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Wild & Wonderful Days

randomness weekend

So my husband’s loser brother called us last night (hubby figures he was drunk). Keep in mind D is the only one that has lived near his father and taken care of him his whole life. His brother & sister moved to Hawaii and they live together with her husband. So Sean calls last night saying he is in town, gong to be next door with those crazy neighbors that have been causing us issues, (click here to see parts 1, 2 & 3) and he is wanting to ‘kick Dennis’ ass’ when he is here today. When my hubby hangs up on him, brother then proceeds to text some nasty little messages calling him out. We blew him off laughing, because we knew nothing would happen. Sean is all talk, no action.

We spent the morning doing our yard work despite it and happened to be fixing our roof leak when the brother and my hubby’s dad showed up at the neighbors. Sure enough, little sissy la la didn’t even look our way.

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On a brighter note, the chickens are 5 weeks old which means they will be going into the chicken tractor hopefully next week. Should have enough feathers and be warm enough with a lamp out there. Still will be two weeks till they can roam in the yard under the tractor though.

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Nothing worse than worrying about a leak over your toilet, so every time you sit down you are worried the ceiling will just randomly fall………makes me feel like chicken little

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I’m thinking I deserve a guilt free nap today.

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So excited to reach 100 fans this weekend. It was an awesome gift today. I am overjoyed to see so many new faces and meet so many amazing pages. I really love that I have gone back to my roots and passion. Thanks for the inspiration guys.

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My step-son bought me the sweetest gift for Mother’s Day and my kiddos made cards – I am blessed.

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Fact of the day: 4 years ago on Mother’s Day my husband and I were still in Vegas celebrating our honeymoon.
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That has been today’s edition of randomness weekends with The Queen of WTF? Brought to you today by the letter L and the number 0

Until we meet again my friends, stay safe and be blessed.

 

It’s Been Awhile…

Well my friends, it certainly has been quite some time since I have spoken with you. I couldn’t begin to catch you up with all that has happened since my last post in 2011 – suffice to say I am an almost completely different person. Yes, I still struggle with some of the same things and have added new and subtracted old but there have been some fundamental changes in the process. Honestly I thought long and hard about whether this would ever be a safe haven again and decided that I didn’t care. Those who want to seek me out will, even if I were to try to stay under the radar. I will not run, I will not be pushed any further. I will seek peace in the place I am in. So there :p

In a nutshell life has changed dramatically. My hubby no longer speaks with two of his boys – much to our dismay. His oldest who is 21 and one of the twins (the youngest). The youngest I had such huge problems out of admitted finally that he was working to break our marriage up on purpose. Of course we didn’t find that out until my husband and I separated last year. Yes for four months I lived nearly 1,000 miles away. I caught grief leaving and I caught grief going back to work out my marriage. I’m not really sorry for any of it. It was hard to go through, but I really like some of the things that have come from the struggle. I know I appreciate things a lot more.

My kids miss their Kansas family, but they are also glad to be back and looking forward to good things, both here and visiting back there as well.

I have been really ill as well. I see a specialist February 6th and am hoping for answers. My last stint in the ER led to me being admitted to the ICU unit. The average female body holds 6-8 pints of blood – I needed two. Before I barely knew what was happening they had set me up for a blood transfusion because not only were my blood levels low, my labs came back nonexistent. No potassium, iron, calcium or lipids etc. So first they had to run straight potassium into my veins – which hurt like the dickens and once I was able to finish that off they went to work. No one knows where it went, how it happened that I was so anemic or how my health has spiraled so quickly to this dangerous place. What I do know my friends is what I haven’t said flat out till now. If I don’t get some help I will die. I am only 34 and intend to live forever so……pray for me :)

There will be more later, but for now I simply wanted to touch base, say hello and reclaim my space. Until we meet again, stay safe and be blessed.

Banjo Music In Our Own Backyard……..the Background (Part 1)

it only takes a small spark to start a wildfire.........

So, this is such a long story it may turn out to be a two/three part-er. It started years ago, and I haven’t said much if anything about it. You all know that my husband’s father hates my guts. You may not know why. You know his oldest son feels the same way, you may not know why. You all know he is completely estranged from the majority of his family….but again the whys are important. It all leads to the path we are on now and the pressing stress and fallout. Hang on for the ride of your life, I couldn’t make shit up like this if I tried.

