery, had the full allergy testing done, ear tubes and more and come through it all fighting.

That night I sat in the chapel praying when you were sick with rotovirus, the day you and Mr. BBP had the wreck….those are a couple of heart stopping moments that come to mind. But you haven’t let anything dampen that fiery spirit of yours. Not a day goes by that I don’t thank God for you though. I needed someone to shake me down to the core and bring me face to face with life. You see it isn’t a parent “curse” it is more like what you need in your life, you will see through your children and their journey if you pay attention.

When she was still in diapers a group of me and my friends got together in a madcap weekend we still dub Kansastock. (circa 95?) She charmed the pants off the group and so no one believes me when I tell them she is rotten *giggle* And once she turned those baby blues on anyone they were a goner.

My auntie & me

My auntie & me

Here is a pic of her with my SS – y’all know her as 1st Time Mamma. I hope she doesn’t mind that I shared this. I guess I am waxing melancholy about a lot of things. This was the first time they had met and as you can see – Tornado was quite content to snuggle up with her auntie and she was the type of kid that you were lucky if she warmed up to you, contrary to her brother who never met a stranger.

She is my stubborn child, my turn around and do the opposite child. She is my strong one, the one that doesn’t let herself be pushed around. In fact I hope she keeps on that way, because at 8 or 9 she was already smarter than me. She came home one day and told me that she had “broken up” with her bf. *rolls eyes* I asked why and she said that he wouldn’t play with her, then when they were doing some cheerleading stuff he ran off and dropped her. So she snaps her hands to her hips, does that little head swivel thing, then whips out the finger wag and says “I told him that if he didn’t want to spend time with me and didn’t care about my safety, then I will find someone who will”…..

I tell you friends, I wanted to drop to my knees and thank God then and there. LOL. Pray that she keeps that in her mind as she gets older. She will avoid a lot of heartache that way.

As time has gone on, she has gotten more stubborn and more beautiful. She stays pretty effortlessly on the A/B honor roll, don’t know what she could do if she actually put effort into it. She isn’t really self-conscious about herself. She was able to make up a demonstration and present it to the class for her 4-H project without any help from me. We were going to do sewing but I got sick and wasn’t able to help her. She as usual didn’t let that stop her and boldly stepped out on her own. She is forever tackling things that are twice her size and seems surprised when she comes up against something that stumps her. She has a wicked temper, a smart mouth and a helluva pair of lungs but the sheer boundless joy and appreciation she has for the things and people she loves go far toward forgiving her those foibles.

We will get a handle on things as she continues to grow and I couldn’t be prouder of how strong, loving, compassionate and smart my kids are. She was the first girl on either side so she is spoiled like every little princess should be, with enough guidelines and firm parenting to keep her on this side of good.

Happy 10 th Birthday my little blue-eyed tornado. I cannot wait to see what life brings you, to walk along your side as you triumph and fall. To watch that live out loud attitude take you the places you dream of already. Dad and I love you and are so proud of you. And I know that if your daddy was still here, he would be too.

Bubba & Tornado

Bubba & Tornado

All grown up

All grown up

You’ve come a long way baby….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Until we meet again, stay safe and be blessed.

I’m freakin’ Superman in my spare time….

I absolutely love being a stay at home mom and my husband works very hard to make that happen. It was a decision we made together. It ended up working out too while I was so sick. We don’t have a whole lot of extras but we have a pretty decent life. I’ve had much less for the vast majority of my life and so I count the blessings rather than complain about what isn’t perfect here. I have been seeing a new specialist that has made the most progress with my diagnosis and my medications. I have been 5 months without an episode. However my husband and I were talking about it the other night and we also believe that it had something to do with the amount of stress and anxiety that his boys had put us through. The timing just kind of works out that way and so it makes us wonder. The last time I went this long it was when I went to KS and we were separated and it was 4 months.

Since stress is the major activator of my issue it makes sense. Now they are all gone and not helping or even speaking to us. OrdinaryDad, the kids and I have all been pulling double time to keep up with everything. Funny thing is, even though it is stressful, it is getting done and better than when they were around and the extra stress is not causing me any issues. If anything I am working harder and healthier than I have been able to in a long time.

