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Sending Heaven A Message ~ Too Much Sadness Today

Today is Father’s Day and for some of us, it is a hard day. We don’t have fathers who are with us, for whatever that reason may be. My father has passed and I have friends and family who will have a hard time today as well because they are missing their fathers too.

dear father

…..however mine is colored with regret for not ever having a real father in my life. I’m sure some of you can share that feeling as well.

I started the weird tradition in my family (when I became a single parent myself and understood all that my mother had to deal with) of calling her and wishing her a Happy Father’s Day. By then I knew what it took to be both parents to my two children. I have a son and a daughter so I see the need from both sides for a father in a child’s life.

I figured if she did the job of both, shouldn’t she get the credit too? When my sisters wound up in the same boat, they, as well as any of my single parent friends also get my calls/text/wishes on those holidays.And yes, I do wish my single father’s a Happy Mother’s Day as well. I simply admire anyone who takes a stacked deck and actually parents with it.

 

I try to focus on this day on the fact that I have a wonderful man in my children’s lives and that they won’t miss out on having someone in their lives like I did. But on this day they also hurt because they remember their dad isn’t here. My son because he remembers, my daughter because she can’t.

My husband went to town yesterday to run errands for guy stuff like Tractor Supply for dog food and parts for our John Deere Mower you know, guys junk. And my son went along for the ride. I’ll tell ya, he came back feeling 10ft tall because he got to go. My husband is no slouch when it comes to parenting. When he married his ex she had two kids, then they had three and when we got married I had two. So in all, he has been through 7 kids. I think he may have picked up a tip or two.

He has been there for everything over the last 7 years. He was there when my daughter got potty trained, when my son rode his first two-wheeled bike and then my daughter as well. He has been there through all the bad stuff too, like the day we almost lost two of our kids to a wicked car accident or the day we had to tell mine their daddy was gone. He was there, being a rock, a great man, a great father, a best friend. He will be there for their future things like graduation, getting married, having children; and I think that I couldn’t have asked for a better person in their lives. eternal calling

Today my heart breaks for OrdinaryDad. He is feeling it especially hard after Mr. BBP paid him and unpleasant visit. The little shitbird came up, dropped off the money for this phone – two days late ($60/mo), took the rest of his stuff, lipped off to his dad, accused him of kicking him out (still not admitting to the failing college and taking off and lying), tried to take his dog down to the neighbor’s house (and accused me of potentially doing something to her), lipped off some more, said he didn’t care about lying and using our client to do so, fucker actually shrugged. Funny thing is that he and I barely fought compared to his twin and when his twin left he bailed on HIS dog too and Chaos is thriving. Hell Sable sleeps with US now at night. She hasn’t really acted as bad as we thought she might.

On his way out the door I said “Nice Father’s Day, asshole”.  and he turned around and told me to go fuck myself which it totally fine, I laughed in his face. Then he proceeded to lip off some more to his dad on the front porch while OD had to make sure he didn’t steal Sable. Keeps saying it doesn’t matter, that he “can’t afford school” even though he is/was getting way more money this coming semester than he had first round. There is something seriously wrong with that boy. He has finally snapped like we worried he would, and it is just as ugly as we thought. He didn’t even try to come up here nice, he hit the door with a bad attitude. He was looking for a fight.

OD had to tell him he wasn’t taking the dog anywhere until he could prove he had a place to live with him and her. Claims he is finding something in town that will allow a pet….really? Umm I have looked for places to live many, many times in my life and good luck finding something. You really have no clue. And if you do, the deposit is a nice chunk of change.

My husband’s heart leapt in his chest when Mr. BBP sent the Happy Father’s Day text and asked if he could come up. He was so excited to hear from and get to see one of his boys today and now he is broken hearted again and I am angry on his behalf. But he will sit there bleeding from his wounds, drop by drop and just keep taking the slashes. He doesn’t stand up for himself let alone lash out and I’m curious if I will feel the same way if my kids act like jerks when they get older. Because I say right now I don’t care who you are, you are expected to treat me with the same respect I give you, and for that matter, if you push too hard, expect me to push back period.

