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Has it really been a decade?

baby tornado

baby tornado

It was 10 years ago that you blew into our lives. Strong and stubborn and so beautiful. You reminded me of a precious moments doll. It wasn’t hard to guess from the start how it was going to be. I think back fondly of our “push wars” when I was pregnant. Little peanut  would dig into my hipbone and stretch – I’d put a hand there to stop her and the tug of war began LOL. I used to joke that after you were born first I would kiss you then I would swat your stubborn little butt. LOL. Little did I know how caught up in your energy we would all be.

You didn’t want to do any work to get here but once you decided to be born, you had the doctor running in the room, diving into gown and gloves and GO!!

You were 3 1/2 years behind your brother but you didn’t waste a moment. By the time you were 2 you had already been the first with a staple, dislocated your elbow climbing in church, been through a surgery, had the full allergy testing done, ear tubes and more and come through it all fighting.

That night I sat in the chapel praying when you were sick with rotovirus, the day you and Mr. BBP had the wreck….those are a couple of heart stopping moments that come to mind. But you haven’t let anything dampen that fiery spirit of yours. Not a day goes by that I don’t thank God for you though. I needed someone to shake me down to the core and bring me face to face with life. You see it isn’t a parent “curse” it is more like what you need in your life, you will see through your children and their journey if you pay attention.

When she was still in diapers a group of me and my friends got together in a madcap weekend we still dub Kansastock. (circa 95?) She charmed the pants off the group and so no one believes me when I tell them she is rotten *giggle* And once she turned those baby blues on anyone they were a goner.

My auntie & me

My auntie & me

Here is a pic of her with my SS – y’all know her as 1st Time Mamma. I hope she doesn’t mind that I shared this. I guess I am waxing melancholy about a lot of things. This was the first time they had met and as you can see – Tornado was quite content to snuggle up with her auntie and she was the type of kid that you were lucky if she warmed up to you, contrary to her brother who never met a stranger.

She is my stubborn child, my turn around and do the opposite child. She is my strong one, the one that doesn’t let herself be pushed around. In fact I hope she keeps on that way, because at 8 or 9 she was already smarter than me. She came home one day and told me that she had “broken up” with her bf. *rolls eyes* I asked why and she said that he wouldn’t play with her, then when they were doing some cheerleading stuff he ran off and dropped her. So she snaps her hands to her hips, does that little head swivel thing, then whips out the finger wag and says “I told him that if he didn’t want to spend time with me and didn’t care about my safety, then I will find someone who will”…..

I tell you friends, I wanted to drop to my knees and thank God then and there. LOL. Pray that she keeps that in her mind as she gets older. She will avoid a lot of heartache that way.

As time has gone on, she has gotten more stubborn and more beautiful. She stays pretty effortlessly on the A/B honor roll, don’t know what she could do if she actually put effort into it. She isn’t really self-conscious about herself. She was able to make up a demonstration and present it to the class for her 4-H project without any help from me. We were going to do sewing but I got sick and wasn’t able to help her. She as usual didn’t let that stop her and boldly stepped out on her own. She is forever tackling things that are twice her size and seems surprised when she comes up against something that stumps her. She has a wicked temper, a smart mouth and a helluva pair of lungs but the sheer boundless joy and appreciation she has for the things and people she loves go far toward forgiving her those foibles.

We will get a handle on things as she continues to grow and I couldn’t be prouder of how strong, loving, compassionate and smart my kids are. She was the first girl on either side so she is spoiled like every little princess should be, with enough guidelines and firm parenting to keep her on this side of good.

Happy 10 th Birthday my little blue-eyed tornado. I cannot wait to see what life brings you, to walk along your side as you triumph and fall. To watch that live out loud attitude take you the places you dream of already. Dad and I love you and are so proud of you. And I know that if your daddy was still here, he would be too.

Bubba & Tornado

Bubba & Tornado

All grown up

All grown up

You’ve come a long way baby….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Until we meet again, stay safe and be blessed.

Heartache To Heartache We Stand

Today I have been mulling over the topic of love and friendship. I figured I might as well type out my thoughts on the subject here to share with you my friends.

