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Big Decisions ~ Tough Choices

So I’ve been talking with y’all about a job opportunity that has come up outside of the home. I’ll be honest, I’ve been agonizing over the whole thing since it came up. My immediate response was to get excited….very excited. And that was the first thing that made me pause. Due to past circumstances, I don’t “hope” for a lot of things; not getting attached before it actually happens ~ hurts less. Those who understand that need no further explanation, and those that don’t well it’s hard to explain it in that case….

So I had to figure out why I got so excited. Done. Then I had to assess the pros and cons as some of you recommended. That is when it got complicated.

I WANT this job. I could do this job and excel at it!! I might even be able to add insight into it and make the program stronger. I would be administrating the whole thing eventually. Also, I would be able to easily finish my degree since schooling is the perk of the job. No other benefits, but even the hours are not that demanding to start. Money is good too, I won’t lie. There has been this hunger to do this for a long time. Circumstances have pulled me twice, for two different reasons and at two different times, from this exact thing. I have a burning need to prove everyone wrong and finish what I started. I was unfocused and adrift at that time in my life, struggling with burdens I no longer bear and I take back to the task some wisdom and strength I would not have had either. I believe that will make my school experience mean something more important and vital to myself. I want to prove to MYSELF that I can do this too. Doubt is a powerful prison but it can be a powerful fuel as well. So that one is about me. What I want and need.

Then I turned consideration to my children. They have paid the price with me the last 5 years. The hell of step-parenting, my being so ill, the stress of so many family members gone for one reason or another. I’d be trading the complete and now unimpeded focus of my attention for their last chunk of time as kids, lose my last chance to do what we tried to do from the start and possibly lost the chance to help my daughter tame this wildness inside herself as well as fail my son breaking my own silent promise to him. He only has 5 years left and she only has 8. Time has taught me those will be gone before I know it, even if I’m paying close attention. Don’t they finally deserve my healthy attention? My not sick, not stressed, can participate daily attention?

You bet your ass that I have fought for them. You bet I took care of them day and night since they first drew breath. But I was a single parent for the first chunk – no choice but to work though it tore me up to realize other people were in essence raising my kids. I’ve been sick as hell to the point of nearly dying the last 6 years – like literally in the hospital every other month or so till about 7 months ago and now that I have the chance I was praying and begging for, am I going to throw it away or tend to my family? God knows D and I have talked about it since the boys left and we are determined not to make the same mistakes with Bubba and Tornado. Yeah…..the scales didn’t just tip there, they slammed down hard to the other side.

After that I thought on it a while. Not the choice I want to make, but the right choice I think. I was swaying towards not thinking it was a good idea. That I was being selfish if I chose myself over parenting again. I tried to go to school again for a while when my son was a baby. Got a full scholarship. It required a minimum of 10 hours of work on the newspaper on top of a full time school load. My son was in daycare centers and homes. We had several bad run ins. Yes, some of the places were fantastic but some people should not EVER be near children. I kept a close watch and popped in at odd times. I caught it each time and it tore me up each time. How could I keep subjecting my child to this?

I quit school again, got a day job and sent him to one of the best centers in the area. He loved it, loves them and even three years ago when we went back for my nephew’s funeral he remembered them and was happy to see them. They were more family than anything and that is a rare find. I’ve also worked at daycare centers and know what can happen. Bubba is too old now, but idle hands we have discovered with the older 3 are the devils plaything. So critical timing on him. Tordado, like I said earlier, is our challenge and if I don’t help shape this, I admit that it could be, more likely than not, disastrous left unchecked into her teens.

We are planning some day trips and stuff with them, as well as gathering camping gear now that we have a permanent storage solution. Less time with other people entertaining them with what kinds of things happen in a small town with bored kids, more time learning what it means to enjoy yourself and build roots with your family.

Then something came up that would send a much needed jolt of instant life into our business and we could be up and running easily. This would require my flexibility at home. An ability to run the home office we have created now that we had an empty room. We would instantly have two people in mind for employees and I would need to handle scheduling for them as well as the increase from our other thing. It would be time to get serious and start kicking butt and taking names. This would include a slower version of finishing my degree. A few classes here and there at night. Not the immediate gratification a fast hard push would have but a battle worth fighting.

We would also be building something the kids are both interested in. My son has the programming interest and Tornado is all over advertising and stuff. It is so fun to watch them developing their different levels of interest so differently from the boys. Had the three of them not lost their minds, they would each be in charge of a division with 1 -2 employees by now. Too bad, because that looks impressive, not to mention they would be making near triple anything they are going to be able to find on their own. They could be making bank and living in nice houses and such but they chose to struggle out there instead which is still hard for us to understand. We are trying to teach Tornado and Bubba as well because it doesn’t make sense to them and they have said as much, more than once.

Building this business back after all the hits we have taken is a battle worth fighting. Ordinary Dad did not push me at all. When I told him about my decision to turn the job down, he listened quietly to all my reasons and supported me. When, and only when, I directly asked him did he express his hope about the job and my wanting to stay here. Though he was the one that put my name up in the first place and brought news of it home. He would have supported me working if that is what I had wanted. And he supports my school desire too for me and for the benefit to our work. He wants what makes me happy and is secure enough to admit he hoped I would choose this, not only for me but for what we promised and dreamed together. So at the end of it, I am sorry to miss this chance ~ I got to see what I would be missing and that the dream I do have was what makes me happy all along. I would miss that if I didn’t understand dreams can change like people do. This is still my dream, it’s just not my most important one anymore. So I feel blessed and I guess I know what needs to be done. What has always needed to be done.