___________________________________________________________________________________________

We flash back in time to when Dennis and I were still dating. Our first party thrown as a couple, Memorial Day I believe. We had all his friends over as well as his father, who lived right next door at the time. Yes I lived with him for a while till my apartment was ready but we lived separate until we got engaged. The old coot never came over to see us, we had to go there. He rarely had anyone but Cody over and was a butt when we used his hot tub out back. Didn’t celebrate holidays even when we lived that close. Well this particular day he did nothing to help, no big deal. Didn’t bring anything, no big deal. Refused to put his extra chairs over the fence, okay *sigh* send the boys over to get them. People start arriving, we send someone over to get him. He waits till the food is nearly ready so he doesn’t have to mingle. Walks in and starts ripping on the food. LOUDLY!! My husband was grilling burgers, chicken, hot dogs and brats. He starts on and on about how they are disgusting and look like penises on the grill. How can anyone eat those things they are obscene and disgusting and blah blah blah. I’m starting to get embarrassed and our guest are looking amused but uncomfortable. Dennis warns him he is upsetting me and he basically said he like aggravating me and continues. I finally caught him aside and hissed that he did nothing to help, sat on his butt, refused to put chairs over and that if he didn’t like what was there he could go home but he was going to stop being rude and disrespectful. That’s it folks. That moment of standing up to him pissed him off and since then all I have heard was what a bitch I am, how there is something wrong with my kids, he doesn’t want me anywhere near him, blah blah blah. He tried to talk Dennis out of marrying me and then faked it for the wedding but afterwards everything changed.

What I have done since the wedding, is stop all his using and manipulating. He would have Cody over but never the twins. Admits that he doesn’t like the twins and then amends it to he cannot handle them together, though he never wants to have Cameron. My kids aren’t allowed to call him papaw, they have to call him Alex. No acknowledgement of them at all. He would have Aley over, have him do all the honey-do’s of the house, pay him $20 bucks and complain about having to feed them. So I said okay, they aren’t his slave labor. He never comes to their football games, never comes for ANY holidays, never participates at all. Twenty wouldn’t buy him five minutes of a professional’s time so let him hire someone for that crap and if he wants to see the boys he can set something different. So now I “keep him from seeing his grandsons” as he has told anyone and everyone that will listen, and he never tries to see them or call them. I stopped him treating my husband like shit and then expecting him to jump when he wanted something. He has had Dennis under his truck after being in the hospital for hurting his back. He bought him a recliner as a gift and then made Dennis pay him back. Again, I put my foot down and told Dennis he deserved better than that. It went on till his dad sent gifts last Christmas for the twins but not for my kids. Not even directly, but through the neighbors we are having issues with (thanks to his gossip and manipulation – they talk on a weekly basis and listen to his lies). Dennis was pissed and sent them back saying if he wasn’t going to include them all then we didn’t want anything.

That is why his dad hates me. Now he is and has separated me and Dennis and the boys from the rest of the family with his lies.

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Why does his son hate me? Well back in the same days I found out that my grandfather was very sick. I was sitting on the back porch smoking a cigarette and being upset. His son Cody came back and told me that he could get me some pot. I was shocked and like WTF? Who the hell offers something like that especially to his dad’s new girlfriend? Now I had to decide what to do. What would you do? I would want someone to let me know that about my child and I don’t lie to my significant other especially. What good is a relationship without trust and honesty? So I told his dad and we set up a safe way for him to be caught. Then we confronted him. He stopped being friends with that boy, ended up having a great high school career, and was the unsung hero at his senior football banquet. He even told me that his life had turned out better for it, but he would always hate me for it and never thank me for it and I told him I was content with that. He spent the next several years undermining the family dynamic by drilling into the twins that family is blood and only blood. He manipulated things by encouraging bad behavior and then coming to be “friends” with me to help me out.