~Maybe we are entertaining angels unaware

~Maybe we are entertaining angels unaware

Even ordinary people in our lives can be the messenger we have been waiting for….sometimes something as small as a word or smile from another can change the course of our day. Humans are born craving intimacy. Babies who are born too early thrive when they are touched. We need daily interactions, and if those interactions become too negative then we will slowly start to shrivel up like a plant too long without water. And so we go about our lives, from infancy on, creating and seeking those connections. Somewhere along the way we learn there is a certain element of decision to our love. We choose to love. Yup, you can say you cannot help it all you want but when you are on the downside of that slope and times are tough, you will understand that often we have to choose to keep dealing with the imperfectly perfect person we chose. Whether that is a significant other or a friend.

chance choice

When you do find someone who loves all of you, even the messy bits, then it makes all the struggle worthwhile, hold tight to them and appreciate them. That spark in our soul when we have found a kindred spirit is one of the greatest moments we can experience. The feeling that we are not alone in this giant world and we have formed a connection with another that fuses our journeys together, whether for a while or forever.

he found her beautiful

The messy bits are the hardest. The moments when another person’s (or your own) faults are so glaringly obvious that you could not miss the red flags, trumpets and fireworks. I’ve been guilty more than once of judging another harshly without finding out the whole story just based on my previous hurt emotions. Tender places tend to make us lash out.

I really need it

Cherish every moment that you have together, for our journey may come to an abrupt end or branch and we will have missed such a beautiful memories. I may not have shared your past ones, but we will build new ones and laugh about the old. We will relive them together on the nights around a fire relaxing.

knowing you

For even though time and distance separate us, even though we don’t know each others names or faces, somehow we are still part of each others journeys. And that is cool.

looking for you

 My best advice to you I guess, would be this: 

love the fool

A final word of caution though my friends. There are many who would rob you of your joy, who would drag you down in the dirt with them. They will use your heart and emotions against you. Time and time again you will hold a hand out to them and they will abuse it. It is okay to let them go. It is okay to walk away. You only make room for wonderful things when you cut out the poison. Don’t lose yourself in giving to others. Love you. Be you. Because you is beautiful in all its messy glory.

losing ourselves

Until we meet again, stay safe and be blessed.

 

 

I am sooo Entitled…..

I am seriously SMFH. What is it with today’s youth that they feel entitled to certain things before they have earned them?

words for teenagers

The constant refrain I hear, even around here, is “the world doesn’t owe you anything”. I have spent my whole life, as the product of a single parent home, understanding that nothing worth having comes easy or cheap. There is a price to be paid for everything. Sometimes we trade one thing for another. Does it matter? When it comes down to brass tacks, you have to bust your ass to get anywhere in life. Sure fate plays a role, but I sincerely believe our destiny is what we make of it.

I see all these teenagers and young 20s sitting around whining about life. And I will tell you where and how it started. It started with all this feel good BS we shovel, it started with EVERYONE gets a trophy, everyone makes the team, no one’s feelings can get hurt and we have to “protect their fragile little egos”. Fragile my ass, kids are tough as nails, kids are dictators; kids are barbarians that need to be shown how to act civilized; they have to be taught to find their conscience. Come on, let’s be honest.

I have very, VERY, strong -willed children. (yes that does include my asshole step-sons 😉 – lol) I am way too far into this parenting gig to lie to myself or to you my friends. Oh sure, I can put a tu-tu on it, but why bother? We are all adults here. They will complain no matter how good they have it, honestly – the better they have it, the more they seem to complain these days. It’s like the cushion we have been providing because “we were gonna raise our kids different from the strict nonsense. WE are gonna understand them like we weren’t….” or whatever reasons drive you because each of us is different despite our similarities.

Still they are sliding through school, sliding through home life with no responsibilities, given every reason in the world not to succeed and we act surprised when they get out of line. How else can I explain the basic need for us to let them fail when it is little, when we can kind of, direct the blow? Failure is a must have in order to survive. If we scuttled after a child constantly and never let them get hurt they would never know and be sent out into the world expecting the same. If we love our children and truly want what is best for them I believe we need to teach them that life isn’t fair, that roads get bumpy, that you may not end up where you thought you would be, but that the journey was worth it and the place is exactly where you need to be.

No boss will call your house to make sure you are out of bed on time. No doctor will sit by your bedside and nurse you back to health because you won’t take care of yourself. There is no magic kiss that will make your heartaches better when you grow up. It is hard. Life is hard. We have to teach them it is worth it.

worth it

What are your thoughts my friends? Until next we meet, stay safe and be blessed.

 

Wild & Wonderful Days

randomness weekend

So my husband’s loser brother called us last night (hubby figures he was drunk). Keep in mind D is the only one that has lived near his father and taken care of him his whole life. His brother & sister moved to Hawaii and they live together with her husband. So Sean calls last night saying he is in town, gong to be next door with those crazy neighbors that have been causing us issues, (click here to see parts 1, 2 & 3) and he is wanting to ‘kick Dennis’ ass’ when he is here today. When my hubby hangs up on him, brother then proceeds to text some nasty little messages calling him out. We blew him off laughing, because we knew nothing would happen. Sean is all talk, no action.