I am not going to rush it either by doing an online version. I will walk the campus, help with the business but first and foremost it is my job, my desire, my humble honor to take care of my kids and my husband. It isn’t my way is right, your way is wrong – it isn’t anything but an honest assessment of what the need not the want is and what is truly important at THIS moment in our lives.

the choice only YOU can make

the choice only YOU can make

Until we meet again, stay safe and be blessed my friends.

 

Not Goodbye…..Until we meet again.

Today is going to be a hard day for me my friends. Three years ago we lost my nephew. He was one of the most special people I have ever had the honor of knowing and loving. He was born with SMA – a severe form of Muscular Dystrophy.

He taught me so much and I won’t forget the lessons from either one. I will teach my children the lessons. Cherish your loved ones, time is precious, don’t get impatient – for this too shall pass, you are stronger than you thought you ever could be, breaking down doesn’t mean broken; but mostly how to love without boundaries.

Those and so many more. I grieve today for the memory of that day. But I grieve the hardest for the little angel who left. Both were senseless, both touched my life in a profound way. A day doesn’t pass when I don’t see those laughing brown eyes and that freckled face reflected in the eyes of my children. Today I grieve. I will never forget.

I miss him with a fierce ache this morning. But I sent my kids off to school and his mother can only cry today in remembrance of the days she did the same. And so it is with humble gratitude that I remember him today and his mother and father as well as our family.

RIP my sweet angel, take care of everyone until we meet again.

 

http://pricesec.com/ordinarygirl/?p=519

For about eight years this day has meant to me what it means now to all Americans. A day of remembrance for the greatest sorrow my generation and those behind me have born witness to. A day when the Nation’s heart broke as one, where our anger and disbelief flared as one, we bled together and shed tears as one. A day when we all stood shoulder to shoulder, division lines gone. It has changed our lives forever.

A year ago today, this day took on a whole new meaning. Hearts broke and tears shed for a great grief once again that could not be contained. For on this day the Lord took my nephew Garrett Allen Buthe, who had turned 10 the week before, into his loving arms and welcomed him home. I could not be at his side though I wanted to badly. We left when my son was 5 1/2 and peanut was just 2 1/2. I had promised my son we would be back to visit, and then four and a half long years had passed and life had gotten away from me, I hadn’t visited like I wish I had. I think they only made it back there once. I inadvertently broke a promise to my son and we both know it. I was able to attend his funeral thanks to the great generosity of a woman I didn’t know, but consider a friend now. She knew Garrett, had been one of his paras in school, and everyone who met him and knew him, couldn’t help but love him. It was the least she could do she said.

I remember this day so clearly….

They were very nearly brothers. Born into a close family and born with a mere 8 month difference in their age. Their fathers were brothers and they grew up as close cousins. I have such fond memories of them all. There was not a single bit of difference between any of them and they all loved each other mightily as children are so capable of doing. Want to play tag? Sure thing. Garrett tears out on his ‘hog’ and Ean and Alexandria join in on their bikes. See, not a bit of trouble. Down Uncle Cory and Aunt Lana’s driveway. The three of them were glorious together.