It’s OrdinaryDad who is suffering more than I and I think that is because all my energy is channeled into helping support him and making sure he is okay. Doesn’t matter what they say or do towards me, I haven’t cared what others have thought for a very long time. I’ve dealt with crazy family and drama my whole life and nothing they have done, could do or think of doing would knock me down because I HAVE survived the worst of the worst. It has made me strong and it has made me a fighter. And when I am in fight mode, I don’t have time to worry about my hurt little feelings or even if I do have any. Which is why I’m titled a bitch.Strong women who speak their mind and stand their ground loudly aren’t really appreciate around here. Especially in the South. They are more into the subtle Southern F-you. The one where they tell you to go to hell and you look forward to the trip before figuring out you have been insulted – and usually not till much later.

So between juggling the house and all the things that go with that, the kids and dinner and all the animals etc I am also holding together the strong person who usually helps hold me. Revamping plans for the family business, taking up the slack, stepping up and running some of the other things going on that we keep private from my blog, running this blog and my fan page, which thanks to all you wonderful people is starting to take off. I am also working on a short piece as well as perhaps a book, with the encouragement of a fellow author, blogger and friend.

Yes I have my moments of frustration, upset or resentment but in the end I love my life and chose it for a reason and I will be dammed if anything is going to take that away or otherwise mess with it.

They read this blog avidly. They can’t help themselves. They look for any little crack, any little detail they could possibly use. They blow things out of proportion or flat out lie (yes we have had to defend ourselves in court from the neighbors more than once) and so instead of taking a defensive position we are all offense baby. Starting to take care of our lives as if these people no longer exist. There was a hollow look in his eyes when he told me that his boys no longer existed to him, they have crossed the line and done too much; there is no going back now. And despite all the hurt they caused me it distressed me to hear that. I know all you parents out there are all like “No matter what my kid ever did to me I would never stop loving them or disown them” – well guess what. I was in your shoes too. Still kind of feel that way about it because I trust my kids won’t repeat this disaster. But I do know the possibility exists. And I totally understand why he feels that way. Until you have had your own flesh and blood betray you, lie about you, use you, manipulate you, try to destroy your marriage and then say “you made your bed I hope you die in it” (yes that is a direct quote from Mr. BBP to his dad via text last night) ~ then please don’t come in here throwing darts because he said that.

He means it now and I stand by him, but if he changed his mind in the future because they grew up or realized the truth I would still support his reconnecting with them. But he feels they burned a bridge and it is done at the moment. Do you blame him? His son also flung this blog in his face saying “You still haven’t read her blog and you take her side against us”. Let me speak very slowly and clearly for you ASSHOLEdon't be an asshole.

1) THIS BLOG HANGS OFF YOUR FATHER’S PERSONALLY OWNED WEBSITE – SO WHAT MAKES YOU THINK HE DOESN’T HAVE OPEN ACCESS TO IT.

2) QUITE OFTEN I READ HIM PASSAGES FOR HIS APPROVAL. YES I HAVE CHANGED THINGS AT HIS REQUEST.

3) I HAVE WRITTEN MOST ALL OF WHAT IS HERE WITH HIS PERMISSION AND ENCOURAGEMENT.

4) EVERYTHING HERE IS THE TRUTH AND YOU JUST DON’T LIKE IT BEING OUT THERE FOR GOD AND EVERYONE TO SEE YOUR BULLSHIT

5) I AM ASHAMED OF NOTHING IN THIS BLOG AND YOU CAN SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT.

6) TEST ME – PLEASE TEST ME……

Listen closely.

I.perfect I dont' care
don’t.
give.
a.
flying.
fuck.
what.
you.
think.
of.
me.