We spent the morning doing our yard work despite it and happened to be fixing our roof leak when the brother and my hubby’s dad showed up at the neighbors. Sure enough, little sissy la la didn’t even look our way.

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On a brighter note, the chickens are 5 weeks old which means they will be going into the chicken tractor hopefully next week. Should have enough feathers and be warm enough with a lamp out there. Still will be two weeks till they can roam in the yard under the tractor though.

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Nothing worse than worrying about a leak over your toilet, so every time you sit down you are worried the ceiling will just randomly fall………makes me feel like chicken little

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I’m thinking I deserve a guilt free nap today.

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So excited to reach 100 fans this weekend. It was an awesome gift today. I am overjoyed to see so many new faces and meet so many amazing pages. I really love that I have gone back to my roots and passion. Thanks for the inspiration guys.

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My step-son bought me the sweetest gift for Mother’s Day and my kiddos made cards – I am blessed.

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Fact of the day: 4 years ago on Mother’s Day my husband and I were still in Vegas celebrating our honeymoon.
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That has been today’s edition of randomness weekends with The Queen of WTF? Brought to you today by the letter L and the number 0

Until we meet again my friends, stay safe and be blessed.

 

Holidays………Bah Humbug!!

I'll be home for Christmas...........if only in my dreams

I'll be home for Christmas...........if only in my dreams

Holidays are always hard for me………..there! There is my deep dark confession of the day, I HATE the holidays and love them desperately at the same time. My heart yearns for the traditional perfect family holiday but reality is………life isn’t like that. This year is worse than usual, but I’m hiding it from most everyone because I need to make this holiday special for lots of reasons for the sake of others that I love more than life …..but the stress is getting to me, especially with other dark clouds that hang over our shoulders. They are important and hard to ignore but not what we should be consumed with before Christmas. Trying to make this one special. Extra so since my husbands twin boys are 17 this year and will graduate in May. One will be staying and going to college, the other has plans of his own that do not include hanging around the house for long.

It isn’t as if I have some unrealistic expectations of those around me, quite the contrary. I accept that they are not able to give me whatever silly little fantasy I might think I want, and by worrying about something so insignificant, I am missing out on enjoying what we do have and can share together. So far I am enjoying myself immensely. My husband and I made a run to get the tree ourselves from our local tree farm. We went shopping for most all of the food for Christmas dinner and for over the kids’ school break. Yesterday we were able to finish up buying everything for his boys and the stockings.

While we shopped yesterday the boys and a friend of theirs put the lights up on the tree and we will decorate it later today. Then we will be able to tuck it back out of the way and put some presents out. This year we have to do some fancy packing to fool the boys who say it is too easy to guess their gifts – LOL.

The heartbreak for me today, came when I got confirmation that some Grinch has stolen my package right off my front porch. My son’s Christmas gift which is 38″ BLACK Acoustic Guitar Starter Package (Guitar, Gig Bag, Strap, Pick, eBook) plus my step-son’s girlfriend was going to start his lessons over break – she wants to be a music teacher and a student on her resume couldn’t hurt ;p. He will not receive the replacement until Wednesday after Christmas. Amazon refunded our money and had me reorder it then went in behind me and changed it to one day. Well no one delivers on the weekends anymore and Monday is a holiday so there ya go; Wednesday. And my daughter can’t use her present till then either because the battery we replaced, that got stolen from her DS i, will not be here till after either *sigh* I suppose I should be grateful that they are having Christmas after all with such a bleak outlook as things were a week ago.

So what you ask is my ideal Christmas? Well parts of it I have. A stroll through the Christmas tree farm with my family/husband to choose a tree – most every year. Decorating it together.Choosing gifts for those we love, wrapping them after the kids go to bed. Setting up everything for the morning chaos. Cooking fabulous food to share and the yummy leftovers. Long EQ games with him and his boys. Movies and sometimes video games.

I want to FEEL it. Hot cocoa, lights around the fireplace, a fire, playing board games and/or cards together, waiting for Santa, music, food, stockings hung. Stringing popcorn for the tree. Caroling. Just being together with the spirit of the season – not going to separate corners of the house. These loving memories that usually draw a family together are lacking the depth of emotion that this blended family just doesn’t seem to hold, hard as I wish or try. We are estranged from our respective families as well and his kids don’t really have anyone that cares enough to send them gifts from their family. My kids have my mother and my ex’s parents as well, who are very good to them. Their Tante Kate is sending a special gift as well this year. I will be honest, it understandably causes some tension.