Ean, baby Alex, and GAB
 Watching them tear into Christmas presents together, or playing at Grandma and Grandpa’s house. Going up to the cabin with the family for the weekend in Fall River, where they would swim, and jet ski and boat. Where we would watch fireworks and celebrate the Fourth of July. We would lay on rugs and blankets in the living room of the cabin and watch movies and nap together. And there were always card games. Those days are filled with love and laughter. True they held their own trouble and stresses but there are things I would give anything to have back for even just a day. I will never again hear the sweet melody of the three voices raised in laughter together over something silly. There are things you miss so much and they are the little things that tear holes in your soul and let you feel the lonely wind whistle through.
His parents were and still are fabulous. Not a day went by that they didn’t make every wish or dream of his come true. In his short life he accomplished so much. From bagging a deer with his daddy, to scuba diving, to his Muscular Dystrophy involvement and the sweet love of his mother; there wasn’t anything I can see that Garrett ever lacked in his life. They filled it with all the love and excitement a child could desire. With more patience and endurance than I feel like I could do – they worked every day with him. Every Halloween came with an amazing, well thought out costume to include his ‘hog’. They would all head out together to collect the sweet treats in their grandparent’s sub-division. They parented in a way I wish I could always do. In a way that I will always admire and strive to emulate. And we all love with a desperation born of the knowledge that life is so fleeting and unfair at times.
Ten years ago, I dropped my baby off at the sitter and went into my college classes for the day. I was in school for Journalism at the time and we were in the first class of the day, which happened to be Reporting 101. We heard the commotion as it began, the professor stepped out and got some basic information. The whole class was begging to be let out to go into our press room. Then we laid the argument down that if something of great importance was happening, better than sitting in class reading a book, would be to be out there doing what it was we were meant to do, report. Finally after what seemed like forever we were out and staring at the T.V. The first tower had been hit, and the great dark plume of smoke froze our hearts in our chests. Not a sound was going on in the room. We all stood, eyes locked on the screen, hearts in our throats.
When the second tower was hit, the great torrent of tears poured out as we learned what our fellow brothers and sisters were going through. We watched the fire burn so hot that many chose to leap from the burning towers. We watched their bodies fall. And we cried, we raged, we demanded retribution from the ones who had struck at our souls. On our own soil. Then even more horrible than before, we witnessed the collapses of the towers and when we thought we couldn’t be more shocked or grief stricken, again the tears flowed unchecked down our faces.
The thought crossed my mind that people who were alive for the JFK assassination or the Challenger explosion had stood as a Nation united and grieved. Still somehow I guess I never thought something like that would happen in my lifetime, and you hope not in your children’s either. Yet here it was, that moment for our generation and theirs. We stood united again in grief and confusion trying to sort the pain. The professor in charge of the Journalism program called us to attention and said. This is your moment, you can’t stand here and do nothing. You are journalists, get yourselves together and get out there and get the news.
So we mopped our faces, sucked it up and did. But we also grieved. I sat at a bench watching a group pray around me and the flagpole. I felt a solidarity with them, though I did not physically join them. I thought of a good friend, who I knew was a fireman in New York. He had been an engine chaser when he was a kid, then a volunteer fireman when he was old enough. I knew he was there. And I prayed for him as well as all touched this day. We brought back the news. It was my honor to collaborate with a fantastic editor of The Lantern on the feature article. We cranked it out through tears and sweat. It was a one headline day, a triumph in the journalistic sense, and yet there was no joy in it. For one word was all that was needed to speak the depth of this atrocity.
My son was too young to know at the time, just barely approaching 2. But he was overwrought by it this year, when they talked about it in school for the 10th anniversary. I spoke quietly to him about it, while I held him on my lap, his head close to my heart; and I ached. A decade has passed. A year has passed. It still hurts with a burn that won’t stop. I won’t forget the lessons from either one. I will teach my children the lessons. Cherish your loved ones, time is precious, don’t get impatient – for this too shall pass, you are stronger than you thought you ever could be, breaking down doesn’t mean broken. Those and so many more. I grieve today for the memory of that day. But I grieve the hardest for the little angel who left. Both were senseless, both touched my life in a profound way. A day doesn’t pass when I don’t see those laughing brown eyes and that freckled face reflected in the eyes of my children. Today I grieve. I will never forget.
In Loving Memory
Where were you? I hope you are safe and blessed my friends.

Has it really been a decade?

baby tornado

baby tornado

It was 10 years ago that you blew into our lives. Strong and stubborn and so beautiful. You reminded me of a precious moments doll. It wasn’t hard to guess from the start how it was going to be. I think back fondly of our “push wars” when I was pregnant. Little peanut  would dig into my hipbone and stretch – I’d put a hand there to stop her and the tug of war began LOL. I used to joke that after you were born first I would kiss you then I would swat your stubborn little butt. LOL. Little did I know how caught up in your energy we would all be.

You didn’t want to do any work to get here but once you decided to be born, you had the doctor running in the room, diving into gown and gloves and GO!!

You were 3 1/2 years behind your brother but you didn’t waste a moment. By the time you were 2 you had already been the first with a staple, dislocated your elbow climbing in church, been through a surgery, had the full allergy testing done, ear tubes and more and come through it all fighting.

That night I sat in the chapel praying when you were sick with rotovirus, the day you and Mr. BBP had the wreck….those are a couple of heart stopping moments that come to mind. But you haven’t let anything dampen that fiery spirit of yours. Not a day goes by that I don’t thank God for you though. I needed someone to shake me down to the core and bring me face to face with life. You see it isn’t a parent “curse” it is more like what you need in your life, you will see through your children and their journey if you pay attention.

When she was still in diapers a group of me and my friends got together in a madcap weekend we still dub Kansastock. (circa 95?) She charmed the pants off the group and so no one believes me when I tell them she is rotten *giggle* And once she turned those baby blues on anyone they were a goner.

My auntie & me

My auntie & me

Here is a pic of her with my SS – y’all know her as 1st Time Mamma. I hope she doesn’t mind that I shared this. I guess I am waxing melancholy about a lot of things. This was the first time they had met and as you can see – Tornado was quite content to snuggle up with her auntie and she was the type of kid that you were lucky if she warmed up to you, contrary to her brother who never met a stranger.

She is my stubborn child, my turn around and do the opposite child. She is my strong one, the one that doesn’t let herself be pushed around. In fact I hope she keeps on that way, because at 8 or 9 she was already smarter than me. She came home one day and told me that she had “broken up” with her bf. *rolls eyes* I asked why and she said that he wouldn’t play with her, then when they were doing some cheerleading stuff he ran off and dropped her. So she snaps her hands to her hips, does that little head swivel thing, then whips out the finger wag and says “I told him that if he didn’t want to spend time with me and didn’t care about my safety, then I will find someone who will”…..

I tell you friends, I wanted to drop to my knees and thank God then and there. LOL. Pray that she keeps that in her mind as she gets older. She will avoid a lot of heartache that way.