You are so wrong here it isn’t even funny. Your dad is wondering if you have lost your ever loving mind. You not only threatened his client relationship and challenged they would pick you over him, saying he couldn’t do a damn thing about it (as if he was even going to or is even like that dummy) but on top of that, you wished him to die. A direct threat against him. I wouldn’t push your luck any further. Karma is a bitch and I promise if you follow the neighbors path and papaw’s path – it won’t play out like you think it will.entitlement

And just an FYI – YOU are the only one who flunked out of school Mr. BBP. I was nearly killed in an auto accident my first round and my second round I chose raising my kid over finishing school at that time. I’ve never flunked out like you did. And in a matter of a year or so, I can have my masters degree – you don’t have shit. Have a nice life.

Keep reading me, keep hating me ~ it affects my life not at all. We will press on, be successful, shake the dust of all this bullshit off our shoes and raise our family together. You chose not to be a part of that. YOU chose to write yourself out of your father’s story. And YOU chose the enemy over him not the other way around. My friends and fans stand by me and so does OrdinaryDad as well as my kids both adopted and blood. So keep it up, nothing you do matter to us. I have my happiness and place to be at home, you threw yours away.

   pocket full of fucks

See my friends, I try to speak about other topics and they just refuse to give me breathing space. Thanks for being there for the journey both good and bad. Until we meet again, stay safe and be blessed.

 

Sending Heaven A Message ~ Too Much Sadness Today

Today is Father’s Day and for some of us, it is a hard day. We don’t have fathers who are with us, for whatever that reason may be. My father has passed and I have friends and family who will have a hard time today as well because they are missing their fathers too.

dear father

…..however mine is colored with regret for not ever having a real father in my life. I’m sure some of you can share that feeling as well.

I started the weird tradition in my family (when I became a single parent myself and understood all that my mother had to deal with) of calling her and wishing her a Happy Father’s Day. By then I knew what it took to be both parents to my two children. I have a son and a daughter so I see the need from both sides for a father in a child’s life.

I figured if she did the job of both, shouldn’t she get the credit too? When my sisters wound up in the same boat, they, as well as any of my single parent friends also get my calls/text/wishes on those holidays.And yes, I do wish my single father’s a Happy Mother’s Day as well. I simply admire anyone who takes a stacked deck and actually parents with it.

 

I try to focus on this day on the fact that I have a wonderful man in my children’s lives and that they won’t miss out on having someone in their lives like I did. But on this day they also hurt because they remember their dad isn’t here. My son because he remembers, my daughter because she can’t.

My husband went to town yesterday to run errands for guy stuff like Tractor Supply for dog food and parts for our John Deere Mower you know, guys junk. And my son went along for the ride. I’ll tell ya, he came back feeling 10ft tall because he got to go. My husband is no slouch when it comes to parenting. When he married his ex she had two kids, then they had three and when we got married I had two. So in all, he has been through 7 kids. I think he may have picked up a tip or two.

He has been there for everything over the last 7 years. He was there when my daughter got potty trained, when my son rode his first two-wheeled bike and then my daughter as well. He has been there through all the bad stuff too, like the day we almost lost two of our kids to a wicked car accident or the day we had to tell mine their daddy was gone. He was there, being a rock, a great man, a great father, a best friend. He will be there for their future things like graduation, getting married, having children; and I think that I couldn’t have asked for a better person in their lives. eternal calling

Today my heart breaks for OrdinaryDad. He is feeling it especially hard after Mr. BBP paid him and unpleasant visit. The little shitbird came up, dropped off the money for this phone – two days late ($60/mo), took the rest of his stuff, lipped off to his dad, accused him of kicking him out (still not admitting to the failing college and taking off and lying), tried to take his dog down to the neighbor’s house (and accused me of potentially doing something to her), lipped off some more, said he didn’t care about lying and using our client to do so, fucker actually shrugged. Funny thing is that he and I barely fought compared to his twin and when his twin left he bailed on HIS dog too and Chaos is thriving. Hell Sable sleeps with US now at night. She hasn’t really acted as bad as we thought she might.

On his way out the door I said “Nice Father’s Day, asshole”.  and he turned around and told me to go fuck myself which it totally fine, I laughed in his face. Then he proceeded to lip off some more to his dad on the front porch while OD had to make sure he didn’t steal Sable. Keeps saying it doesn’t matter, that he “can’t afford school” even though he is/was getting way more money this coming semester than he had first round. There is something seriously wrong with that boy. He has finally snapped like we worried he would, and it is just as ugly as we thought. He didn’t even try to come up here nice, he hit the door with a bad attitude. He was looking for a fight.

