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The truth has always been there, waiting…

Joker's wild

Strange how when you come to the place you feel as though you could not be lower, you realize that is what it takes to clear your eyes and let you understand something deeper; if you let it. It is that silent sudden moment where things seem to shift and you are looking at it from a completely different perspective. Last night’s run in with my ‘step-dad’ (long story) made me think. I felt cast adrift because a lot of people who I depended on when I was young and as I grew, had in some way let me down or disappointed me in some profound way. A memory of a moments when my innocence fled and I learned things far too old for such a young girl. I raised myself ~ listening closely to the truth in my heart and in my faith (as I grew to understand it, and as it evolved over time). I learned to be a fighter, because that is what it took to take the hits. The story has been edited with what I’ve learned from the situation with her (my mom)  ex-husband. *shrug* Every experience, I’ve found can always teach you something. It is the card you are dealt and you are in control of how it is played. I’ve made my fair share of mistakes and misjudgements.

I’ve lost several people who were very close and dear to me. Some were important foundation stones in my life and some I’m afraid to admit are only fully realized and appreciated now that death has parted us. I can be incredibly insecure – yes the brash mouthy chic has a weakness. I’m terrified secretly that no one likes me because of all the rejection I have dealt with in my life. Betrayal and lies teach you not to fully trust anyone but yourself and even then you can let yourself down. I’ve hurt others by withholding certain parts of myself (not of malice but of ingrained reflexive habit). It is way too vulnerable a place to let anyone have those things. Yeah you risk getting really hurt but do you cheat yourself by doing so? Will I look back at places in my life and think if only I hadn’t been so damn stubborn. I refused to admit or see certain things about how I really feel/think about something and it directed my behavior in ways I am not proud of. Can’t change the past but am I brave enough to change the future?

There are several people who I have always felt a connection to, but was too insecure to pursue a closer friendship with, that have stepped up and profoundly changed my life. My sister Shawnee has been the yin to my yang, my calming influence, the one to keep me grounded; and yes she hates to admit – the peacekeeper. We were and remain as close as twins even if we don’t talk as much as we like. And as much as it pains both of us to raise our kids apart from one another. My cousins and I share something special that has kept the childhood memories we share and as adults, allowed us to slip comfortably into that same connection and build from it seamlessly. We also are united in grief from the loss of the gentle woman who taught us all that very lesson. I don’t know how but I am thankful for the why. I prayed for the support and acceptance without saying a word and it came when I needed it the most. I’ve missed badly the friendships I’ve left behind and been unable to remain a physical part of. I feel cheated of my ‘roots’. But I am blessed with a plethora of people who honestly care and show it. Had I not experienced the loss could I fully appreciate what I do have? Because I feel a great joy in that realization right now, even though life still pretty much sucks. And somehow life feels a little less heavy.

Perspective is a powerful thing. A tiny rudder steers the mighty ship – and so it is with how we approach a situation. It can suck but you can still power through if you set your mind to it. Cuz, let’s be honest, how far has bitching ever gotten anyone? Time to buckle down and figure it out. This is my life, this is my choice – I can choose to bitch and moan or I can choose to live it fully. Which will you choose?

Joker's wild

Until we meet again, stay safe and be blessed my friends.