As time has gone on, she has gotten more stubborn and more beautiful. She stays pretty effortlessly on the A/B honor roll, don’t know what she could do if she actually put effort into it. She isn’t really self-conscious about herself. She was able to make up a demonstration and present it to the class for her 4-H project without any help from me. We were going to do sewing but I got sick and wasn’t able to help her. She as usual didn’t let that stop her and boldly stepped out on her own. She is forever tackling things that are twice her size and seems surprised when she comes up against something that stumps her. She has a wicked temper, a smart mouth and a helluva pair of lungs but the sheer boundless joy and appreciation she has for the things and people she loves go far toward forgiving her those foibles.

We will get a handle on things as she continues to grow and I couldn’t be prouder of how strong, loving, compassionate and smart my kids are. She was the first girl on either side so she is spoiled like every little princess should be, with enough guidelines and firm parenting to keep her on this side of good.

Happy 10 th Birthday my little blue-eyed tornado. I cannot wait to see what life brings you, to walk along your side as you triumph and fall. To watch that live out loud attitude take you the places you dream of already. Dad and I love you and are so proud of you. And I know that if your daddy was still here, he would be too.

Bubba & Tornado

Bubba & Tornado

All grown up

All grown up

You’ve come a long way baby….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Until we meet again, stay safe and be blessed.

I’m freakin’ Superman in my spare time….

I absolutely love being a stay at home mom and my husband works very hard to make that happen. It was a decision we made together. It ended up working out too while I was so sick. We don’t have a whole lot of extras but we have a pretty decent life. I’ve had much less for the vast majority of my life and so I count the blessings rather than complain about what isn’t perfect here. I have been seeing a new specialist that has made the most progress with my diagnosis and my medications. I have been 5 months without an episode. However my husband and I were talking about it the other night and we also believe that it had something to do with the amount of stress and anxiety that his boys had put us through. The timing just kind of works out that way and so it makes us wonder. The last time I went this long it was when I went to KS and we were separated and it was 4 months.

Since stress is the major activator of my issue it makes sense. Now they are all gone and not helping or even speaking to us. OrdinaryDad, the kids and I have all been pulling double time to keep up with everything. Funny thing is, even though it is stressful, it is getting done and better than when they were around and the extra stress is not causing me any issues. If anything I am working harder and healthier than I have been able to in a long time.

It’s OrdinaryDad who is suffering more than I and I think that is because all my energy is channeled into helping support him and making sure he is okay. Doesn’t matter what they say or do towards me, I haven’t cared what others have thought for a very long time. I’ve dealt with crazy family and drama my whole life and nothing they have done, could do or think of doing would knock me down because I HAVE survived the worst of the worst. It has made me strong and it has made me a fighter. And when I am in fight mode, I don’t have time to worry about my hurt little feelings or even if I do have any. Which is why I’m titled a bitch.Strong women who speak their mind and stand their ground loudly aren’t really appreciate around here. Especially in the South. They are more into the subtle Southern F-you. The one where they tell you to go to hell and you look forward to the trip before figuring out you have been insulted – and usually not till much later.

So between juggling the house and all the things that go with that, the kids and dinner and all the animals etc I am also holding together the strong person who usually helps hold me. Revamping plans for the family business, taking up the slack, stepping up and running some of the other things going on that we keep private from my blog, running this blog and my fan page, which thanks to all you wonderful people is starting to take off. I am also working on a short piece as well as perhaps a book, with the encouragement of a fellow author, blogger and friend.

Yes I have my moments of frustration, upset or resentment but in the end I love my life and chose it for a reason and I will be dammed if anything is going to take that away or otherwise mess with it.

They read this blog avidly. They can’t help themselves. They look for any little crack, any little detail they could possibly use. They blow things out of proportion or flat out lie (yes we have had to defend ourselves in court from the neighbors more than once) and so instead of taking a defensive position we are all offense baby. Starting to take care of our lives as if these people no longer exist. There was a hollow look in his eyes when he told me that his boys no longer existed to him, they have crossed the line and done too much; there is no going back now. And despite all the hurt they caused me it distressed me to hear that. I know all you parents out there are all like “No matter what my kid ever did to me I would never stop loving them or disown them” – well guess what. I was in your shoes too. Still kind of feel that way about it because I trust my kids won’t repeat this disaster. But I do know the possibility exists. And I totally understand why he feels that way. Until you have had your own flesh and blood betray you, lie about you, use you, manipulate you, try to destroy your marriage and then say “you made your bed I hope you die in it” (yes that is a direct quote from Mr. BBP to his dad via text last night) ~ then please don’t come in here throwing darts because he said that.

He means it now and I stand by him, but if he changed his mind in the future because they grew up or realized the truth I would still support his reconnecting with them. But he feels they burned a bridge and it is done at the moment. Do you blame him? His son also flung this blog in his face saying “You still haven’t read her blog and you take her side against us”. Let me speak very slowly and clearly for you ASSHOLEdon't be an asshole.

1) THIS BLOG HANGS OFF YOUR FATHER’S PERSONALLY OWNED WEBSITE – SO WHAT MAKES YOU THINK HE DOESN’T HAVE OPEN ACCESS TO IT.

2) QUITE OFTEN I READ HIM PASSAGES FOR HIS APPROVAL. YES I HAVE CHANGED THINGS AT HIS REQUEST.

3) I HAVE WRITTEN MOST ALL OF WHAT IS HERE WITH HIS PERMISSION AND ENCOURAGEMENT.