OD had to tell him he wasn’t taking the dog anywhere until he could prove he had a place to live with him and her. Claims he is finding something in town that will allow a pet….really? Umm I have looked for places to live many, many times in my life and good luck finding something. You really have no clue. And if you do, the deposit is a nice chunk of change.

My husband’s heart leapt in his chest when Mr. BBP sent the Happy Father’s Day text and asked if he could come up. He was so excited to hear from and get to see one of his boys today and now he is broken hearted again and I am angry on his behalf. But he will sit there bleeding from his wounds, drop by drop and just keep taking the slashes. He doesn’t stand up for himself let alone lash out and I’m curious if I will feel the same way if my kids act like jerks when they get older. Because I say right now I don’t care who you are, you are expected to treat me with the same respect I give you, and for that matter, if you push too hard, expect me to push back period.

This sucks so hard because I can’t help him other than be there to hold him together when he falls apart and yes he cries, I can only imagine how it hurts him to see what all the scars they carried have done to them and their choices. It hurts to watch a son have it all and let it go and to not even have the courtesy of giving his dad an explanation to understand it all. It hurts him to watch them live a lie and believe that lie and use that lie as a weapon against him. But he loves them enough to take it, he loves them enough to leave the door open, he loves them enough to love them even when they throw it in his face and I can’t help but admire him for it.

This is an exceptional man, and I am honored to share his life. Please send your thoughts and prayers to him. I’ll stand strong while he can’t because he never fails to stand strong for his family.

Appreciate what you have my friends. Please tell your loved ones how you feel and don’t let petty things stand in the way. Some day you might look back and it will be too late.

Until next time my friends, stay safe and be blessed.

to have a child

A Million Reasons Why

the way ppl treat youRelationships are hard. Any sort of relationship really, though I admit blood ties complicate things and add a level of guilt that might not otherwise exist. There are a thousand reasons why you might disapprove of or disagree with someone but maybe we are missing the million reasons why we do want them in our lives, all the reasons why we are thankful they ARE in our lives or that give us reason to fight to keep them there, complications and all.

a million reasons

Marriage isn’t easy, life isn’t easy, parenting isn’t easy; whoever started the myth or hope that they were, needs to be read the riot act for sure! Love has been spun into this intoxicating fairytale and gives us such an unrealistic viewpoint and often unreachable goal to shoot for. It paints a picture that just doesn’t figure in the hardships of life and the foibles of us all. So instead of working with what we have we keep aching for this ideal. How damaging is that folks? Just take a look around and you can see the signs. Broken homes, broken hearts and broken lives. Sure we know there is new growth poking up, we know the phoenix will ever rise, but oh the damage, oh the pain that could be spared.

If someone has something bad to say about you, its probably because they don’t have anything good to say about themselves. If we all tried to give others reasons to feel good about themselves, there would be a lot more reasons to smile and visions of peace far brighter than the darkness of insults.

We even sometimes get careless with the hearts in our care, not because we are trying to hurt someone, but maybe because we weren’t paying attention. Careless words sometimes cut the deepest and once said they can only be forgiven, not forgotten. How many scars will we lay upon the souls of others before we learn to weigh our words more carefully? The things we leave unspoken can hurt too. Those secrets we hide that eat us from inside, those fears that we never pull into the light and so they remain scary shadows in the dark recesses of our hearts. They speak a lie to us that destroys the truth in our lives.

