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Sending Heaven A Message ~ Too Much Sadness Today

Today is Father’s Day and for some of us, it is a hard day. We don’t have fathers who are with us, for whatever that reason may be. My father has passed and I have friends and family who will have a hard time today as well because they are missing their fathers too.

dear father

…..however mine is colored with regret for not ever having a real father in my life. I’m sure some of you can share that feeling as well.

I started the weird tradition in my family (when I became a single parent myself and understood all that my mother had to deal with) of calling her and wishing her a Happy Father’s Day. By then I knew what it took to be both parents to my two children. I have a son and a daughter so I see the need from both sides for a father in a child’s life.

I figured if she did the job of both, shouldn’t she get the credit too? When my sisters wound up in the same boat, they, as well as any of my single parent friends also get my calls/text/wishes on those holidays.And yes, I do wish my single father’s a Happy Mother’s Day as well. I simply admire anyone who takes a stacked deck and actually parents with it.

 

I try to focus on this day on the fact that I have a wonderful man in my children’s lives and that they won’t miss out on having someone in their lives like I did. But on this day they also hurt because they remember their dad isn’t here. My son because he remembers, my daughter because she can’t.

My husband went to town yesterday to run errands for guy stuff like Tractor Supply for dog food and parts for our John Deere Mower you know, guys junk. And my son went along for the ride. I’ll tell ya, he came back feeling 10ft tall because he got to go. My husband is no slouch when it comes to parenting. When he married his ex she had two kids, then they had three and when we got married I had two. So in all, he has been through 7 kids. I think he may have picked up a tip or two.

He has been there for everything over the last 7 years. He was there when my daughter got potty trained, when my son rode his first two-wheeled bike and then my daughter as well. He has been there through all the bad stuff too, like the day we almost lost two of our kids to a wicked car accident or the day we had to tell mine their daddy was gone. He was there, being a rock, a great man, a great father, a best friend. He will be there for their future things like graduation, getting married, having children; and I think that I couldn’t have asked for a better person in their lives. eternal calling

Today my heart breaks for OrdinaryDad. He is feeling it especially hard after Mr. BBP paid him and unpleasant visit. The little shitbird came up, dropped off the money for this phone – two days late ($60/mo), took the rest of his stuff, lipped off to his dad, accused him of kicking him out (still not admitting to the failing college and taking off and lying), tried to take his dog down to the neighbor’s house (and accused me of potentially doing something to her), lipped off some more, said he didn’t care about lying and using our client to do so, fucker actually shrugged. Funny thing is that he and I barely fought compared to his twin and when his twin left he bailed on HIS dog too and Chaos is thriving. Hell Sable sleeps with US now at night. She hasn’t really acted as bad as we thought she might.

On his way out the door I said “Nice Father’s Day, asshole”.  and he turned around and told me to go fuck myself which it totally fine, I laughed in his face. Then he proceeded to lip off some more to his dad on the front porch while OD had to make sure he didn’t steal Sable. Keeps saying it doesn’t matter, that he “can’t afford school” even though he is/was getting way more money this coming semester than he had first round. There is something seriously wrong with that boy. He has finally snapped like we worried he would, and it is just as ugly as we thought. He didn’t even try to come up here nice, he hit the door with a bad attitude. He was looking for a fight.

OD had to tell him he wasn’t taking the dog anywhere until he could prove he had a place to live with him and her. Claims he is finding something in town that will allow a pet….really? Umm I have looked for places to live many, many times in my life and good luck finding something. You really have no clue. And if you do, the deposit is a nice chunk of change.

My husband’s heart leapt in his chest when Mr. BBP sent the Happy Father’s Day text and asked if he could come up. He was so excited to hear from and get to see one of his boys today and now he is broken hearted again and I am angry on his behalf. But he will sit there bleeding from his wounds, drop by drop and just keep taking the slashes. He doesn’t stand up for himself let alone lash out and I’m curious if I will feel the same way if my kids act like jerks when they get older. Because I say right now I don’t care who you are, you are expected to treat me with the same respect I give you, and for that matter, if you push too hard, expect me to push back period.

This sucks so hard because I can’t help him other than be there to hold him together when he falls apart and yes he cries, I can only imagine how it hurts him to see what all the scars they carried have done to them and their choices. It hurts to watch a son have it all and let it go and to not even have the courtesy of giving his dad an explanation to understand it all. It hurts him to watch them live a lie and believe that lie and use that lie as a weapon against him. But he loves them enough to take it, he loves them enough to leave the door open, he loves them enough to love them even when they throw it in his face and I can’t help but admire him for it.

This is an exceptional man, and I am honored to share his life. Please send your thoughts and prayers to him. I’ll stand strong while he can’t because he never fails to stand strong for his family.

Appreciate what you have my friends. Please tell your loved ones how you feel and don’t let petty things stand in the way. Some day you might look back and it will be too late.

Until next time my friends, stay safe and be blessed.

to have a child

“The tragedy of life is what dies inside a man while he lives.”

