Menu

Find that elusive post….

Looking Back

Grab your Fan Badge

Just An Ordinary Girl
Hell on Wheels @ OrdinaryGirl
<div align="center"><a href="http://pricesec.com/ordinarygirl" title="Hell on Wheels @ OrdinaryGirl"><img src="http://pricesec.com/ordinarygirl/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/Hell-on-Wheels-copy.jpg" alt="Hell on Wheels @ OrdinaryGirl" style="border:none;" /></a></div>
Walking My Talk @ JAOG
<div align="center"><a href="http://pricesec.com/ordinarygirl" title="Walking My Talk @ JAOG"><img src="http://pricesec.com/ordinarygirl/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/walking-my-talk-at-JAOG-badge.jpg" alt="Walking My Talk @ JAOG" style="border:none;" /></a></div>

Google Connections

My not-so-ordinary Posse

The Seaman Mom

mondaymingle

Craft DIY Ideas

fw

The Bipolar Diva

Evil Joy Speaks

The Farm Girl Recipes

Craft DIY Ideas

Scary Mommy

© 2012 Firstyme - All rights reserved.

Firstyme WordPress Theme.
Designed by Charlie Asemota.

“The tragedy of life is what dies inside a man while he lives.”

Our desires always disappoint us; for though we meet with something that gives us satisfaction, yet it never thoroughly answers our expectation.
~Elbert Hubbard

I have never been the type to sit dreaming of some fairytale ending. I am a dreamer, but also a cynic; which in and of itself is an oddity.  The title is from one of my quotes, Albert Schweitzer says it best. It has a nice macabre sound doesn’t it? Hooray we can all be martyrs now right? Life is one great big Greek Tragedy or a cosmic joke if you prefer. I know it sounds like I have no faith at all but I really do believe in God. I just think his sense of timing and humor leaves something to be desired at times. Honestly, I’m kinda pissed at him right now, I told him I couldn’t handle anything else and lo and behold a 2 ton load was laid in my lap. I’m cracking and the whole God never gives you anymore than you can handle isn’t holding water at the moment. I think at this point I have earned the right to a little resentment. I also believe that he understands when we get that way and doesn’t judge us or hold it against us, that is the whole grace thing. At some point I always come to the end, understanding where and why and maybe even appreciating the complexities of how our prayers, hope or dreams are answered; but the getting there SUCKS!!

We women are put into ‘competition’ almost from birth. We are barraged with visual, written and spoken evidence of our flaws and inadequacies. It is difficult to form genuine friendships with other women because secretly someone is usually comparing or competing and you don’t know who you can trust when your back is turned. There was a time when it wasn’t that way, but I know among my group of friends there are a lot of us that say the same thing; I don’t have a lot of female friends because I don’t like the catty BS. So we don’t play games and are able to relate in an open and supportive way to one another. Birds of a feather and all that jazz….

People hold themselves back from one another in defense and protection. It’s a cruel and harsh world out there. It almost becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy of doubt and failing. The hardest thing is sticking to what you believe is true and honest while still being able to assess whether or not it is something that requires a shift in those same beliefs. How do you filter the voices? Every time you let someone sway you from what your core beliefs are, a little piece of who you are dies. How do you stop placing your faith in others and take the reins back yourself?

The insecurities rear their heads in our friendships, relationships, jobs, homes and even in our parenting. We doubt ourselves, we question ourselves, we accept blame for things we have no control of. When my own strength fails me, I know I can count on someone always being there. I feel an odd emptiness right now though. One that dries up my words as well as my desire to do anything about what is going on. Yep, good ol depression is setting in. Yet deep within my soul that voice still whispers words of strength and wisdom to me, though I might sit in my anger trying not to hear.

He makes my feet like the feet of deer, And sets me on my high places.