4) EVERYTHING HERE IS THE TRUTH AND YOU JUST DON’T LIKE IT BEING OUT THERE FOR GOD AND EVERYONE TO SEE YOUR BULLSHIT

5) I AM ASHAMED OF NOTHING IN THIS BLOG AND YOU CAN SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT.

6) TEST ME – PLEASE TEST ME……

Listen closely.

I.perfect I dont' care
don’t.
give.
a.
flying.
fuck.
what.
you.
think.
of.
me.

You are so wrong here it isn’t even funny. Your dad is wondering if you have lost your ever loving mind. You not only threatened his client relationship and challenged they would pick you over him, saying he couldn’t do a damn thing about it (as if he was even going to or is even like that dummy) but on top of that, you wished him to die. A direct threat against him. I wouldn’t push your luck any further. Karma is a bitch and I promise if you follow the neighbors path and papaw’s path – it won’t play out like you think it will.entitlement

And just an FYI – YOU are the only one who flunked out of school Mr. BBP. I was nearly killed in an auto accident my first round and my second round I chose raising my kid over finishing school at that time. I’ve never flunked out like you did. And in a matter of a year or so, I can have my masters degree – you don’t have shit. Have a nice life.

Keep reading me, keep hating me ~ it affects my life not at all. We will press on, be successful, shake the dust of all this bullshit off our shoes and raise our family together. You chose not to be a part of that. YOU chose to write yourself out of your father’s story. And YOU chose the enemy over him not the other way around. My friends and fans stand by me and so does OrdinaryDad as well as my kids both adopted and blood. So keep it up, nothing you do matter to us. I have my happiness and place to be at home, you threw yours away.

   pocket full of fucks

See my friends, I try to speak about other topics and they just refuse to give me breathing space. Thanks for being there for the journey both good and bad. Until we meet again, stay safe and be blessed.

 

Things that make me smile

Welcome to Smile with us on Mondays Blog Hop w/The Seaman Mom
click above to link up

Oh those eyes

Oh those eyes

Angel Eyes

Angel Eyes

 

What makes YOU smile my friends?

Join our blog hop by clicking on the above link or just head over to see some more awesome bloggers. Thanks for stopping by to smile with me today. Until we meet again, stay safe and be blessed.

a good mother

You Have Entered……The Twilight Zone.

So last night was really weird. My husband’s oldest boy Cody called the house. He answered it, but only because he didn’t know the number. I guess Cody asked about coming up here because he told him no that we weren’t up for company tonight due to everyone running in different directions. Truth is though, neither he nor Aley really wants either of them up here even if that hadn’t been the case. They have been pushed way too far and they are tired of taking the shit when they are the ones actually working to make something of their lives and family. Aley for sure is tired of being bullied by his brothers and discounted by the rest of the family merely because he disagrees with them acting like they are totally innocent and everyone else is responsible for the things THEY did to themselves, including this division. He has had his jeep sold from under him, his family has cut ties and refuse to even send him things for holidays unless it is a convoluted delivery system through the extended family members that are helping cause the drama. Like we have EVER kept their mail from them.

Cody showed up anyways, in his usual style for a so-called visit (yes even after we said no) and ended up trying to take things with him that had been passed down to either Aley or Ean since he and Cameron have left. He beat a hasty retreat after being told no. Cameron was up here too but he is too much of a bastard to even come over to see his dad or the dog he raised from a pup and left behind without a thought. Before he left he made it clear he didn’t give a shit about Aley – we knew he wouldn’t come see his brother but the other surprised us (or maybe not his dad since he told his Dad he was trying to ruin his marriage and didn’t care that he was collateral damage). He stayed next door with the neighbors but got a shot in through Cody by trying to get the rug he left here and told Ean to his face he could have. He came back twice to get stuff and was asked what to do with the remainder. Cameron told us to trash it. We stored it and parceled out the other stuff into the other kids’ rooms; my son also inherited Cammie’s dog.

forgive yourself

Then the shit talking started. Cody’s newest girlfriend had sent me a friend request on Facebook. I hesitated for days, having already heard the way she acted towards Aley and heard from two other sources that she is a crazy chick who is nothing but trouble. Well instead of judging based on gossip like certain people who shall remain nameless, I decided to friend her and give her a chance, since she professed to both Aley and I that she would love it if the family was back together. I though well gee, finally a like minded person, maybe she can help me. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA…..all a fishing mission to set up Cody wanting his shit back. Then she started slamming me on FB and talking shit about this blog. Like I said when I came back, I could hide it if I wanted to, but I choose not to. And so yes, I broke my nasty stick out and started swinging. I don’t have it all the time anymore but be certain it is still there ready for anyone who Fucks with my family. Even then it isn’t breaking down into name calling – just firmly restating the truth of things. She never truly gave me a chance and that burns my ass to have someone be so two-faced. She was already working on assumptions and then lied to me when I questioned why she wanted to talk to me because I was sure she hadn’t heard good things. She told me they hadn’t said anything negative but then said she had been warned not to talk to me…..and is apparently willing to judge me not on the present, but on the past issues we ALL struggled with. She doesn’t know how hard I fought for them, how much energy and time I spent with and on them. Wonder if she even knows all the football games we cheered at for them or how much driving I did for them…..all the time out with their friends, the doctors, allergist, cardiologist etc.