I miss sharing these moments with my sisters and my nieces and nephews and it hurts the worst at these special holidays. I miss friends and the ability to go visit and spend holidays with them. I’ve always wanted to be able to have big holidays where friends and family came to spend it here. I read the updates and I get so envious of all those whose lives are full of these things. (Though I wouldn’t change my life – ya know what I mean) I feel lonely and rootless this time of year. I know it is stupid, and I know there are many who are worse off, who am I to hold a pathetic pity party? I am human though, and compassionate enough to not ruin it for everyone else around me. Though I admit my mood could use a tune-up.

I know my kids miss that same intangible thing I do, they can’t describe it, but I’ve seen the look in their eyes. They just want to have that magical holiday feeling too. It is hard to light it and keep it alive for them when I struggle to feel it for myself. I just want to capture that magic for us all……

Magic of Christmas

 

Um, I missed this chapter in Parenting 101

.............did I get it all?

Oh Lordy, you can’t make this shit up!! I swear to you.It was a ‘no shit, there I was’ kind of moment.

I admit to being a complete and utter germaphobe when it comes to public bathrooms. Among the worst rank bars, airports, gas stations and stadium bathrooms.

please let there be covers.....

Last night was our first ‘real’ home game and it just so happened we were playing our old rivals the Chargers. They have had a terrible run (13 losses in a row) and last nights astounding win by our Wildcats 46-14 was worth what we went through to see it occur. In the first three minutes of the game we scored 14 points in 7 plays unopposed. And then it happened. Huge bolts of air to ground lightning and the TSSAA rules had both teams scurrying for the locker rooms. A lot of fans headed under the bleachers and a friendly neighbor lent my husband and I a small umbrella to use. Contrary to my weather channel app on my BB – durn thing lied, it was supposed to pass quickly and looked relatively small. We got poured on for an hour and fifteen minutes. There was no helping it. If you stuck it out, you got soaked. My right side as well as (thanks to the runoff) my rear end were soaked. I thought I’d be smart and wear these comfy cotton pants and rolled the cuffs up to wear with the red Wildcat shirts. Pain is temporary – Pride is forever!! Wildcat Pride :)

After things finally started to clear up, and the required time had passed both teams came back out to start playing. Nope, they don’t call the game for anything – other than lightning breaks lol. Our boys are born mudders though. They remained unchallenged until the coach sent in the JV. He believe in giving them the experience verses ramming an obvious slaughter down the other team’s throats. That’s just how we roll here.

Finally fed up with just not ‘feeling it’ I slogged my way to the bathrooms with Alex in tow. Now come on ladies, let me hear ya! What is the first thing we do? Yep, cover the toilet with the toilet paper barrier or put down the seat covers provided (if you’re lucky). So Alex goes first and has a smidge of trouble with the tp sticking since she was kinda wet. We use the handicapped stall since she still doesn’t feel comfortable going herself in extremely public places..I helped her get situated and it wasn’t but a small blip of trouble.

So my turn, again the tp ring and I peel off my layer to sit not even thinking. So the tp promptly adheres to my rear end and thighs, because my skin is wet and when I stand up, they stay attached. Now stop laughing damn it……..wipe your eyes so you can read the rest, it gets worse………or better depending on which side of this story you are on. I valiantly try to peel the damn treacherous 1/2 ply cheap toilet paper they always seem to have, off of my skin but it was glued on. You know, the kind where you have to worry whether or not your finger might accidentally slip through…well this is another side effect of the tissue paper thin toilet paper they provide.

So this tissue paper thin stuff is hard as hell to peel off and when my daughter leans over and starts pragmatically peeling off pieces then further humiliates me by saying matter of factly, you missed some more mom. O…M…G!! I frantically start rubbing at it, trying to get it off and keep trying to refrain from ‘making it a big deal’ by succumbing to the temptation to swat her hand away. After all, she was just trying to help. Lord, if you could please make THIS one of the childhood memories she forgets, I would really appreciate it.

.............did I get it all?