He hated the twins for taking his time from his dad and he resented me and the kids even more because we weren’t related. He tried to break us up on the sly with his little games. Oh he gave a sweet little toast on the wedding day, but he didn’t mean a word of it. While we were on our honeymoon he picked up two girls and had sex with one at the house with my kids there. I got asked questions by my son afterwards. Then on his 18th birthday a few weeks later, he tried to have me arrested. We heard (through the small town grapevine) that he was going to have a keg snuck in. We told him there better not be any alcohol because the cops would be there. Well they did end up showing up, about 5 minutes after I busted him myself. While I took the dogs inside he told them it was mine. Then he tried to say I gave them permission. I was beyond pissed but stuck up for him. Told them he was on his way to college with a football ride and even though we were having issues with him we were trying to get him straightened out. They left and when his dad grounded him for throwing me under the bus, he packed his stuff and left. He spent the next year sponging off various people, and his grandpa fed a LOT of it. He bought him a car on the sly, even though it cost $25 for him to fix his here. He gave him money and other things without telling us anything. Various friends kicked him out once he didn’t do anything but eat and sleep and jack off. So then Dennis’ father did the unthinkable. He snuck him a bus ticket to go live with his mother in Arizona. (Who by the way we won custody of all three boys from. Well she sent Cody away but we got the twins) Who does that behind a parent’s back? Cody never held a job till he was 19 and even then he works stocking shelves part-time at pet smart and joined the reserves but refuses to do anything serious with it. He just turned down special forces training. When he left here, he walked away from college starting as second-string halfback, we blew $5,000.00 plus on getting him set up at this college not to mention more than one bailout and more than one vehicle, several sets of tires. He had the money ( a secret gift from his aunt at the wedding, plus money from the Obama work program, plus from us) three times over to pay the $1,500+ needed for school and he was pissed we wouldn’t pay it. Blamed us for ruining school. The last attempt was him trying to get some stuff from the house before he left state. I told him there was nothing here that was his and he told me he would call the cops and report me for theft. I asked him who’s house was it in and told him to go ahead.

Once all the shit hit the fan with Cody and my health declined so sharply, things got worse. If you remember I am 5’10” tall and weighed 125lbs at my wedding. Well according to my F-I-L’s gossip, we are doing drugs up here, not I almost died, not the ambulance drivers and I are on a first name basis they were here so often and not I had surgery to fix it -was in the hospital for a week and now I have been healthy since. He even accused my husband of stealing his pain pills even though his dad is in early stage Alzheimer’s and can’t remember taking his meds even with someone standing there telling him he just took them. We even gave the spare key back so there was no way to enter the house and he still insisted Dennis was stealing them. Now to mention Cody was the one stealing them and selling them in the high school football locker room. How do I know this?  I woke to him several nights stealing my medications that I was taking for my stomach issues while I was sick. And several people have told me personally that he sold them in the locker room – other football kids who respect me and look up to me.

So we have just kinda been laying low, trying not to respond to their idiocy, trying not to stoop to their level. My gut told me that it would only get worse, but I hate confrontation and so I just hoped it would all eventually blow over.

Little did we know how bad it was going to get……………..to be continued.

it only takes a small spark to start a wildfire.........

Holidays………Bah Humbug!!

I'll be home for Christmas...........if only in my dreams

I'll be home for Christmas...........if only in my dreams

Holidays are always hard for me………..there! There is my deep dark confession of the day, I HATE the holidays and love them desperately at the same time. My heart yearns for the traditional perfect family holiday but reality is………life isn’t like that. This year is worse than usual, but I’m hiding it from most everyone because I need to make this holiday special for lots of reasons for the sake of others that I love more than life …..but the stress is getting to me, especially with other dark clouds that hang over our shoulders. They are important and hard to ignore but not what we should be consumed with before Christmas. Trying to make this one special. Extra so since my husbands twin boys are 17 this year and will graduate in May. One will be staying and going to college, the other has plans of his own that do not include hanging around the house for long.

It isn’t as if I have some unrealistic expectations of those around me, quite the contrary. I accept that they are not able to give me whatever silly little fantasy I might think I want, and by worrying about something so insignificant, I am missing out on enjoying what we do have and can share together. So far I am enjoying myself immensely. My husband and I made a run to get the tree ourselves from our local tree farm. We went shopping for most all of the food for Christmas dinner and for over the kids’ school break. Yesterday we were able to finish up buying everything for his boys and the stockings.

While we shopped yesterday the boys and a friend of theirs put the lights up on the tree and we will decorate it later today. Then we will be able to tuck it back out of the way and put some presents out. This year we have to do some fancy packing to fool the boys who say it is too easy to guess their gifts – LOL.