Truth is that Aley is the only one of the 5 kids from the family they grew up in that has done anything worthwhile. He is going to college for Business Management/Computer Science and working with the family business that is taking off like crazy. Plus we have some plans in the works that will push it over into way too busy. We can’t wait!! He maintains his grades, works, has a busy personal life and also handles the family business. They all dog him and talk down about him calling him an asshole or saying he has been bribed and/or brainwashed and the reality is they are most likely jealous. I can’t see how college compares to a Garden Center worker at Home Depot or a cashier at Walmart……and even the youngers are starting to do things in school and life that neither of the boys could even be bothered with like 4-H and stuff so make it 7 kids total and Aley shines like gold. You can’t polish a turd no matter how hard you try. You can pretend it doesn’t stink but sooner or later it falls apart.

My husband and I talked about it all this morning and decided that no matter what, we only have each other and this household full of family. (with some special exceptions of course for blood and non blood family outside these immediate walls) We decided that we only need each other and those that are willing to be a part of all of our life so we no longer care at all to sweat the small stuff. And even if something weird were to happen and things were to not work out with us (which certainly wouldn’t happen) but neither of us would go back and mend the bridges these people have burned forever. Game over for them and this has been years of their destructive behavior to accomplish this. It isn’t the first or even the hundredth fight out of them so we just won’t play anymore.

Dennis has always been treated like shit by his family even as a kid. He was working at 12 and payed rent just to have his own room as the oldest child – neither his brother or sister had to, they were majorly spoiled. They hated his first wife and they hate me. It is almost like they just don’t want to see HIM happy. No matter what he has done. He has spent his whole life living near and taking care of his father to detriment of his own well being. He has worked military and DOC and now he owns his own business something that his brother couldn’t hang onto when one was given to him but Dennis has built up his own through hard work himself. Does he ever get any credit? No. Not even when he fought and won custody of all three of his boys. I finally got tired of watching how little they cared about all he did and stood up for him as a wife should for her husband and THAT is why I am disliked. Merely for speaking my mind like Cody’s gf feels she is doing. But she sees herself as right and me as a bitch. Funny how we lie to ourselves isn’t it?

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”

And as for me, well maybe I am too honest and trusting for my own good. I expect others to be like me. I tell the truth no holds barred even if I am afraid it might hurt someone. And those who love me, I mean REALLY love me, know that I am not being hateful, I just can’t stomach the thought of lies to those I care about. I don’t mean to claim I never fib to save feelings or bite my tongue when it isn’t wise to speak my mind, I’m just saying that you can trust me to not talk shit behind your back and to never say anything I wouldn’t say to someone’s face. If that makes me a raging unlikable bitch then why to I have so many close friends? Why can I go out and make friends easily? Why do all our clients like me so much? Because they KNOW they can trust me.

My friends in return know that even if there are hurt feelings real love and friendship can stand hard truths because we know that truth is always better than lies. I’d rather them say those things to me and vice versa because we have learned with time that often others outside the immediate situation can usually see better not being entangled in all the emotions involved. Who better to understand you than those that have seen you in your beautiful and in your horrible moments.

Those who love you are not fooled by mistakes you have made or dark images you hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness when you are broken; your innocence when you feel guilty; and your purpose when you are confused. ~Alan Cohen

 

Until next time my friends, stay safe and be blessed.

 

when I despair

 

 

 

Reading Between the Lines

good kid discount

It pays to have manners

When people speak about parenting, there are things they never mention. Things that most of us keep guiltily in the depth of our hearts, for fear of being judged or for fear of being the only one that feels this way; which is rarely the case.

You will pour your heart and soul into these tiny beings and your heart will break on a near daily basis for one reason or another. You will worry and obsess more about so many things that have never crossed your mind before. Everything from the ingredients in the food to terrible disaster our minds conjure up as parents, never mind we were little hellions ourselves growing up and survived just fine. It will be the most important and most (for the most part) thankless task you will ever undertake.

Having children doesn’t change certain parts of us. We don’t magically become these holy selfless beings. Tell the truth to your friends and encourage them. That little selfish part of us that wants a nap, or a bath or some time to ourselves will always be there, it is only  when we make ourselves or others ashamed of our needs that it becomes something ugly and hidden. It takes a daily act of will, strength of character to continuously put another’s needs before your own and sometimes at the expense of your own. We will fail, not because we are terrible people or parents, but because we are still human. Teaching our children how to humbly handle being wrong is a more important skill than we realize. I honestly can’t remember once my mother apologized to me as a child, and few as an adult.

It isn’t all nose to the grindstone. You will have moments of blinding joy. Moments that your heart threatens to burst from your chest from the sheer beauty of it. You will miss the dependance more than you know once they start growing apart from you. The sheer irony of our job is to teach them to be free of us, to think and function for themselves and then we tend to sabotage their attempt because we still want to protect them, we have a hard time letting go. This is the age though where you get some of you back again. When they are learning self-reliance and responsibility, let them be independent. Set the rules and guidelines and then trust them enough to nap with your door open. Kids blossom when they feel that praise and trust, even the toughest nut can be cracked by the right combination of rules and rewards. Even though that letting go process is bittersweet and painful, the grace with which you handle it or the lack thereof will affect your child forever so be mindful.