Our desires always disappoint us; for though we meet with something that gives us satisfaction, yet it never thoroughly answers our expectation.
~Elbert Hubbard

I have never been the type to sit dreaming of some fairytale ending. I am a dreamer, but also a cynic; which in and of itself is an oddity.  The title is from one of my quotes, Albert Schweitzer says it best. It has a nice macabre sound doesn’t it? Hooray we can all be martyrs now right? Life is one great big Greek Tragedy or a cosmic joke if you prefer. I know it sounds like I have no faith at all but I really do believe in God. I just think his sense of timing and humor leaves something to be desired at times. Honestly, I’m kinda pissed at him right now, I told him I couldn’t handle anything else and lo and behold a 2 ton load was laid in my lap. I’m cracking and the whole God never gives you anymore than you can handle isn’t holding water at the moment. I think at this point I have earned the right to a little resentment. I also believe that he understands when we get that way and doesn’t judge us or hold it against us, that is the whole grace thing. At some point I always come to the end, understanding where and why and maybe even appreciating the complexities of how our prayers, hope or dreams are answered; but the getting there SUCKS!!

We women are put into ‘competition’ almost from birth. We are barraged with visual, written and spoken evidence of our flaws and inadequacies. It is difficult to form genuine friendships with other women because secretly someone is usually comparing or competing and you don’t know who you can trust when your back is turned. There was a time when it wasn’t that way, but I know among my group of friends there are a lot of us that say the same thing; I don’t have a lot of female friends because I don’t like the catty BS. So we don’t play games and are able to relate in an open and supportive way to one another. Birds of a feather and all that jazz….

People hold themselves back from one another in defense and protection. It’s a cruel and harsh world out there. It almost becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy of doubt and failing. The hardest thing is sticking to what you believe is true and honest while still being able to assess whether or not it is something that requires a shift in those same beliefs. How do you filter the voices? Every time you let someone sway you from what your core beliefs are, a little piece of who you are dies. How do you stop placing your faith in others and take the reins back yourself?

The insecurities rear their heads in our friendships, relationships, jobs, homes and even in our parenting. We doubt ourselves, we question ourselves, we accept blame for things we have no control of. When my own strength fails me, I know I can count on someone always being there. I feel an odd emptiness right now though. One that dries up my words as well as my desire to do anything about what is going on. Yep, good ol depression is setting in. Yet deep within my soul that voice still whispers words of strength and wisdom to me, though I might sit in my anger trying not to hear.

He makes my feet like the feet of deer, And sets me on my high places.

The voice says to me: Listen well my child

He sent from above, He took me;
He drew me out of many waters.
He delivered me from my strong enemy,
From those who hated me,
For they were too strong for me.
They confronted me in the day of my calamity,
But the Lord was my support.
He also brought me out into a broad place;

 

 

 

Sometimes, I even resent that little voice. Because if I could pretend for just ONE moment that I was a person lacking any depth, it wouldn’t hurt so badly. It brings me back to the here and now and I just want the voice to go away and leave me in my misery. Is it really too much to ask that I not be a warrior for one day? Why don’t I get to enjoy being a newlywed?

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

I may not see it or even feel it right now, but I will come through this. I just don’t know how right now, LOL.

 

Before I Was A Mom… Happy Mother’s Day

Before I was a Mom,
I never tripped over toys

or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn’t worry whether or not
my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom,

I had never been puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind
and my thoughts.
I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom,

I never held down a screaming child
so doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night
watching a baby sleep

  
Before I was a Mom,

I never held a sleeping baby just because
I didn’t want to put her down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces
when I couldn’t stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small
could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much. I never knew I would love being a Mom.

  
Before I was a Mom,

I didn’t know the feeling of
having my heart outside my body..
I didn’t know how special it could feel
to feed a hungry baby.
I didn’t know that bond
between a mother and her child.
I didn’t know that something so small
could make me feel so important and happy.

Before I was a Mom,

I had never gotten up in the middle of the night
every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn’t know I was capable of feeling so much,
before I was a Mom

Happy Mother’s Day!!
Link this to someone who you think is an awesome Mom.

Sunday Reflections ~ To Each of Us A Path

It has been my great pleasure to connect with some extremely good blogs. I have been letting the nudges in my heart tell me which ones.  In doings so, after the storm and all the damage, I came across this blog: Sleeping Through the Storm . I was struck deeply by something she wrote and she has graciously given me permission to share with you  my friends. Directly quoted from her post (please go and check out her blog. She had a striking way of writing.)

“I know I have areas in which I need to improve, habits I want to correct so that I’ll leave this Earth with no regrets. But I also believe that when I leave this world, I’ll enter another where I’ll meet my God. And when I see Him face-to-face, I will tell Him, “I tried to prepare, but I have done nothing that can make me worthy to enter into your presence, nothing except for one preparation–to love your Son who thought me worthy to die in my place.”

We all face the same end. The end of the story is not a surprise–it’s just the journey that’s different for all of us. So are you prepared? Do you know what you believe? And if not, when do you plan to prepare? The storm is coming while you sleep, and there is no guarantee that there will be time to get ready when you wake up.”