The heartbreak for me today, came when I got confirmation that some Grinch has stolen my package right off my front porch. My son’s Christmas gift which is 38″ BLACK Acoustic Guitar Starter Package (Guitar, Gig Bag, Strap, Pick, eBook) plus my step-son’s girlfriend was going to start his lessons over break – she wants to be a music teacher and a student on her resume couldn’t hurt ;p. He will not receive the replacement until Wednesday after Christmas. Amazon refunded our money and had me reorder it then went in behind me and changed it to one day. Well no one delivers on the weekends anymore and Monday is a holiday so there ya go; Wednesday. And my daughter can’t use her present till then either because the battery we replaced, that got stolen from her DS i, will not be here till after either *sigh* I suppose I should be grateful that they are having Christmas after all with such a bleak outlook as things were a week ago.

So what you ask is my ideal Christmas? Well parts of it I have. A stroll through the Christmas tree farm with my family/husband to choose a tree – most every year. Decorating it together.Choosing gifts for those we love, wrapping them after the kids go to bed. Setting up everything for the morning chaos. Cooking fabulous food to share and the yummy leftovers. Long EQ games with him and his boys. Movies and sometimes video games.

I want to FEEL it. Hot cocoa, lights around the fireplace, a fire, playing board games and/or cards together, waiting for Santa, music, food, stockings hung. Stringing popcorn for the tree. Caroling. Just being together with the spirit of the season – not going to separate corners of the house. These loving memories that usually draw a family together are lacking the depth of emotion that this blended family just doesn’t seem to hold, hard as I wish or try. We are estranged from our respective families as well and his kids don’t really have anyone that cares enough to send them gifts from their family. My kids have my mother and my ex’s parents as well, who are very good to them. Their Tante Kate is sending a special gift as well this year. I will be honest, it understandably causes some tension.

I miss sharing these moments with my sisters and my nieces and nephews and it hurts the worst at these special holidays. I miss friends and the ability to go visit and spend holidays with them. I’ve always wanted to be able to have big holidays where friends and family came to spend it here. I read the updates and I get so envious of all those whose lives are full of these things. (Though I wouldn’t change my life – ya know what I mean) I feel lonely and rootless this time of year. I know it is stupid, and I know there are many who are worse off, who am I to hold a pathetic pity party? I am human though, and compassionate enough to not ruin it for everyone else around me. Though I admit my mood could use a tune-up.

I know my kids miss that same intangible thing I do, they can’t describe it, but I’ve seen the look in their eyes. They just want to have that magical holiday feeling too. It is hard to light it and keep it alive for them when I struggle to feel it for myself. I just want to capture that magic for us all……

Magic of Christmas

 

The truth has always been there, waiting…

Joker's wild

Strange how when you come to the place you feel as though you could not be lower, you realize that is what it takes to clear your eyes and let you understand something deeper; if you let it. It is that silent sudden moment where things seem to shift and you are looking at it from a completely different perspective. Last night’s run in with my ‘step-dad’ (long story) made me think. I felt cast adrift because a lot of people who I depended on when I was young and as I grew, had in some way let me down or disappointed me in some profound way. A memory of a moments when my innocence fled and I learned things far too old for such a young girl. I raised myself ~ listening closely to the truth in my heart and in my faith (as I grew to understand it, and as it evolved over time). I learned to be a fighter, because that is what it took to take the hits. The story has been edited with what I’ve learned from the situation with her (my mom)  ex-husband. *shrug* Every experience, I’ve found can always teach you something. It is the card you are dealt and you are in control of how it is played. I’ve made my fair share of mistakes and misjudgements.

I’ve lost several people who were very close and dear to me. Some were important foundation stones in my life and some I’m afraid to admit are only fully realized and appreciated now that death has parted us. I can be incredibly insecure – yes the brash mouthy chic has a weakness. I’m terrified secretly that no one likes me because of all the rejection I have dealt with in my life. Betrayal and lies teach you not to fully trust anyone but yourself and even then you can let yourself down. I’ve hurt others by withholding certain parts of myself (not of malice but of ingrained reflexive habit). It is way too vulnerable a place to let anyone have those things. Yeah you risk getting really hurt but do you cheat yourself by doing so? Will I look back at places in my life and think if only I hadn’t been so damn stubborn. I refused to admit or see certain things about how I really feel/think about something and it directed my behavior in ways I am not proud of. Can’t change the past but am I brave enough to change the future?