This sucks so hard because I can’t help him other than be there to hold him together when he falls apart and yes he cries, I can only imagine how it hurts him to see what all the scars they carried have done to them and their choices. It hurts to watch a son have it all and let it go and to not even have the courtesy of giving his dad an explanation to understand it all. It hurts him to watch them live a lie and believe that lie and use that lie as a weapon against him. But he loves them enough to take it, he loves them enough to leave the door open, he loves them enough to love them even when they throw it in his face and I can’t help but admire him for it.

This is an exceptional man, and I am honored to share his life. Please send your thoughts and prayers to him. I’ll stand strong while he can’t because he never fails to stand strong for his family.

Appreciate what you have my friends. Please tell your loved ones how you feel and don’t let petty things stand in the way. Some day you might look back and it will be too late.

Until next time my friends, stay safe and be blessed.

to have a child

The Breakdown of Society

911 Dispatcher Tells Woman About To Be Sexually Assaulted There Are No Cops To Help Her Due To Budget Cuts

Yes, click the ^link^ and go read the story. I will wait….

  Now let’s break down the absurdity of this and what is wrong with society in general….

“Uh, I don’t have anybody to send out there,” the 911 dispatcher told the woman. “You know, obviously, if he comes inside the residence and assaults you, can you ask him to go away? Do you know if he’s intoxicated or anything?”

Is this person freakin’ kidding me? Sorry ma’am, could you just ask him nicely to stop, tell him today just isn’t a good time…. WTF?!?! Seriously the sad truth is, they are not joking. And just wait, it gets worse…

The woman told the dispatcher that he previously attacked her & left her hospitalized a few weeks prior to the latest incident. The dispatcher stayed on the phone with the woman for more than 10 minutes before the sexual assault took place.

“Once again it’s unfortunate you guys don’t have any law enforcement out there,” the dispatcher said, according to Oregon Public Radio.

The woman responded: “Yeah, it doesn’t matter, if he gets in the house I’m done.”

Okay, so we have established intent, history and urgency, but surely those in charge have a solution or something good to say right? They are there to serve and protect right? That is why we pay taxes and have a government and laws in place correct?

Police say Bellah choked the woman and sexually assaulted her. He was arrested by Oregon State Police following the incident.

“There isn’t a day that goes by that we don’t have another victim,” Josephine County Sheriff Gil Gilberson told Oregon Public Radio. “If you don’t pay the bill, you don’t get the service.”

The sheriff’s department even put out a press release warning domestic violence victims to “consider relocating to an area with adequate law enforcement services.”

Hmmm maybe not so much….relocate? Honestly?

We have a serious problem here my friends. Where can you move that you will not find crime in some fashion? And there is movement to disarm citizens who own guns thinking this will stop the criminals. Next are we going to get in trouble for using a taser on someone because we resorted to violence? What about pepper spray? Are we going to be left to our own devices, expected to protect ourselves or huddle helplessly waiting for the mop up crew? Why do people look the other way? Why aren’t people more bold to stand out and offer a hand, to put their butt on the line like that man who helped those women escape? Seriously, could you hear a scream for help and walk on thinking someone else will help? Or are you brave enough to say enough is enough. I will not let the bullies and thugs of this world take over. The more of us who are determined to affect a powerful change and stand firm saying with a loud voice this is unacceptable, we will not be silent, we will not go quietly into the night, the less things like this will happen.

What if there had been a neighbor who saw/heard something and instead of turning up their music, intervened. Yes blah blah blah it is dangerous, but so is merely living. You could get hit by a bus tomorrow, or tomorrow, that scream in the night could be YOU wishing more people cared. You cannot have it both way. Either you would aid a stranger in need or you would not.