I had tried to ignore the voice in my heart. Her post and perspective pushed a beam of light directly into that shadowy place. These are my thoughts after pondering deeply what these words had to teach me. For the whisper had spoken in a loud, firm voice. A voice I could no longer ignore. I have to know where I stand.

Life has taught me lately that it exists in an extremely fragile state. We always remain but a breathe away from sinking into the depths of the unknown. Or being swept away by the tide.
I don’t really spend a lot of time talking about my personal beliefs. Not because I don’t feel strongly about them, or because I don’t have them or understand them. But because I grew up where it was kind of just how it was. We didn’t question and it was just what we learned. I guess when I was a teenager, I really resented it – later I went seeking for the answers myself. Often I find myself once again going back over what I have learned and prodding at what my beliefs are and where they stand in relation to where the world is headed right now.
It seems like there are so many terrible things that are occurring at once, that are of a magnitude we haven’t seen before. I’m not spouting any specific ‘end time’ theory in particular, but I feel something stirring. Lots of people are struggling. Times are hard and money is tight. It adds extra stresses to the ones we already carry  daily. Each day I try to figure out where I fit into the grand scheme of things and where my journey may ultimately lead. I don’t want to talk specific politics or anything like that, but we are in three different wars right now; under a president who was given a Nobel Peace Prize for absolutely nothing. And he bypassed Congress and got us involved in a ‘kinetic military action’, whatever that euphemism is supposed to mean. As our gas prices rise, the American people are pinched unmercifully; while we send millions to Brazil for offshore drilling. Wait, what? Why aren’t we doing this for our country?
All that has transpired in the world, including the Royal Wedding – which seems to have inspired the British as well as the world in general, as a welcome breathe of fresh air. It is very reminiscent of his mother Dianna. Then to be so close to the devastation that occurred during the storms recently, it leaves you wanting to make those connections, to refresh the ties that root us in our lives. Whatever those beliefs are because no matter what, each of us has a different interpretation because we are each unique.
I haven’t actively been part of a church since I left Kansas in 2006. I have missed it once or twice and sometimes with a deep ache that surprises me. I have a close walk that is based in Christianity. My family has been generations of Christians – Catholics and my Grandfather instilled a faith in his children which they in turn passed on to us. Even though I stepped away and back in a different light I feel as though I have traveled the path intended. Because some of my deepest understandings have come from my mistakes.
Try as I might to deny it at times I am a person of deep reflection. I always have been. Sensitive to things that may exist beyond our understanding and in my own private way I have a serious and deep faith. It has changed and morphed and grown since I was young, since I was in my 20’s even. Each layer of truth revealed by the fires that change us, teaches us more, expands our view more. Allows us to lead richer lives.
I believe that at the end of our time on this earth, we will be responsible for an accounting of our lives. Each choice, each action, each hidden truth. I find myself seeking the answer to the question, “What will I say, when asked?”. For every hidden place will be seen, every shadow banished and every door we lock tight thrown wide open for inspection. Yep, it makes me as uncomfortable as you are thinking about that right now…… In light of the disaster I find myself asking if I would be ready right now, and if not, why?
We each need to choose where that truth lies. I try to be open to God no matter what guise he might appear in, or where it may happen. In keeping the gates open, I allow more to pass into my life that can teach and strengthen me. What do you believe? Where is your truth? Even the lack of choice is a decision about where you stand. If the floodgates opened and you were faced with the wall of water rushing at you, what would you tell yourself in those last moments? Where would your regrets lie?
It can happen in the blink of an eye, will you be ready? Sometimes on my journey I feel certain, sometimes I know I’m not as ready as I should be.
I’d love to hear your thoughts about this my friends. Until we see each other again; stay safe and be blessed my friends.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. ~Isaiah 43:2~

This Isn’t Parenting…….This is Trench Warfare

If you get the chance to be on the sidelines during any of these battles, pay attention it could be fun. No seriously!!  Tonight it was my great pleasure to sit sideline and watch my husband hoist his son with his own petard :p.

One of the twins had been watching videos on YouTube. Anyone who is on satellite will have just groaned out loud after hearing that……the other half – it sucks up so much of your allowance that your internet will come to a snails crawl if not a screeching halt. So we are down to 33% and he passes along a video link and gets bawled out by his dad for the level. C tells me in private that the video link is so funny, that when his dad watched it, it would be totally worth it. So fast forward, we watch the clip and it is so freaking funny!!!!

They page us using our telephones and he ends up on the phone with his dad. He asks if he watched it and when my husband says of course I did. C immediately counters with well you don’t watch half the stuff I send you. And my husband calmly responds “Yes, I do watch half of what you send”. Caught in his own net, C tried to recover with a comment along the lines of you know what I mean. Again my husband as innocent as a baby says “Isn’t that what you just said”……

They use the technical foul card on us all the time and when C was neatly tucked into the corner, my husband whipped out the card in return and gave him a good dose of his own. Man, sometimes it is good to be King. LOL