There are several people who I have always felt a connection to, but was too insecure to pursue a closer friendship with, that have stepped up and profoundly changed my life. My sister Shawnee has been the yin to my yang, my calming influence, the one to keep me grounded; and yes she hates to admit – the peacekeeper. We were and remain as close as twins even if we don’t talk as much as we like. And as much as it pains both of us to raise our kids apart from one another. My cousins and I share something special that has kept the childhood memories we share and as adults, allowed us to slip comfortably into that same connection and build from it seamlessly. We also are united in grief from the loss of the gentle woman who taught us all that very lesson. I don’t know how but I am thankful for the why. I prayed for the support and acceptance without saying a word and it came when I needed it the most. I’ve missed badly the friendships I’ve left behind and been unable to remain a physical part of. I feel cheated of my ‘roots’. But I am blessed with a plethora of people who honestly care and show it. Had I not experienced the loss could I fully appreciate what I do have? Because I feel a great joy in that realization right now, even though life still pretty much sucks. And somehow life feels a little less heavy.

Perspective is a powerful thing. A tiny rudder steers the mighty ship – and so it is with how we approach a situation. It can suck but you can still power through if you set your mind to it. Cuz, let’s be honest, how far has bitching ever gotten anyone? Time to buckle down and figure it out. This is my life, this is my choice – I can choose to bitch and moan or I can choose to live it fully. Which will you choose?

Joker's wild

Until we meet again, stay safe and be blessed my friends.

 

Easier To Run

Pretending I don’t feel misplaced Is so much simpler than change .....

Pretending I don’t feel misplaced Is so much simpler than change .....

If I could change I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave I would……
If I could change I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
I would take all my shame to the grave

It is easier to run, than to stand your ground when the shit hits the fan. I think what we all really fear is the silence. Because in the silence our insecurities start speaking, they fill us with all of the worst of us. In the silence, misunderstandings are born. It is also in that silence that decision are made. Some we realize right away, and others take longer to sink into our consciousness. In this silence our fears paint pictures that might not be fully accurate; If we don’t ask or tell – then that space is filled with something else, just depends on what your specific baggage may be. We reflexively tuck our stresses and problems inside us where they are safe and yet it is the things we don’t talk about that end up killing or separating relationships. It is easier to flee, to try to leave those things behind us. To admit them takes courage, the kind of courage that I am trying to find within my own heart.

Wherever you go, there you are. No matter how fast and how far you run, you will always catch up to yourself. There is no escape from your emotions, problems or issues. You take them with you. They live in the silence, in the shadows of your heart and they stay there until you deal with them once and for all. And if you keep denying they are there, one night they will catch up to you in the dark spaces in between our conscious and unconscious mind. You fill up your days with all kinds of activity and mostly you can keep your mind out of that deep hole, but in the evening when you are laying your head down to sleep and your defenses are low, they creep around the corners and you find yourself caught up again.

There is so much that remains unsaid, unvoiced, maybe even unrealized that shapes who and what we are. The way you respond automatically to certain circumstances, the way smells or sounds can take you back in time instantaneously; there is no escape. And so rather than be buried beneath it all, you must take a deep breath and look hard at the WHY. We see the what every day, but do you know why you believe what you believe or react how you react? No? Most people don’t even realize they can change the pattern if they figure out what it is that moves them.

I heard it described once as such: those moments in time where you have been hurt, neglected or upset – you freeze and bury those moments – and yet what we don’t realize is that we freeze a piece of ourselves as well. We remain the hurt child, the confused teenager, the bitter adult that we were at the moment that incident/emotion hit us. I’m tired of leaving all this crap frozen in the glacier that surrounds my private thoughts and feelings – and yet there is no safety for me in giving anyone anything that I consider a vulnerability.

That soft spot has been taken and used by more than one person. I started slamming the door shut in people’s faces when I was hurt or wronged. I will write you out of my story quicker than you can blink. I know it isn’t right, I know it isn’t healthy but I KNOW you can’t hurt me if you don’t know. I find myself becoming more and more private with my thoughts. I don’t even talk to my ‘friends’ as much as I used to. Not because they don’t love me or care, but they have their own lives and I can’t expect anyone to wanna dig through all the muck and mire with me. I know my true friends will always have their hands and heart out for me when I need encouragement but I find myself not wanting to intrude or bother people. Maybe that is a lie I tell myself so I can justify keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself. I can tell you that I don’t even tell these things to my husband anymore either.