Yes, I have personally made that choice. When I was only 16 I worked at a grocery store. On my break I decided to sit outside on the bench in front and relax. A man on a crutch sat down not long after and we just silently people watched. Suddenly it dawned on me that I was hearing a muffled voice, calling or yelling something. I wasn’t alarmed and so I just started looking around. Then I heard a banging and the yelling got louder. The man and I looked at each other to confirm we were both hearing it. We stood up and started moving towards a small UHaul sitting in the firelane. Then two men walked out of the bottle recycle center there and one got in while the other went to the back of the truck. He opened the door a crack (not the roll-up kind, the door kind) and suddenly and arm thrust out from inside and we heard the voice cry “Help me!” very clearly. We started walking faster towards the truck, the man shoved the arm inside, slammed the door, leapt into the driver seat and tore off. We both snagged the plate number and color as well as other details. I ended up having to sit and file a police report that night. It was scary because that truck never got turned in like it was supposed to that night. I will never know what happened, but I sleep soundly knowing I didn’t sit there and do nothing.

Now there is a time and place to do these things, as well as safety measures and common sense to follow, I don’t just run around willy nilly like a fool without making sure the situation is manageable and won’t land me face down dead in a ditch….

Time and again I am the kind of person you can count on when the shit storm begins. I have stepped in front of bullies threatening my sisters with weapons, I have stopped on the side of the road to help strangers, I have chased stray dogs through the middle of small town traffic, I have offered myself whenever and wherever I can. And one thing I can tell you is that even if you are doing it just because you feel that pull inside you to help, that compassion that won’t let you sit still and not because you expect something in return, I assure you Karma keeps track and it WILL come back to you my friends. So what will you choose?

Until next time, stay safe and be blessed~

 

 

You Have Entered……The Twilight Zone.

So last night was really weird. My husband’s oldest boy Cody called the house. He answered it, but only because he didn’t know the number. I guess Cody asked about coming up here because he told him no that we weren’t up for company tonight due to everyone running in different directions. Truth is though, neither he nor Aley really wants either of them up here even if that hadn’t been the case. They have been pushed way too far and they are tired of taking the shit when they are the ones actually working to make something of their lives and family. Aley for sure is tired of being bullied by his brothers and discounted by the rest of the family merely because he disagrees with them acting like they are totally innocent and everyone else is responsible for the things THEY did to themselves, including this division. He has had his jeep sold from under him, his family has cut ties and refuse to even send him things for holidays unless it is a convoluted delivery system through the extended family members that are helping cause the drama. Like we have EVER kept their mail from them.

Cody showed up anyways, in his usual style for a so-called visit (yes even after we said no) and ended up trying to take things with him that had been passed down to either Aley or Ean since he and Cameron have left. He beat a hasty retreat after being told no. Cameron was up here too but he is too much of a bastard to even come over to see his dad or the dog he raised from a pup and left behind without a thought. Before he left he made it clear he didn’t give a shit about Aley – we knew he wouldn’t come see his brother but the other surprised us (or maybe not his dad since he told his Dad he was trying to ruin his marriage and didn’t care that he was collateral damage). He stayed next door with the neighbors but got a shot in through Cody by trying to get the rug he left here and told Ean to his face he could have. He came back twice to get stuff and was asked what to do with the remainder. Cameron told us to trash it. We stored it and parceled out the other stuff into the other kids’ rooms; my son also inherited Cammie’s dog.

forgive yourself

Then the shit talking started. Cody’s newest girlfriend had sent me a friend request on Facebook. I hesitated for days, having already heard the way she acted towards Aley and heard from two other sources that she is a crazy chick who is nothing but trouble. Well instead of judging based on gossip like certain people who shall remain nameless, I decided to friend her and give her a chance, since she professed to both Aley and I that she would love it if the family was back together. I though well gee, finally a like minded person, maybe she can help me. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA…..all a fishing mission to set up Cody wanting his shit back. Then she started slamming me on FB and talking shit about this blog. Like I said when I came back, I could hide it if I wanted to, but I choose not to. And so yes, I broke my nasty stick out and started swinging. I don’t have it all the time anymore but be certain it is still there ready for anyone who Fucks with my family. Even then it isn’t breaking down into name calling – just firmly restating the truth of things. She never truly gave me a chance and that burns my ass to have someone be so two-faced. She was already working on assumptions and then lied to me when I questioned why she wanted to talk to me because I was sure she hadn’t heard good things. She told me they hadn’t said anything negative but then said she had been warned not to talk to me…..and is apparently willing to judge me not on the present, but on the past issues we ALL struggled with. She doesn’t know how hard I fought for them, how much energy and time I spent with and on them. Wonder if she even knows all the football games we cheered at for them or how much driving I did for them…..all the time out with their friends, the doctors, allergist, cardiologist etc.