Any parent that won’t admit to messing up or not once has had to apologize to their child is either A) A liar B)A blissful first-time parent of a newborn C)A Stepford Spouse or D)A secret descendant of Yoda and you must teach me the ways of the force.

Seriously though, it never crossed my mind to wonder if my mother ever had moments when she (as is totally human) felt resentment for my attitude and stubbornness as a teenager and on into my early twenties. Is my now 13 year old son standing on the cusp of us engaging in the same age old battle for individuality? Does finding your own place in the world have to always be so painful to you and those around you? Or is there some other way to comfortably bridge that gap?

This parenting gig is rough! They should be born with warning labels and tiny manuals strapped to their little bottoms! Let me know your thoughts on the matter.

Until we meet again my friends, stay safe and be blessed!

 

A Light In The Darkness – No Ordinary Love

She is still in the hospital – Aley has been on the phone via text with her constantly through the day. There was a bit of an issue yesterday afternoon. For some reason a doctor decided to run a test on her heart in order to “see if it could recover from an shock” so they gave her an adrenaline shot, K suffered a mini seizure and now has amnesia. I SWEAR I am not making this up – is it real life fairytale people…She remembers bits and pieces.

Aley has faithfully spent all yesterday talking her through it, reminding her of things, telling her stories. Bit by bit she is building a picture. Aley told me about the afternoon: her mom took a picture of her sleeping and sent it to him saying she was dreaming of him. When she woke up, they were chatting and she asked him if it was weird for him that she didn’t remember. He told her not really, that she remembered some and that mattered. He said I love you and when she said it back, he asked her if it was weird for her to say that not knowing why. She told him a little but that she knew it was true because she could feel it. She told him she had dreamed of him. And when he asked her about it she told of the memory of how it felt the last day she saw him and had to leave him.

I have talked with Aley and he realizes that he has ‘stumbled’ into something that most people spend their whole lives searching for. I told him in all seriousness to hold onto it, because it was something precious. I have never been prouder of him than I am now. His character is shining through loud and clear. After the initial shock has worn off, he has been responsible, strong, patient and very supportive to her through this whole thing. Most definitely I see that he has become a man.

I am honored that he is sharing with me. He has come once or twice to give us updates about how she is doing and what is going on. My husband and I were in the kitchen and he stopped briefly to ask if we happened to have money for a round trip…. he didn’t get much further before we had to say no we did not, much as we wished we did and could send him to be at her side. I see him in a bright light, standing at the side of the maiden fair, in shining armor. I wish so bad we could, I know that he could help. If she came home after four days in a coma to him, and he has been there to help her how he can and been doing so admirably – then being there to hold her hand or touch her face would light the darkness for her.

Lost in the shadows she can feel this powerful love that they share. She knows that he is the one for her and as much as it going on – that love keeps them connected through the miles. I cannot do justice to the way it feels in a parent’s heart to see and recognize that their child has found true love. Their soul mate. Aley is, and always has been the steady one. He is logical and methodical in his life. He is a strong tower that stands amid the storms for her. I haven’t given him enough credit for that. I’ve known it was there, but it has never shined so brightly before.

You have to stand back and watch them go. You prepare them their whole lives for this moment, and much as it hurts, you know it is time. I don’ worry as much as I used to. I see how wonderful they are, yes we all have our faults, but now I am seeing their strengths. I am encouraging them to use those and by example now, teaching them how to fly with them. Cameron has shared some private plans with me that make me bust with pride as well.

Where once I saw children in all three of these young people, I see it changing. I see a man and a woman, in love, one that will transcend time and space – one that we can help them take proper care of. Especially by leading through our newly transformed relationship. I see a young man, who used to be a little Emo, turned into a confidant businessman who is off soon to compete in National Competitions all across the country this summer for FBLA as well as TSA doing web design. He has already taken first in State Competitions. He is seriously, and always has, considering where his goals are set and what he can do to get there.

I am humbled by how clearly things have come into view. I understand a lot of what was going on, what was going wrong and how we can still make it there. Nothing is ever hopeless with faith and love. Don’t ever give up, though the night is long and your heart is weary that last step could be the one that takes you into the light of the sun.

Stay safe and be blessed my friends.

True love and Brotherhood

IT’S THE CLIMB………………….Thanks y’all-s, thoughts and reflections

First of all I would like to start by thanking Debi and her husband Robert for making this trip possible. Being a journalist and finding myself at a loss for words isn’t usual for me. :p As hard as it was to say goodbye, thank you from the bottom of my heart for making it possible for both my son and I to have that opportunity. We BOTH needed it and the pain will ease but the regret would have lasted forever. May God bless you and yours for the unselfish generosity, loving compassion and honor to Garrett that you showed by sending me those tickets. I am forever in your debt and mightily humbled by how loving of a God we have.