I feel lost and alone though I am constantly surrounded by people (6 of us in this house plus the kiddos’ friends in and out) and 5 dogs, well it is hard to sit and while away the day in contemplation of how to remove myself from this rut I am stuck in. It pisses me off to no end that I cannot put my finger on why I am unhappy, I have everything I ever wished for and yet it rings hollow. Times are tough right now and I keep searching for answers or meaning.

I want to tell you exactly what it is inside me right now – but I don’t even know, so how can I describe it to y’all? I’m constantly stressed and frustrated and unhappy and nobody knows it but me…….

I am the voice crying in the wilderness of my barren soul praying for rain.

 

 

“The tragedy of life is what dies inside a man while he lives.”

Our desires always disappoint us; for though we meet with something that gives us satisfaction, yet it never thoroughly answers our expectation.
~Elbert Hubbard

I have never been the type to sit dreaming of some fairytale ending. I am a dreamer, but also a cynic; which in and of itself is an oddity.  The title is from one of my quotes, Albert Schweitzer says it best. It has a nice macabre sound doesn’t it? Hooray we can all be martyrs now right? Life is one great big Greek Tragedy or a cosmic joke if you prefer. I know it sounds like I have no faith at all but I really do believe in God. I just think his sense of timing and humor leaves something to be desired at times. Honestly, I’m kinda pissed at him right now, I told him I couldn’t handle anything else and lo and behold a 2 ton load was laid in my lap. I’m cracking and the whole God never gives you anymore than you can handle isn’t holding water at the moment. I think at this point I have earned the right to a little resentment. I also believe that he understands when we get that way and doesn’t judge us or hold it against us, that is the whole grace thing. At some point I always come to the end, understanding where and why and maybe even appreciating the complexities of how our prayers, hope or dreams are answered; but the getting there SUCKS!!

We women are put into ‘competition’ almost from birth. We are barraged with visual, written and spoken evidence of our flaws and inadequacies. It is difficult to form genuine friendships with other women because secretly someone is usually comparing or competing and you don’t know who you can trust when your back is turned. There was a time when it wasn’t that way, but I know among my group of friends there are a lot of us that say the same thing; I don’t have a lot of female friends because I don’t like the catty BS. So we don’t play games and are able to relate in an open and supportive way to one another. Birds of a feather and all that jazz….

People hold themselves back from one another in defense and protection. It’s a cruel and harsh world out there. It almost becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy of doubt and failing. The hardest thing is sticking to what you believe is true and honest while still being able to assess whether or not it is something that requires a shift in those same beliefs. How do you filter the voices? Every time you let someone sway you from what your core beliefs are, a little piece of who you are dies. How do you stop placing your faith in others and take the reins back yourself?

The insecurities rear their heads in our friendships, relationships, jobs, homes and even in our parenting. We doubt ourselves, we question ourselves, we accept blame for things we have no control of. When my own strength fails me, I know I can count on someone always being there. I feel an odd emptiness right now though. One that dries up my words as well as my desire to do anything about what is going on. Yep, good ol depression is setting in. Yet deep within my soul that voice still whispers words of strength and wisdom to me, though I might sit in my anger trying not to hear.

He makes my feet like the feet of deer, And sets me on my high places.

The voice says to me: Listen well my child

He sent from above, He took me;
He drew me out of many waters.
He delivered me from my strong enemy,
From those who hated me,
For they were too strong for me.
They confronted me in the day of my calamity,
But the Lord was my support.
He also brought me out into a broad place;

 

 

 

Sometimes, I even resent that little voice. Because if I could pretend for just ONE moment that I was a person lacking any depth, it wouldn’t hurt so badly. It brings me back to the here and now and I just want the voice to go away and leave me in my misery. Is it really too much to ask that I not be a warrior for one day? Why don’t I get to enjoy being a newlywed?

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

I may not see it or even feel it right now, but I will come through this. I just don’t know how right now, LOL.

 

Sunday Reflections ~ To Each of Us A Path

It has been my great pleasure to connect with some extremely good blogs. I have been letting the nudges in my heart tell me which ones.  In doings so, after the storm and all the damage, I came across this blog: Sleeping Through the Storm . I was struck deeply by something she wrote and she has graciously given me permission to share with you  my friends. Directly quoted from her post (please go and check out her blog. She had a striking way of writing.)