It’s all about your focus. Where you place your heart and passion is where your life will follow. Beware that you do not let the negative lead. It isn’t only others I am talking about, we can find a thousand faults inside ourselves or look for the million amazing things. Your inner dialogue is more powerful than you realize, the secrets that your heart whispers can steer you places you never dreamed or leave you stranded in your worst nightmare. Love has a lot to do with choosing to feel that way about someone. There will come some point in time where the shiny fades from the relationship and the person’s cracks and flaws will have you doubting. It is in that moments that you have the choice to continue loving them through the bullshit or bail.

some people

Then there are moments when something has become so unhealthy that it drains the very life from you. A relationship so toxic and unbalance that you ache every time you have to interact. Their behavior never changes, their apologies ring false and their words are hollow. Then and there, blood or not, you have to decide whether or not to prune that from your sphere. Knowing the truth is that everyone at some point in time will disappoint you or let you down, it is the nature of the beast. I don’t say that to discourage you, but instead to point out that perhaps they are not out to hurt you, perhaps their behavior is a reflection of their own inner struggles and pain. Still at some point you have to cease letting them continue to drag you down when the stress and drama become more than the positive.

I know these things because I have had to make the tough choice to cut ties with family and have been judged for it without my side being heard. I have always been the black sheep. I always fought the bonds, the strict control; I’ve always been the seeker of truth behind the beliefs. I asked the questions that made people squirm and have been told to continue blindly believing and following.I wanted to understand. I wanted to light that fire of conviction in my heart and live it.

There came a point in my life when I could no longer do that where I was so I stepped off the path and have forged my way ever since. I am the friend who will tell you how it is to your face, for I cannot stand people who talk behind my back. Please feel free to tell me to my face you hate my guts or think I am a bitch and I will most likely shrug and walk away. But the backstabbing, two-faced BS really makes me hot. I will move heaven and earth to bring the fight to your door if it goes on in secret behind my back. I cannot tolerate a lie. I’ve lived lies too often in the past, I know it is easy to lie to yourself and I don’t want lies and half-truths to become my reality. You perpetuate a cycle in your life when you do that. Sometimes we have to throw off the millstones that others have become in order to truly set ourselves free. It doesn’t mean it won’t hurt, it doesn’t mean you won’t think of them or miss them; it simply means that you love you enough to stop the abuse.

 

your side

Look for the million reasons why inside yourself. Seek them in your truth, seek them in your path and most of all, seek them in others. When we focus on the positive we will find ourselves surprised to see that our attitudes follow. And if life cannot knock that hope out of you, then you have already won my friends.

In closing I just wanted to leave this:

To my friends, my fans & my family (blood & chosen)

To my friends, my fans & my family (blood & chosen)

Until next we meet, stay safe and be blessed.

 

Heartache To Heartache We Stand

Today I have been mulling over the topic of love and friendship. I figured I might as well type out my thoughts on the subject here to share with you my friends.

~Maybe we are entertaining angels unaware

~Maybe we are entertaining angels unaware

Even ordinary people in our lives can be the messenger we have been waiting for….sometimes something as small as a word or smile from another can change the course of our day. Humans are born craving intimacy. Babies who are born too early thrive when they are touched. We need daily interactions, and if those interactions become too negative then we will slowly start to shrivel up like a plant too long without water. And so we go about our lives, from infancy on, creating and seeking those connections. Somewhere along the way we learn there is a certain element of decision to our love. We choose to love. Yup, you can say you cannot help it all you want but when you are on the downside of that slope and times are tough, you will understand that often we have to choose to keep dealing with the imperfectly perfect person we chose. Whether that is a significant other or a friend.

chance choice

When you do find someone who loves all of you, even the messy bits, then it makes all the struggle worthwhile, hold tight to them and appreciate them. That spark in our soul when we have found a kindred spirit is one of the greatest moments we can experience. The feeling that we are not alone in this giant world and we have formed a connection with another that fuses our journeys together, whether for a while or forever.

he found her beautiful

The messy bits are the hardest. The moments when another person’s (or your own) faults are so glaringly obvious that you could not miss the red flags, trumpets and fireworks. I’ve been guilty more than once of judging another harshly without finding out the whole story just based on my previous hurt emotions. Tender places tend to make us lash out.