The voice says to me: Listen well my child

He sent from above, He took me;
He drew me out of many waters.
He delivered me from my strong enemy,
From those who hated me,
For they were too strong for me.
They confronted me in the day of my calamity,
But the Lord was my support.
He also brought me out into a broad place;

 

 

 

Sometimes, I even resent that little voice. Because if I could pretend for just ONE moment that I was a person lacking any depth, it wouldn’t hurt so badly. It brings me back to the here and now and I just want the voice to go away and leave me in my misery. Is it really too much to ask that I not be a warrior for one day? Why don’t I get to enjoy being a newlywed?

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

I may not see it or even feel it right now, but I will come through this. I just don’t know how right now, LOL.

 

Sunday Reflections ~ To Each of Us A Path

It has been my great pleasure to connect with some extremely good blogs. I have been letting the nudges in my heart tell me which ones.  In doings so, after the storm and all the damage, I came across this blog: Sleeping Through the Storm . I was struck deeply by something she wrote and she has graciously given me permission to share with you  my friends. Directly quoted from her post (please go and check out her blog. She had a striking way of writing.)

“I know I have areas in which I need to improve, habits I want to correct so that I’ll leave this Earth with no regrets. But I also believe that when I leave this world, I’ll enter another where I’ll meet my God. And when I see Him face-to-face, I will tell Him, “I tried to prepare, but I have done nothing that can make me worthy to enter into your presence, nothing except for one preparation–to love your Son who thought me worthy to die in my place.”

We all face the same end. The end of the story is not a surprise–it’s just the journey that’s different for all of us. So are you prepared? Do you know what you believe? And if not, when do you plan to prepare? The storm is coming while you sleep, and there is no guarantee that there will be time to get ready when you wake up.”

I had tried to ignore the voice in my heart. Her post and perspective pushed a beam of light directly into that shadowy place. These are my thoughts after pondering deeply what these words had to teach me. For the whisper had spoken in a loud, firm voice. A voice I could no longer ignore. I have to know where I stand.

Life has taught me lately that it exists in an extremely fragile state. We always remain but a breathe away from sinking into the depths of the unknown. Or being swept away by the tide.
I don’t really spend a lot of time talking about my personal beliefs. Not because I don’t feel strongly about them, or because I don’t have them or understand them. But because I grew up where it was kind of just how it was. We didn’t question and it was just what we learned. I guess when I was a teenager, I really resented it – later I went seeking for the answers myself. Often I find myself once again going back over what I have learned and prodding at what my beliefs are and where they stand in relation to where the world is headed right now.
It seems like there are so many terrible things that are occurring at once, that are of a magnitude we haven’t seen before. I’m not spouting any specific ‘end time’ theory in particular, but I feel something stirring. Lots of people are struggling. Times are hard and money is tight. It adds extra stresses to the ones we already carry  daily. Each day I try to figure out where I fit into the grand scheme of things and where my journey may ultimately lead. I don’t want to talk specific politics or anything like that, but we are in three different wars right now; under a president who was given a Nobel Peace Prize for absolutely nothing. And he bypassed Congress and got us involved in a ‘kinetic military action’, whatever that euphemism is supposed to mean. As our gas prices rise, the American people are pinched unmercifully; while we send millions to Brazil for offshore drilling. Wait, what? Why aren’t we doing this for our country?
All that has transpired in the world, including the Royal Wedding – which seems to have inspired the British as well as the world in general, as a welcome breathe of fresh air. It is very reminiscent of his mother Dianna. Then to be so close to the devastation that occurred during the storms recently, it leaves you wanting to make those connections, to refresh the ties that root us in our lives. Whatever those beliefs are because no matter what, each of us has a different interpretation because we are each unique.
I haven’t actively been part of a church since I left Kansas in 2006. I have missed it once or twice and sometimes with a deep ache that surprises me. I have a close walk that is based in Christianity. My family has been generations of Christians – Catholics and my Grandfather instilled a faith in his children which they in turn passed on to us. Even though I stepped away and back in a different light I feel as though I have traveled the path intended. Because some of my deepest understandings have come from my mistakes.
Try as I might to deny it at times I am a person of deep reflection. I always have been. Sensitive to things that may exist beyond our understanding and in my own private way I have a serious and deep faith. It has changed and morphed and grown since I was young, since I was in my 20’s even. Each layer of truth revealed by the fires that change us, teaches us more, expands our view more. Allows us to lead richer lives.
I believe that at the end of our time on this earth, we will be responsible for an accounting of our lives. Each choice, each action, each hidden truth. I find myself seeking the answer to the question, “What will I say, when asked?”. For every hidden place will be seen, every shadow banished and every door we lock tight thrown wide open for inspection. Yep, it makes me as uncomfortable as you are thinking about that right now…… In light of the disaster I find myself asking if I would be ready right now, and if not, why?
We each need to choose where that truth lies. I try to be open to God no matter what guise he might appear in, or where it may happen. In keeping the gates open, I allow more to pass into my life that can teach and strengthen me. What do you believe? Where is your truth? Even the lack of choice is a decision about where you stand. If the floodgates opened and you were faced with the wall of water rushing at you, what would you tell yourself in those last moments? Where would your regrets lie?
It can happen in the blink of an eye, will you be ready? Sometimes on my journey I feel certain, sometimes I know I’m not as ready as I should be.
I’d love to hear your thoughts about this my friends. Until we see each other again; stay safe and be blessed my friends.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. ~Isaiah 43:2~