Just when I couldn’t feel more embare-rassed I turn my rear to her and say, did I get it all. I wanted to die on the spot from either shame or hysterical laughter, I couldn’t decide. Though now I can hardly quit laughing long enough to type this out. She leans over to pull another strip off the other side. ARG, please let this be over with quickly!!! Finally when I could feel no more obvious tp remnants I yanked up my pants and said lets go, knowing the first thing I would do when I got home was check it out, dry off and put on something warm to help me get over the trauma………. LOL

Needless to say I spent the next 15 minutes under the hand dryer, drying myself out a bit. She tried to do the same and her petite size kept her from getting close enough to dry much but her hair and shoulders. Though she kept an exaggerated hop up attempting it anyways.

I see my moment and totally exact my revenge. I calmly point to the other end of the bathroom where the hand dryer is about 4 inches from the sink edge and say “Why don’t you sit on the edge and dry yourself with that one”. She took one look at me over her shoulder through narrowed eyes and her expression clearly said “fuck you very much mom” and I laughed some more as she dried herself off. I even sucked it up enough to amuse her with an exaggerated booty shake under the dryer. While the bathroom was totally empty of course………..I’m not that stupid. LOL ;-P

So I don’t know whether to chalk this up as a fond memory or hope like hell if I’m old and not capable of taking care of myself, my daughter won’t be wiping my bum and thinking back to that day when she was 8 and had to help her mom peel toilet paper off her ass? Great, and my ‘walking recorder’ just HAD to be the one witness……oh wait I guess now all of you know now too. :p

“The tragedy of life is what dies inside a man while he lives.”

Our desires always disappoint us; for though we meet with something that gives us satisfaction, yet it never thoroughly answers our expectation.
~Elbert Hubbard

I have never been the type to sit dreaming of some fairytale ending. I am a dreamer, but also a cynic; which in and of itself is an oddity.  The title is from one of my quotes, Albert Schweitzer says it best. It has a nice macabre sound doesn’t it? Hooray we can all be martyrs now right? Life is one great big Greek Tragedy or a cosmic joke if you prefer. I know it sounds like I have no faith at all but I really do believe in God. I just think his sense of timing and humor leaves something to be desired at times. Honestly, I’m kinda pissed at him right now, I told him I couldn’t handle anything else and lo and behold a 2 ton load was laid in my lap. I’m cracking and the whole God never gives you anymore than you can handle isn’t holding water at the moment. I think at this point I have earned the right to a little resentment. I also believe that he understands when we get that way and doesn’t judge us or hold it against us, that is the whole grace thing. At some point I always come to the end, understanding where and why and maybe even appreciating the complexities of how our prayers, hope or dreams are answered; but the getting there SUCKS!!

We women are put into ‘competition’ almost from birth. We are barraged with visual, written and spoken evidence of our flaws and inadequacies. It is difficult to form genuine friendships with other women because secretly someone is usually comparing or competing and you don’t know who you can trust when your back is turned. There was a time when it wasn’t that way, but I know among my group of friends there are a lot of us that say the same thing; I don’t have a lot of female friends because I don’t like the catty BS. So we don’t play games and are able to relate in an open and supportive way to one another. Birds of a feather and all that jazz….

People hold themselves back from one another in defense and protection. It’s a cruel and harsh world out there. It almost becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy of doubt and failing. The hardest thing is sticking to what you believe is true and honest while still being able to assess whether or not it is something that requires a shift in those same beliefs. How do you filter the voices? Every time you let someone sway you from what your core beliefs are, a little piece of who you are dies. How do you stop placing your faith in others and take the reins back yourself?

The insecurities rear their heads in our friendships, relationships, jobs, homes and even in our parenting. We doubt ourselves, we question ourselves, we accept blame for things we have no control of. When my own strength fails me, I know I can count on someone always being there. I feel an odd emptiness right now though. One that dries up my words as well as my desire to do anything about what is going on. Yep, good ol depression is setting in. Yet deep within my soul that voice still whispers words of strength and wisdom to me, though I might sit in my anger trying not to hear.

He makes my feet like the feet of deer, And sets me on my high places.

The voice says to me: Listen well my child

He sent from above, He took me;
He drew me out of many waters.
He delivered me from my strong enemy,
From those who hated me,
For they were too strong for me.
They confronted me in the day of my calamity,
But the Lord was my support.
He also brought me out into a broad place;

 

 

 

Sometimes, I even resent that little voice. Because if I could pretend for just ONE moment that I was a person lacking any depth, it wouldn’t hurt so badly. It brings me back to the here and now and I just want the voice to go away and leave me in my misery. Is it really too much to ask that I not be a warrior for one day? Why don’t I get to enjoy being a newlywed?

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

I may not see it or even feel it right now, but I will come through this. I just don’t know how right now, LOL.