“I know I have areas in which I need to improve, habits I want to correct so that I’ll leave this Earth with no regrets. But I also believe that when I leave this world, I’ll enter another where I’ll meet my God. And when I see Him face-to-face, I will tell Him, “I tried to prepare, but I have done nothing that can make me worthy to enter into your presence, nothing except for one preparation–to love your Son who thought me worthy to die in my place.”

We all face the same end. The end of the story is not a surprise–it’s just the journey that’s different for all of us. So are you prepared? Do you know what you believe? And if not, when do you plan to prepare? The storm is coming while you sleep, and there is no guarantee that there will be time to get ready when you wake up.”

I had tried to ignore the voice in my heart. Her post and perspective pushed a beam of light directly into that shadowy place. These are my thoughts after pondering deeply what these words had to teach me. For the whisper had spoken in a loud, firm voice. A voice I could no longer ignore. I have to know where I stand.

Life has taught me lately that it exists in an extremely fragile state. We always remain but a breathe away from sinking into the depths of the unknown. Or being swept away by the tide.
I don’t really spend a lot of time talking about my personal beliefs. Not because I don’t feel strongly about them, or because I don’t have them or understand them. But because I grew up where it was kind of just how it was. We didn’t question and it was just what we learned. I guess when I was a teenager, I really resented it – later I went seeking for the answers myself. Often I find myself once again going back over what I have learned and prodding at what my beliefs are and where they stand in relation to where the world is headed right now.
It seems like there are so many terrible things that are occurring at once, that are of a magnitude we haven’t seen before. I’m not spouting any specific ‘end time’ theory in particular, but I feel something stirring. Lots of people are struggling. Times are hard and money is tight. It adds extra stresses to the ones we already carry  daily. Each day I try to figure out where I fit into the grand scheme of things and where my journey may ultimately lead. I don’t want to talk specific politics or anything like that, but we are in three different wars right now; under a president who was given a Nobel Peace Prize for absolutely nothing. And he bypassed Congress and got us involved in a ‘kinetic military action’, whatever that euphemism is supposed to mean. As our gas prices rise, the American people are pinched unmercifully; while we send millions to Brazil for offshore drilling. Wait, what? Why aren’t we doing this for our country?
All that has transpired in the world, including the Royal Wedding – which seems to have inspired the British as well as the world in general, as a welcome breathe of fresh air. It is very reminiscent of his mother Dianna. Then to be so close to the devastation that occurred during the storms recently, it leaves you wanting to make those connections, to refresh the ties that root us in our lives. Whatever those beliefs are because no matter what, each of us has a different interpretation because we are each unique.
I haven’t actively been part of a church since I left Kansas in 2006. I have missed it once or twice and sometimes with a deep ache that surprises me. I have a close walk that is based in Christianity. My family has been generations of Christians – Catholics and my Grandfather instilled a faith in his children which they in turn passed on to us. Even though I stepped away and back in a different light I feel as though I have traveled the path intended. Because some of my deepest understandings have come from my mistakes.
Try as I might to deny it at times I am a person of deep reflection. I always have been. Sensitive to things that may exist beyond our understanding and in my own private way I have a serious and deep faith. It has changed and morphed and grown since I was young, since I was in my 20’s even. Each layer of truth revealed by the fires that change us, teaches us more, expands our view more. Allows us to lead richer lives.
I believe that at the end of our time on this earth, we will be responsible for an accounting of our lives. Each choice, each action, each hidden truth. I find myself seeking the answer to the question, “What will I say, when asked?”. For every hidden place will be seen, every shadow banished and every door we lock tight thrown wide open for inspection. Yep, it makes me as uncomfortable as you are thinking about that right now…… In light of the disaster I find myself asking if I would be ready right now, and if not, why?
We each need to choose where that truth lies. I try to be open to God no matter what guise he might appear in, or where it may happen. In keeping the gates open, I allow more to pass into my life that can teach and strengthen me. What do you believe? Where is your truth? Even the lack of choice is a decision about where you stand. If the floodgates opened and you were faced with the wall of water rushing at you, what would you tell yourself in those last moments? Where would your regrets lie?
It can happen in the blink of an eye, will you be ready? Sometimes on my journey I feel certain, sometimes I know I’m not as ready as I should be.
I’d love to hear your thoughts about this my friends. Until we see each other again; stay safe and be blessed my friends.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. ~Isaiah 43:2~