~It only takes a small spark to ignite a wildfire~

It only takes the tiniest flicker to start a raging inferno again, even if the embers were so dim they could barely be seen. It is there, inside each one of us. Sometimes life hides it from us, sometimes we hide it from ourselves, but it is always there, dormant, just waiting to be revived.

One of my favorite quotes says it best: “Sometimes our light goes out but is blown into flame by another human being. Each of us owes deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this light.”
~Albert Schweitzer

It is human nature to hope, to dream. When that dies something integral to your being is lost. We have forgotten and put aside the fire of our youth, settled into life as we know it now. Citizens, parents, adults and children; there is work to do, chores to take care of and errands to run. We all share the same paths though the destination is different. Some paths cross for a brief moment and others meander deep into the wilderness to give you time and space to figure out your life. People will come and go like the tide and occasionally you will find a gem among the sand as the waves wash away other tracks.

There is a coolness as you dive through the depths – we stop and hover because it feels good. You cannot hover forever in that space between the surface and the depths; you must push forward into the darkness, do not lose hope. For though we cannot see it at the moment, the light still exists. Suddenly, as if it had never been cold and dark, it springs up and encircles us. Yes it hurts at first, for when you go through the fires of life, you are being refined. The burning off of impurities is the only way to become more. If you hang onto those flaws or excuses they will ever be the card you play anytime you are confronted with stepping outside of your zone of comfort. An altogether too familiar habit for a lot of people, including myself if I’m to be perfectly honest.

We fear the burning. We burn, we burned, and we will burn again. Yes there are good fires.Often fire disposes of accumulated debris, enriching the soil by speeding nutrient recycling or retarding the growth of shrubs and grasses that would otherwise crowd out recently planted seedlings. Some of them burn deeper leaving behind blackened husks. The risk of personal ‘errosion’ is the same as the land when a severe burning has happened. It is not a time to mourn, but rather a time to begin planting anew, so that we do not fall to the first storm to come our way.

Now with all that said it is a brutal process, you feel lost, helpless off balance. These are our times of greatest struggle and greatest fear. But it isn’t brave if you aren’t scared right? That is when you must grasp ahold of the flaming spear and thrust it deep into the wound to be cauterized. Are you strong enough?

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

~Dune – Frank Herbert~

We let these fears keep us from cleansing the wound, from replanting after the damage is done. Why do we do this? We let ourselves be immobilized. Frozen and staring as we are burned into cinders. Now is the time, here is the place to stand back up on your feet again and start walking. You will only see destruction if you look at the surface – which is where the fear exists. Take a breath, let go and take the plunge today. Step out of your comfort zone, change the world, do something new; lets set this world on FIRE!!!