I really need it

Cherish every moment that you have together, for our journey may come to an abrupt end or branch and we will have missed such a beautiful memories. I may not have shared your past ones, but we will build new ones and laugh about the old. We will relive them together on the nights around a fire relaxing.

knowing you

For even though time and distance separate us, even though we don’t know each others names or faces, somehow we are still part of each others journeys. And that is cool.

looking for you

 My best advice to you I guess, would be this: 

love the fool

A final word of caution though my friends. There are many who would rob you of your joy, who would drag you down in the dirt with them. They will use your heart and emotions against you. Time and time again you will hold a hand out to them and they will abuse it. It is okay to let them go. It is okay to walk away. You only make room for wonderful things when you cut out the poison. Don’t lose yourself in giving to others. Love you. Be you. Because you is beautiful in all its messy glory.

losing ourselves

Until we meet again, stay safe and be blessed.

 

 

Easier To Run

Pretending I don’t feel misplaced Is so much simpler than change .....

Pretending I don’t feel misplaced Is so much simpler than change .....

If I could change I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave I would……
If I could change I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
I would take all my shame to the grave

It is easier to run, than to stand your ground when the shit hits the fan. I think what we all really fear is the silence. Because in the silence our insecurities start speaking, they fill us with all of the worst of us. In the silence, misunderstandings are born. It is also in that silence that decision are made. Some we realize right away, and others take longer to sink into our consciousness. In this silence our fears paint pictures that might not be fully accurate; If we don’t ask or tell – then that space is filled with something else, just depends on what your specific baggage may be. We reflexively tuck our stresses and problems inside us where they are safe and yet it is the things we don’t talk about that end up killing or separating relationships. It is easier to flee, to try to leave those things behind us. To admit them takes courage, the kind of courage that I am trying to find within my own heart.

Wherever you go, there you are. No matter how fast and how far you run, you will always catch up to yourself. There is no escape from your emotions, problems or issues. You take them with you. They live in the silence, in the shadows of your heart and they stay there until you deal with them once and for all. And if you keep denying they are there, one night they will catch up to you in the dark spaces in between our conscious and unconscious mind. You fill up your days with all kinds of activity and mostly you can keep your mind out of that deep hole, but in the evening when you are laying your head down to sleep and your defenses are low, they creep around the corners and you find yourself caught up again.

There is so much that remains unsaid, unvoiced, maybe even unrealized that shapes who and what we are. The way you respond automatically to certain circumstances, the way smells or sounds can take you back in time instantaneously; there is no escape. And so rather than be buried beneath it all, you must take a deep breath and look hard at the WHY. We see the what every day, but do you know why you believe what you believe or react how you react? No? Most people don’t even realize they can change the pattern if they figure out what it is that moves them.

I heard it described once as such: those moments in time where you have been hurt, neglected or upset – you freeze and bury those moments – and yet what we don’t realize is that we freeze a piece of ourselves as well. We remain the hurt child, the confused teenager, the bitter adult that we were at the moment that incident/emotion hit us. I’m tired of leaving all this crap frozen in the glacier that surrounds my private thoughts and feelings – and yet there is no safety for me in giving anyone anything that I consider a vulnerability.

That soft spot has been taken and used by more than one person. I started slamming the door shut in people’s faces when I was hurt or wronged. I will write you out of my story quicker than you can blink. I know it isn’t right, I know it isn’t healthy but I KNOW you can’t hurt me if you don’t know. I find myself becoming more and more private with my thoughts. I don’t even talk to my ‘friends’ as much as I used to. Not because they don’t love me or care, but they have their own lives and I can’t expect anyone to wanna dig through all the muck and mire with me. I know my true friends will always have their hands and heart out for me when I need encouragement but I find myself not wanting to intrude or bother people. Maybe that is a lie I tell myself so I can justify keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself. I can tell you that I don’t even tell these things to my husband anymore either.

I feel lost and alone though I am constantly surrounded by people (6 of us in this house plus the kiddos’ friends in and out) and 5 dogs, well it is hard to sit and while away the day in contemplation of how to remove myself from this rut I am stuck in. It pisses me off to no end that I cannot put my finger on why I am unhappy, I have everything I ever wished for and yet it rings hollow. Times are tough right now and I keep searching for answers or meaning.

I want to tell you exactly what it is inside me right now – but I don’t even know, so how can I describe it to y’all? I’m constantly stressed and frustrated and unhappy and nobody knows it but me…….

I am the voice crying in the wilderness of my barren soul praying for rain.