Truth is that Aley is the only one of the 5 kids from the family they grew up in that has done anything worthwhile. He is going to college for Business Management/Computer Science and working with the family business that is taking off like crazy. Plus we have some plans in the works that will push it over into way too busy. We can’t wait!! He maintains his grades, works, has a busy personal life and also handles the family business. They all dog him and talk down about him calling him an asshole or saying he has been bribed and/or brainwashed and the reality is they are most likely jealous. I can’t see how college compares to a Garden Center worker at Home Depot or a cashier at Walmart……and even the youngers are starting to do things in school and life that neither of the boys could even be bothered with like 4-H and stuff so make it 7 kids total and Aley shines like gold. You can’t polish a turd no matter how hard you try. You can pretend it doesn’t stink but sooner or later it falls apart.

My husband and I talked about it all this morning and decided that no matter what, we only have each other and this household full of family. (with some special exceptions of course for blood and non blood family outside these immediate walls) We decided that we only need each other and those that are willing to be a part of all of our life so we no longer care at all to sweat the small stuff. And even if something weird were to happen and things were to not work out with us (which certainly wouldn’t happen) but neither of us would go back and mend the bridges these people have burned forever. Game over for them and this has been years of their destructive behavior to accomplish this. It isn’t the first or even the hundredth fight out of them so we just won’t play anymore.

Dennis has always been treated like shit by his family even as a kid. He was working at 12 and payed rent just to have his own room as the oldest child – neither his brother or sister had to, they were majorly spoiled. They hated his first wife and they hate me. It is almost like they just don’t want to see HIM happy. No matter what he has done. He has spent his whole life living near and taking care of his father to detriment of his own well being. He has worked military and DOC and now he owns his own business something that his brother couldn’t hang onto when one was given to him but Dennis has built up his own through hard work himself. Does he ever get any credit? No. Not even when he fought and won custody of all three of his boys. I finally got tired of watching how little they cared about all he did and stood up for him as a wife should for her husband and THAT is why I am disliked. Merely for speaking my mind like Cody’s gf feels she is doing. But she sees herself as right and me as a bitch. Funny how we lie to ourselves isn’t it?

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”

And as for me, well maybe I am too honest and trusting for my own good. I expect others to be like me. I tell the truth no holds barred even if I am afraid it might hurt someone. And those who love me, I mean REALLY love me, know that I am not being hateful, I just can’t stomach the thought of lies to those I care about. I don’t mean to claim I never fib to save feelings or bite my tongue when it isn’t wise to speak my mind, I’m just saying that you can trust me to not talk shit behind your back and to never say anything I wouldn’t say to someone’s face. If that makes me a raging unlikable bitch then why to I have so many close friends? Why can I go out and make friends easily? Why do all our clients like me so much? Because they KNOW they can trust me.

My friends in return know that even if there are hurt feelings real love and friendship can stand hard truths because we know that truth is always better than lies. I’d rather them say those things to me and vice versa because we have learned with time that often others outside the immediate situation can usually see better not being entangled in all the emotions involved. Who better to understand you than those that have seen you in your beautiful and in your horrible moments.

Those who love you are not fooled by mistakes you have made or dark images you hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness when you are broken; your innocence when you feel guilty; and your purpose when you are confused. ~Alan Cohen

 

Until next time my friends, stay safe and be blessed.

 

when I despair