Secondly, I would like to say it was truly a pleasure to meet Kellie, her children, the new baby (aka chunky monkey), and all of the extended Buthe family, as well as seeing everyone I knew from the family there as well as friends from long ago. Saddened as we all were by the reasoning behind it all. I am honored to call you all family, you made no differentiation between me and Ean and I cannot tell you how welcomed, comforted and part of it all that made me feel. Thank you, it would have been difficult without family by our side. Thank you for the warm and open love and welcome you gave to my son, he NEEDED that family connection and you guys were wonderful! Gloria, I hope that this past few days has changed you as it has I. I feel as though we could have a great and close connection not only with us but the kids as well. And it is comforting to know that they have those family roots and connection there and now they, especially Ean knows that. And again, it was EXACTLY what he needed. From the depths of my heart thank you. <3

Thank you to my awesome Kansastock crew (Ames, Coleo and his lovely gf Arielle) for the love and support and in person hugs and time spent with me. Arielle is lovely, intelligent and just perfect for Cole. You could see the spark between them and my aunt even asked me when y’all were getting married. She went out of her way to bring her and Cole to meet my aunt and I at the mall, just so they could support me and give me a hug and I could meet the wonderful woman who stole our best friends’ heart. *on a sidenote, the brownies disappeared, did not make it home with me and I didn’t have a single one )-; but THANK YOU for sending them.

All of my galz who offered all their words of love and support as well as prayers through this whole difficult time, thank you. I know you will all say “pshaw, it was nothing you wouldn’t have done for us, what are friends for” but there are no words for how soothing that was to my soul. <3

We took Ean to see his father’s grave (since GAB was going to be buried next to him and I wanted him to be prepared ahead of time). All in all I think it went well. Gloria, Ean and I cut fall flowers for his headstone planter, Ean carefully trimmed the grass away and had a few private moments to himself. He didn’t say much but he seemed thoughtful. I wouldn’t say upset but hopefully it gave him some needed closure.

As I drove around my old hometown I found that though there had been changes, it was still very much the place I remember. I felt pretty nostalgic as I toured old areas and these lyrics ran through my mind by Toby Keith……Something made me smile. Something seemed to ease the pain Something about the universe and how it’s all connected. I felt how deeply I had changed and the rightness of that change. I KNOW for certain in the depths of my heart that the move was the right thing to do, that the universe had aligned in my life the way that it was supposed to unfold, that however does nothing to stem my grief or my regret at them not having those years together. I wish I could give those 5 years back, but the path cannot be untraveled and so my peace with it all has been made, and allowed another door to open. We look forward to the kids enjoying long summer visits with their family.

I left the young, in love, foolish, untrained girl behind with you and only the woman returned. I’ve let go of all the what ifs and anger and regrets now I hope for peace and healing to flood in.

Lana, Cory and Kellie, I cannot tell you how deeply sorry I am for your loss. I can only say that as deeply as I feel it cut me it has to be 1,000x harder for you. Nothing could ever hurt as badly as having to bury your child, especially so young. I felt the brush of it when Aley and Alexandria had that wreck and it horrified me. As you go know that there are many many people praying for peace and healing and standing around you to support you when times get rough. The grief will never leave but I hope for you an easing and a knowledge that this isn’t goodbye only until we meet again.

Thank you to the Harley bunch, it truly warmed my heart and I know GAB was smiling down when y’all pulled up to pay tribute to such a powerful young soul.

Karen and the CDC crew: it was AWESOME to see you and I <3ed Ean’s face when he saw and remember y’all. Each little connection was such a powerful comfort to him.

My nephew’s funeral was packed, so was the overflow room and I believe there were people standing in there. There were many many more who wished to be there and were unable to do so: Awe insipiring how powerful his impact was in the time that he spent here. I hope that everyone remembers that and takes from it the knowledge that your OUTLOOK on life has a power to effect other and change the world. We can choose everyday to hold our heads up and keep going no matter what life may throw at us with the knowledge that there will always be hope, there will always be dreams and even when life knocks us facedown in the dirt or throws a curve that we cannot begin to understand that we can keep climbing and choose to never quit. How could any of us do less than Garrett with all that he faced with courage every day of his life?

Joel, thank you for the ride from KC to Augusta, it was much appreciated. Kate & Steve thank you so much for opening your home to us we appreciated the support. And I cannot thank you enough for the loan of your vehicle while I was there it made it possible for me to be a part of what I needed to when I needed to.

I am sorry I missed many people I would have liked to spent time with and hope they understand that it was certainly not personal it was just really hectic and emotional. I am hurt by the insinuation that I was not under an obligation to spend every moment with my “Buthe” family because I flew there ONLY FOR MY NEPHEW’S FUNERAL , however that was such a tiny blip and I’m certain wasn’t meant in the way it came out, I was awfully raw and emotional at that time…..

Thank you for the “special gifts” for my children to have a “piece” of GAB with them always. I appreciate the unselfish generosity.

In conclusion, the hole left behind by that little freckle faced kid will gape large and raw for a long time for a lot of people. Let us turn our minds towards “solutions” to the situation by using our energy to support people who supported GAB through his life. MDA was a HUGE part of Garrett’s life and they were his other family. Please support MDA and honor the memory of those who lose this battle every day. Ewalt elementary school taught GAB from Pre-K-3 and all of you showed up in force many time to support them and never made GAB feel as though he were any different. We should get more involved with supporting our schools, in our children’s educations, and in making changes where we can when we find lack.

Most of all, thank God for every day that you have. Each one is a gift and may house a memory to cherish for a lifetime.

RIP?

This is a video of one of the songs played at the funeral and it really touched me:

too bad Miley sings it, LOL……………J/K